Separation but living together advice??

edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Marriage, Relationships & Families
9 replies 1.7K views
Mk1MR2Mk1MR2 Forumite
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edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Marriage, Relationships & Families
[FONT=&quot]Our marriage is over but I can’t afford to leave until finishing my Degree in years time since it’s a joint mortgage and any money I have is tied up in it but she won’t buy me out or agree on selling the house.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]I also want to move on with my life and get back dating but worried if I do she we will use it against me when we finally divorce and claim adultery even though we are over so she gets to take more.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]Is there such a thing as legally separated but living together documentation or Free legal advice?[/FONT]

Replies

  • RubikRubik Forumite
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    What makes you so certain that your marriage is over? Have you explored all possible roads, including relationship counselling?

    You are either separated or you aren't - legal separation doesn't exist in the way you think it does. (There's judicial separation, but that's another kettle of fish entirely).

    It is possible to separate but live under the same roof - and many couples ahve to do just this because they can't afford 2 separate homes until the divorce finances are resolved. The first step to this is to begin the divorce proceedings. IF you have been married for more than a year, then either of you could petition the other - even while living in the same house.

    A new relationship should be the last thing on your mind at the moment - focus on the one you are currently in, and how to bring it to an end - both emotionally and legally - before jumping into bed with someone else, which would be adultery if you are still legally married but separated. And I certainly wouldn't advise that you bring any new ladies back to the marital home for some rumpy-pumpy. Imagine if your wife did that - how would you feel?
  • edited 24 July 2018 at 12:52PM
    ska_loverska_lover Forumite
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    edited 24 July 2018 at 12:52PM
    Mk1MR2 wrote: »
    [FONT=&quot]Our marriage is over but I can!!!8217;t afford to leave until finishing my Degree in years time since it!!!8217;s a joint mortgage and any money I have is tied up in it but she won!!!8217;t buy me out or agree on selling the house.[/FONT]
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    [FONT=&quot]I also want to move on with my life and get back dating but worried if I do she we will use it against me when we finally divorce and claim adultery even though we are over so she gets to take more.[/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Is there such a thing as legally separated but living together documentation or Free legal advice?[/FONT]



    What are her reasons for not wanting to sell?


    Maybe you should hold of dating until you are separated by distance - as you say. I can't imagine many women being over the moon about dating a guy who still lives with his wife, would be extremely repellent I imagine. It seems a bit soon to be worried about this aspect of your life if you ask me
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
  • Tom99Tom99 Forumite
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    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]When it comes to your divorce you don't actually need any legal document to prove you have been separated for two years, even if you are living in the same house during that period.[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]You do however both have to agree that as the grounds for divorce.[/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]If you can agree that, then your separation can start now or could have started in the past if you have effectively been living that way for a while.[/FONT]
  • thorsoakthorsoak Forumite
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    First of all, ensure that your finances are separated - so that you live in the same house as housemates rather than a couple. Finish your degree, concentrate on starting a career before you start thinking about dating/starting a new relationship. OK - go out with friends but in my opinion, it is far too soon to start a relationship - allow this one to die and let your partner grieve for the end of it - as it sounds as if she is reluctant to admit the end of your relationship.
  • TBagpussTBagpuss Forumite
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    As others have said, you can be separated but living in the house house. Make sure that you are in separate bedrooms, that (as far as you practically can) you separate out your finances and that you each do your own cooking, cleaning, washing etc. In effect, treat it as you would a house share.

    If you were to start a new relationship then this would, once the relationship became sexual, be adultery, but that would not mean that your ex was entitled to any greater share of the assets then if you divorced for any other reason. It might make it easier for her to claim her divcorce costs from you but those are a small part of any over all settlement.

    If you were, by the time you divorced, living with or planning to live with a new partner that *would* be relevant as of course it would affect your financial needs, as your joint mortgage / earning capacity would be greater than those of a single person.

    It is possible to have a separation agreement / deed of separation setting out a financial agreement, if you are able to agree on how the assets should be dealt with but don't wish to start divorce proceedings straight away, for any reason. However, this is a purely private arrangement between the two of you, you cannot impose it on her, so it is only of use if you and she can agree.

    If you are sure that the marriage is over, you could start divorce proceedings now even if the finances are not yet agreed. If you and she cannot come to an agreement then you can apply to the court for a financial order, which could include an order for the house to be sold, if neither of you is willing / able to buy out the other.

    Do also consider how sure you are about the end of the relationship. Is it possible that this is down to stress over exams / uncertainty over the end of your degree / strain on her being the main breadwinner etc? It may be worth exploring couples counselling first before you give up.
    All posts are my personal opinion, not formal advice Always get proper, professional advice (particularly about anything legal!)
  • Comms69Comms69 Forumite
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    Mk1MR2 wrote: »
    [FONT=&quot]Our marriage is over but I can’t afford to leave until finishing my Degree in years time since it’s a joint mortgage and any money I have is tied up in it but she won’t buy me out or agree on selling the house.[/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]I also want to move on with my life and get back dating but worried if I do she we will use it against me when we finally divorce and claim adultery even though we are over so she gets to take more.[/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Is there such a thing as legally separated but living together documentation or Free legal advice?[/FONT]
    the reason for divorce is largely irrelevant.
  • Mk1MR2Mk1MR2 Forumite
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    Thanks for all the advice.
    Better give some background. We have been together for 18 years and the relationship in the past soul mates but over the years she seems to of given up putting any effort into the relationship and for the past few years its been completely one sides were I have to do everything to try and make it work while she sits back as a passenger letting everything be done for and around her. We have been to counselling and I make any changes suggested but she doesn’t and last time she saw councillor on her own she just lied to them saying everything was fine.

    Finance wise we have paid same amount into joint account over the years until this year even though she earns 3 x what I get on student loan and we have already worked out how much the mortgage owes me and her and decided to share our joint possessions. We also have our own accounts and just one Joint account to pay for joint bills mortgage.

    We have also been in separate bedrooms for the past couple years and have no physical contact and barely speak. Which is why I mentioned about dating again since I miss everything about being in a relationship with opposite sex but can totally see its not the path to follow yet.
  • silvercarsilvercar Forumite, Board Guide
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    She may see it as she has supported you being a student on reduced income for the last 2 years. Now you can see the end in sight, you want out. Maybe the idea of a post graduation new career or being around 20 year old students has changed you!
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  • Mk1MR2Mk1MR2 Forumite
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    silvercar wrote: »
    She may see it as she has supported you being a student on reduced income for the last 2 years. Now you can see the end in sight, you want out. Maybe the idea of a post graduation new career or being around 20 year old students has changed you!

    [FONT=&quot]The thing is she has only just started paying more into joint account in January this year after she originally agreed to near 4 years ago when I became part time at college to go to Uni. This was only because I said I wanted to sell up and separate.


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    [FONT=&quot]Think my next move will have to start Divorce proceedings since them she may start taking the separation seriously. [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Although no idea where to start with divorce proceedings?[/FONT]
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