Irrational tantrums have me losing my mind

amithralith

I have a three year old and a one year old - both girls. I really need some advice on my three year old’s irrational tantrums... I can handle her normal ones, but when she goes full irrational I just don’t know what to do.

It most commonly happens if she’s tired, but not exclusively. She screams for something (the toilet/cuddles/sleep/food/pacifier/a toy etc), but then fights or squirms or throws away whatever it was she screamed for that I just tried to give her. Aaaand then she starts screaming for the thing she just refused/threw away as if I had refused to give her.

I have just no idea what to do with her. I have tried reasoning with her, I have tried asking her if she wants something else to distract her, I have tried giving her what she wants, and I have tried just ignoring her. She can keep going for 1-1.5 hours just screaming like a banshee.

There are three ways a tantrum can end. Either she falls asleep from exhaustion, or I manage to distract her with something, or she screams until she’s “done” but is then likely to throw another tantrum shortly after a bit of rest.

This morning she was screaming for a cuddle but fighting me when I tried to pick her up. I let her scream for an hour while doing my other things with her little sister and just ignoring her. I occasionally asked her if she was done or tried to pick her up when she half climbed on top of me, at which she squirmed away screaming again. In the end she let me pick her up while still screaming as if it wasn’t what she wanted. She only stopped when I told her that I would put her back down if she didn’t go quiet. I then played a movie and let her have her breakfast on the sofa because I just can’t stand her behaviour right now and I know she’s still in the “zone” of throwing another one.

Another example was the other day when I was trying to put her little sister to bed and she then started screaming because she also wanted to sleep but then screamed for me trying to put her to bed. That went on for a little over an hour before she fell asleep still in her tantrum mood.

Please please help! What should I do?

rach_k

3 is a tough age, for her and for you. When mine were at that stage, I would tell them firmly (loudly enough for them to hear but not sounding cross) that what they wanted was right there (or they couldn't have what they wanted because...) and that I would be there for a hug or whatever when they calmed down. Then I'd stay close by but give them some space, so in the same room but not hovering over them. I don't think walking away is a good idea unless you really can't cope because then they feel abandoned, but constantly trying to convince them to stop or have a hug doesn't help either - it often makes things worse and also gives them loads of attention for making a huge fuss!

If you know what triggers it, like tiredness, hunger or jealousy, obviously you can try to prevent that but I don't think it will do her any harm to tantrum for a while as long as she knows you're there when she has finished.

This approach worked well with my girls, same age gap as yours. My oldest would actually take herself off to be cross for a while and come back when she calmed down, so you could try making a cosy area just for her. My daughter used to go to her play tent which had cushions, teddies and a few books. I don't agree with parents giving time outs but she effectively did it for herself.

trailingspouse

I wonder if, when she's asking for (say) food or a toy or whatever, she's really needing something else but isn't able to verbalise it. Attention might be the obvious one.



What do you do when she's not having a tantrum? It's tempting to breath a sigh of relief and get on with other things. Even if she seems perfectly happy about having the new baby around, she sounds like she still needs a ton of attention. If you give her the attention before she has the tantrum, she might find she doesn't need to have the tantrum.

Kaye1

3 is a tricky age!

When mine did this I would move away and do something/anything else- wash up/ read a book/ peel an apple- anything.

As soon as she stopped, I would immediately begin engaging with her- 'oh look, have you seen this lovely book,' 'shall we feed the chickens?' And then I would spent time doing something with her.

If she started screaming again, I would stop the fun stuff and do something else. As soon as she stopped, back to giving her positive attention. Colouring/chatting- she even enjoyed helping me sweep the floor.

After a little while, when I was sure she was calm, I would ask in a really low-key way what was bothering her. Sometimes she would be able to tell me, sometimes not. If she couldn't, I would always give her a way out- 'well nevermind, sometimes we all get a little grumpy.'

I did exactly the same with both of mine and it took about a month with each of them. I also read 'Toddler Taming' (terrible title) and the author said that when you are a toddler, all you are interested in is getting your needs met. It isn't personal. They just assume the world is based around them and they expect to have what they want. I found that bearing that in mind was very helpful in staying calm.

But- pretty much every other parent will sympathise with you as we've all been through it! I was shopping with my older daughter once and a Mum was outside with a screaming toddler. An epic tantrum. She was just holding his arm while he thrashed and screamed and cried. I gave her a little smile and then we went into 2-3 shops. When we came out, she was still there! I had a quick chat- about how epic tantrums can be etc and how I knew what she was going through. She was happy to know that most children do it...!

SunnyCyprus

Yes - another vote for positive Reinforcement. Example, if she happily comes to you for a cuddle, tell her "I love happy cuddles with you" etc.

Also, maybe try a picture board of the things she most commonly asks for when going into tantrum. Simple pictures on a piece of cardboard, a dummy, a piece of fruit, a drink, a TV with a cartoon on it etc. Iff she starts going into meltdown, ask her "Point to what you want", it could help her communicate what she actually wants. I wish I had tried this with my son as there were so many things he asked for which all sounded exactly the same!

Offer the thing of choice once, then leave it near her and walk away if it's discarded. Ignore her, and I mean completely ignore her. Hopefully the tantrums will shorten/lessen. If they don't, speak to health visitor, they might know of a Sure Start group or similar that could help xx

PasturesNew

One thing that's "good" with any small people is if you get down to their level; if she's creating, sit on the floor, 2' from her and stay quiet and see what she does... if she's reaching for a cuddle, start by holding her hand, because maybe your cuddles are too big, too rough, too enclosing .... maybe she just wants the human contact without being "manhandled" by somebody much bigger.

You're probably 4-8x the size of her - and "Looming" huge above her ... and, if she wants a cuddle it's probably on her terms and not yours, where your terms are "to reach out with huge hands and whisk her up and into your body space". This might be "more than was wanted/asked for and different...." and she just wants the human contact, at her level, close to the floor, with touching, but distance.

Fireflyaway

Sounds like an attention / control thing. My daughter used to do similar and I found the best way was to ignore it otherwise the attention just reinforces the behaviour. It was draining, but gradually the length of time of the episodes reduced.
Sounds obvious but... Do you reward her and make a fuss of her when she is being good and quiet? It's so easy to not pay too much attention and instead use that time to get some jobs done in the house! Looking back I used to ignore my daughter when she was occupied so I could pay some bills or clean the bathroom. Your daughter may also be jealous of her sibling.
The main thing to remember is these tantrums do pass. There will be a time when you can reason with them and they become too self conscious to go off on one big style!

FabFifty

It's sounds as though you are rewarding the tantrums. As others have said, ignore the negative behaviour and make sure you reward good behaviour. It's not the child that's wrong, just the behaviour.

pinkshoes

My 30 month old boy twin does this.

But... if she screams for a cuddle, why do you then give her one? My twin gets told that he doesn't scream at mummy and needs to calm down and ask nicely. I then ignore him or distract him.

He is slowly learning that when he does irrational sceaming he gets ignored and when he asks nicely I'm nice back to him.

annandale

But... if she screams for a cuddle, why do you then give her one?

Maybe because the child is 3 years old and every parent is different in how they respond to a child screaming?

pinkshoes

annandale wrote: »

Maybe because the child is 3 years old and every parent is different in how they respond to a child screaming?

I'm not a parenting expert, but surely if a child's reaction to get what they want is to scream, then by giving them what they want to shut them up is teaching them the wrong thing??

E.g. the child learns that screaming gets them what they want.

The op is asking for help on how to deal with screaming, so me and someone else were just trying to point out the above.