Irrational tantrums have me losing my mind

CRANKY40

I can actually remember doing this as a child. I can remember my nana asking me to go somewhere with her, me refusing and sobbing hysterically because I wanted my nana, her asking again, me refusing again, her asking.......she ended up going without me after about 30 minutes leaving me sobbing under my bed. Getting attention doesn't actually make you feel any better. Another version is the "you don't love me" conversation where the other person says "yes I do" and then person one says "no you don't" and so on. It's very frustrating. I think it relates more to insecurity than attention as I wasn't lacking attention - my nana lived with us, shared a room with me and gave me plenty of attention.

I'm ADHD with some autistic traits but I believe in coping strategies not merely stating that I have an autistic spectrum disorder. Coping strategies are aimed at helping recognise that my behaviour is wrong, helping me to feel better and producing a positive outcome for all parties. The coping strategy for this action since I've been old enough to know how wrong it is and how unhappy it makes me feel is to recognise what I'm doing, stop it and explain to the other person that I'm feeling a bit insecure and can they help. Above all I have to believe them when they say that they want to do something with me, not talk myself (in my head) into believing that they don't and they're doing whatever it is because they feel that they have to.

I'm telling you this because I don't believe it's simple naughtiness as some people may believe. It's slightly more complicated but it can be overcome. When my son started to do the same, I recognised what was happening and stopped it straight away. Three is old enough for a little straight talking while they're not having the irrational melt down. I explained to him that I knew what was going on because I did it too when I was small. I told him that I loved him so much and wanted him to be happy but that I wasn't going to enable his behaviour by giving him something then getting pushed away then him screaming that he wanted it then getting pushed away and so on. I repeated that I loved him but then told him that I could only help him when he could tell me calmly what the problem was. It took a couple of months for it to work but he got the idea and the behaviour has never been repeated.

It's a horrible feeling once you step into the cycle. You're unhappy but being given something or being told what you thought you wanted to hear doesn't make you happy. Emotions can be overwhelming and hard to control when you're only three. Maybe you could agree a signal for when your daughter starts to feel this way - like a teddy she could pick up if she can't verbalise the "feeling" so you know to stop what you're doing if possible and give her an extra cuddle and talk through what she's feeling before it gets out of control. It's also good groundwork for being able to communicate positively with your daughter for the rest of her life.

Savvy_Sue

Beans27 wrote: »

Oh help, does it not end by 3, that's what I'd been banking on!!! Really interested in all these tips from people who have been there, done that. My 2.5 year old seems to tantrum constantly at the moment, doesn't help that his speech is not great. Will be trying some of these ideas.

If I had my time again ... the one thing I think I would have tried to do would have been to find baby signing classes - they were not a 'thing' all those years ago, but I do feel that learning to communicate without speech might have saved some grief!

Beans27

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

If I had my time again ... the one thing I think I would have tried to do would have been to find baby signing classes - they were not a 'thing' all those years ago, but I do feel that learning to communicate without speech might have saved some grief!

Yes I remember looking into that and thinking that sounds good, and never making/ finding the time to do it.....maybe it would have helped! If I had another one I definitely would.:beer:

shiny76

Beans27 wrote: »

Oh help, does it not end by 3, that's what I'd been banking on!!! Really interested in all these tips from people who have been there, done that. My 2.5 year old seems to tantrum constantly at the moment, doesn't help that his speech is not great. Will be trying some of these ideas.

As above, each child is different but our 5 year old can still behave similarly (and frequently). It doesn't help that me & my OH have different approaches to resolve the situation*.

* If I thought her way was effective then I'd use it!

shiny76

shiny76 wrote: »

As above, each child is different but our 5 year old can still behave similarly (and frequently)

When he kicks off I just sit in the room with him (not engaging) and wait for him to calm down. Then we have a chat.

Alikay

I think validating and labelling their feelings helps calm them down- for example "you're cross because Thomas has the green car and you wanted it" or "you feel sad because we have to go home now". When they start to calm down, you can help them by giving a cuddle, drying their tears then distracting them. Trying to distract whilst they're in the throes of a severe melt-down rarely works.

bouicca21

Believe me no child ever had tantrums as epic as DD1. My tactics were to ignore or tell her to go and sit on the stairs till she felt better. distraction techniques help but either I was useless at them or she was too focused on whatever it was that was making her scream. And yes, far worse when she was tired.

I doubt there is any right way to cope, but a large gin and tonic helps (mum not toddler).

And they really do grow out of it.

AylesburyDuck

If you think a tantruming 3 year old is irrational, just wait untill she's a tantruming teenager.