Managing the guilt factor

[Deleted User]

I have been thinking about this and not sure there are any easy answers so would be pleased to hear the views of others.

I am single and have plans to travel when I retire whilst I am young enough and fit enough to do so and envisage being away maybe 3 - 6 months or possible longer who knows. I wouldn't be averse to buying a property abroad to get away from our winters. I have pensioner parents who will be late 70's early 80's and who would prefer me to be around though and due to family reasons I am the only ' child' on the scene.

How do / did you balance your desire to do things like travel / relocate etc when you have aging parents who will in all probability need you to help care / run the home for.

I don't in anyway mean to come across as selfish but I have worked hard all my life to be able to afford a pension that allows me to do the things I want but its striking a balance between my need to for ' life ' and their expectations.

tempus_fugit

It's not being selfish at all, in my opinion. You just have to find the balance that works best.

lisyloo

whilst I am young enough and fit enough to do so

Ditto and get that.
We like scuba diving and are early fifties and plan to do a trip mid-fifties because we certainly won't be doing this in our 80's and it just takes one of us to get a condition where we can't dive to prevent us.

and who would prefer me to be around though and due to family reasons I am the only ' child' on the scene

What state are they in? (we've been through the whole spectrum).
What help do they need at the moment?
Are there any nieces, nephews, siblings, neighbours, church who could help?
Any relatives who'd be willing just to call once a week and get in touch in an emergency?
Are you able to get back from where you are in an emergency?

How do / did you balance your desire to do things like travel / relocate etc when you have aging parents who will in all probability need you to help care / run the home for.

We would time it when appropriate.
My MIL is in a nursing home, so is totally looked after, but of course we'd want to be around if she went downhill and also to suport siblings.
We are aimply not going to our trip until she has passed away.
That might not be the right thing for you as your parents are younger.
Maybe the opposite is true for you and you should go NOW?


You are not being selfish at all.
Are their expectations realistic?
Do they need you to be there?
Is there anyone who wouldn't mind phoning once a week?
Unless you're going to the desert or middle of the ocean (been there myself) could you contact them weekly?


Our parents have needed daily care, been in hospital and then nursing home.
I am only going on what you've said, but you might be better off going NOW.

[Deleted User]

Thanks for your reply, lots to think about,


They are currently early 70's and both fit and well. At the moment they need no help at all and long may it continue.


When I plan to travel they will be early 80's so not sure how they will be then, mind you none of us know how we'll be, it could be me who falls ill.


There is one person who maybe able to help but she is quite a distance away and also will be retirement age so not sure what her plans are. No near neighbours either, not totally in the sticks but not close to any other houses either.

lisyloo

None of us knows, but I think I'd be looking at doing it earlier if I were you.
Can you bring it forward?

Where are you going? We went in January to the pacific ocean where we were one week from coming back to dry land (we were physically about 24 hours away but there were 30 other divers on our boat so would only have deviated in a medical emergency of someone on-board).
Most places you are only a flight away from the UK.

We are planning to go to the southern hemisphere (long way) in about 2.5 years, but my MIL is 90 so about 20 years older than your parents.
We are not prepared to be that far away, so we will postpone until she is no longer a concern.


You could train them up on skype/facetime so you can keep in contact.


It's not reasonable to put off your plans for 25 years, so I'd be looking at bringing it forward.

kidmugsy

What's the objection to going now? Is employment too inflexible to make it practical? (I ask because a young kinswoman took six months unpaid leave from work to go a-travelling.)

[Deleted User]

I don't want to go now tbh, financially and mentally I am gearing up to leave 58 / 60. I am enjoying my job and I also don't feel ready to leave just yet.


Also I want time to plan my travels to get the best out of them.

eastofeden

I think Kidmugsy meant ‘going now’ to mean as in on your trip rather than leaving work? Have to say, I thoroughly endorse this. I took 6 months unpaid leave in my early 30s to go to Australia, The Philippines and Bali. An amazing trip.

It does depend on the flexibility of your job/employers, although I was a teacher and when I asked, with great trepidation, the Local Authority person I met with said,’There’s more to life than teaching!”

He was a lovely man and I might add that he himself died before retirement.............

lisyloo

He was a lovely man and I might add that he himself died before retirement.............

This is a very good point.
There's about a 20% chance you won't make it to retirement.
People do die in their 40's and 50's of natural causes.


I have always been of the opinion of not putting things off, but I have the advantage that I love the planning aspect, so that part is no trouble for me.


If you don't want to go yet there is nothing can be done.
Unfortunately it doesn't sound like your parents have much of a support network and unfortunately they do get to a point where it's difficult to leave them.


I've been agonising recently about a holiday, but my MIL is looked after very well day-to-day in a nursing home in terms of being fed, watered, washed, clothed and anything being picked up very quickly by qualified nurses.


I also spoke to my insurers so know we are covered in the event of serious illness.


We went ahead on the basis that she's very safe and we'd be very unlucky for something happen during that short period and if it did we have insurance, but I'm afraid there is no easy answer if they have no support network of their own. It's unusual for people that age not to have any friends or acquaintances at all.

Kynthia

So you're not planning to get off regularly for another 7-10 years? Don't worry about it yet then. A lot can change as tgey may remain in good health or not be here then. Other family may have moved closer or you put services in place like a cleaner/gardener/handyperson to pop by regularly or be on call. You may not be in good enough health to go. So prepare when the time is approaching.

I too think you should make sure you are enjoying some things now and not putting off too much until a later date, not that I know for sure you are. I have lost a third of my aunt's and uncles between 54 and 60, only half of my grandparents lived beyond their early 70s and none lived beyond 82. So while I think saving for retirement is important I truly believe in not putting off too many dreams until then if you can achieve some now.

DairyQueen

I became an 'accidental retiree' age 53 as my mum is seriously disabled (MS) and dad (then mid 70s) was beginning to struggle caring for her. If I had had a crystal ball I would have planned things differently. Six years on and I am now unable to travel at all and we are unlikely to be able to follow our retirement dreams for many years. OH has continued to work despite being able to retire (what's the point?). I can't live where I wish. I can't leave the area for more than a couple of days. I can't work. The list of what I can't do increases each year.
.
You are not selfish in considering what the future may hold and having a contingency plan. I too am the only person available/willing to provide the support my parents need and those needs often require an immediate response.

I wish I had taken time out six years ago when they were far less vulnerable. I didn't then and I regret it.

If it's at all possible take that sabbatical now. My parents' neediness just kind of happened (drip, drip, drip) and one day I turned around and I realised that my life will effectively be constrained by their needs until at least the first of them dies.

Do I feel like a bad daughter? Yep.

Do I feel guilty for sometimes resenting the dependency that I happily helped to create when things were a lot less difficult? Oh yes.

Bottom line is that increased longevity rarely comes without a cost. That cost is ill-health and frailty. Society can't afford the cost of supporting the multiple needs of our ageing population and the gap must be filled by family. I didn't plan this. I didn't think about this at all when I was younger. When push-comes-to-shove you simply do what you need to do at whatever cost because the needs of people you care about trump everything.

In 5/7 years time your options may be far less than they are now. Grab the opportunity to do something just for you whilst you can.

I doubt we will be able to begin living those retirement dreams before I am 65 or 70 but when I feel especially sorry for myself I simply look at my dad. He has been caring for her for nearly three decades. His life has been as blighted as hers. He has never complained. Not once. I have nothing to complain about.

Warning to all mid-lifers. You too could be sleep-walking into a similar situation. Society is really up-front about the responsibilities/difficulties of parenthood but the reality of elder care is marginalised and, compared to parenthood, receives zero societal support. Millions of us are silently dealing with this social care 'crisis' every day of our lives. The media is practically silent on the subject. The government turns a blind eye as it simply isn't affordable for young taxpayers to pay the huge cost of providing for the needs of so many older, unhealthy people. Families are not just the last resort they are the only resort. Childless people (like me) should hope for anything but a very long life.

Go for it now OP. Trust me, it may be 20 years before you have another opportunity.