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Why am I experiencing parent guilt?
worriedDan
Posts: 262 Forumite
Good morning, and Happy Father's day to all of my fellow Dad's ( and mum's that do it alone!)
For some reason over the past couple of days I have been feeling guilty about the impact our debt situation has on our young son. He will be 8 later this year.
I can't help but feel that he must be missing out on stuff as a result of our finances. I have decided to post on here as this forum is great for a bit of perspective!
We live in a decent 3 bed semi. Not the greatest area, but we have been her for 12 years and have never had any trouble or problems with neighbours etc. It's a 1950 ex local authority property so big rooms and a nice big garden. I suppose I see friends moving to bigger, detached houses and subconsciously feel like we have failed.
Despite our debts, we manage to go abroad each summer and also have several little breaks in Devon at an old Caravan that we inherited from the in laws, so lots of time on the beach etc
Our DS does lots of after school activities, Beavers, Karate, swimming etc.
We don't shower him with gifts, although I am not sure I would do that even if I did have the cash. I work in education and have seen first hand the impact of overindulging kids with stuff!!
I don't really know what I am feeling guilty about. Perhaps it's just a case of beating myself up, as this is something that I am good at.
For some reason over the past couple of days I have been feeling guilty about the impact our debt situation has on our young son. He will be 8 later this year.
I can't help but feel that he must be missing out on stuff as a result of our finances. I have decided to post on here as this forum is great for a bit of perspective!
We live in a decent 3 bed semi. Not the greatest area, but we have been her for 12 years and have never had any trouble or problems with neighbours etc. It's a 1950 ex local authority property so big rooms and a nice big garden. I suppose I see friends moving to bigger, detached houses and subconsciously feel like we have failed.
Despite our debts, we manage to go abroad each summer and also have several little breaks in Devon at an old Caravan that we inherited from the in laws, so lots of time on the beach etc
Our DS does lots of after school activities, Beavers, Karate, swimming etc.
We don't shower him with gifts, although I am not sure I would do that even if I did have the cash. I work in education and have seen first hand the impact of overindulging kids with stuff!!
I don't really know what I am feeling guilty about. Perhaps it's just a case of beating myself up, as this is something that I am good at.
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Comments
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Happy fathers day worriedDan.
I think many of us feel the same. My D'S has just turned 7 and I feel that he has missed out too. He hasn't.
It sounds like you are giving your DS'S a happy life with a loving home and parents. Keep it up. You sound fab. :T1 debt v's 100 days chapter 34: T3sco bank CC £250/£525.24 47.59%
[STRIKE]MBNA - [/STRIKE]GONE, [STRIKE]CAP ONE[/STRIKE] GONE, [STRIKE]YORKS BANK [/STRIKE]GONE, [STRIKE]VANQUIS[/STRIKE] GONE [STRIKE] TESCO - [/STRIKE], GONE
TSB CARD, TSB LOAN, LLOYDS. FIVE DOWN, THREE TO GO.0 -
Hi OP,
My son is eight (and we have a baby 5 months). Our lifestyle has similarities to yours (lots of after school activities) but probably less holidays.
Myself and my partner have agreed that this is an excellent age for us to knuckle down and try to get out of debt.
My son has no interest in the brand of his clothes and hates shopping so is happy with whatever clothes appear. It's only bright clothes that are "not his style" apparently.
With the structure of school and activities it is easier not to spend too much additional money.
In the half terms/holidays he is happy to come out with us. If we take a cousin with us or meet a friend he is absolutely delighted. We have a national trust membership (£10 for whole famil a month), more recently an English Heritage membership (because we went to one and a day entry was a good chunk of annual entry) and do walks in woods, parks, walks to local towns and Tesco voucher days out (all with picnics or in the winter flask of hot chocolate) and if we loosen the purse strings swimming, McDonald's etc - fairly low cost treats. We still slip up at times if for example we have been out all day Sunday and then can't be bothered to cook so go for a meal but that's due to our own lack of organisation or laziness.
My son will mention, (in passing!) how he fancies a new games console, the latest iPhone, certain expensive robots and I explain that when we save for one thing we can't save for another so if we are saving for our holiday/ latest birthday day out etc we are not saving for an iPhone X! I have explained that Santa saved all year for his Xbox a couple of years ago and that for the next few years it's other children's turn to have a very expensive present. the day after Christmas he announced "next year I'll have a PS4!" It helps that I don't even want an excessive surplus of material stuff and gadgets anyway or for him to be a brat that gets whatever he wants all the time.
When he is a teenager it will be more tricky as he will want branded clothes, money to do things with his friends and not so much with us and he will be more aware of what others have got and no doubt compare himself with those that have most.
Sorry for waffling on - my last thought - my son was disappointed the other day when we went to the pub for tea after the park when we had promised him a picnic in the park. (because the weather had been looking grey a little earlier in the day so we changed our plan) Their enjoyment isn't directly linked to the cost.
Tlc0 -
Great post above so true, kids are most happy playing outside being carefree. We have become parents and grandparents who think if our kids haven't got the latest gadget , clothes or doing a load of after school activities then we must be bad parents/grandparents. The best thing you can give a child Is your time , in today's society we are all very busy so this goes by the board.
Dan you have come a long way since you first posted and have just got back on course again, don't let these worries take you off the course. Your DS will soon be a teenager and he will cost much more to keep , but at least you will be debt free.
Happy Fathers Day.0 -
I grew up in abject poverty. We're talking no central heating, ice on the inside of the bedroom windows in a morning, all sleeping in one room because it was all we could afford to heat kind of poverty.
At age 8 I didn't know any better and it was only really in my teens when I did. I can guarantee that given everything you've posted that he doesn't feel he is missing out. He gets to do loads of after school activities, you take him on holiday. Only difference is you have a less expensive house than YOUR friends. Your house is the same as every other on the street so it isn't like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory where yours is the ramshackle house sticking out like a sore thumb in a street surrounded by high price properties. No doubt his friends out of school are on the same street.
As for living in an ex local authority house, bargain of the century. I live in one, my last one was one. Until recently I owned two houses so when I sold the other one I could have quite easily gone and bought a nice new modern house on a nice estate. HOWEVER I've delivered building materials to said houses, I've been inside plenty, my brother owns one. Look nice, built like crap, the neighbours tend to be up themselves and god forbid you do anything to your property or do anything they don't agree with. On top of that the extra cost of the mortgage usually means less money to play with which is certainly the case with my brother who earns twice what I do but seems to be constantly skint.
No I reckon you're better off as you are living in a house you can reasonably afford and which has plenty of room and you're not working yourself into the ground to afford just to present some kind of lie to the world about how well you're doing.
You should look on the internet about the difference between millionaires and middle class when it comes to spending. The millionaires are the ones who live in modest houses and drive around in older cars because they would rather invest their money in something that makes them more money, not a depreciating asset or something to shout about how rich they are which costs them money. Hell even Warren Buffet the billionaire lives in the same house he bought in the 50s, drives around in a 2014 Cadillac XTS he bought new but which was an upgrade from his previous car, a 2006 Cadillac DTS, which he decided to get rid of when his his daughter Susie told him it was embarrassing. So if driving around in an 8 year old car and living in a fairly modest (by American standards) house is OK for a billionaire then it should be OK for you. On the other hand the middle class live in expensive houses and drive around new cars in order to flaunt their "wealth" but the reality is they have little cash once they've paid for it.
You've tried living a life you couldn't afford on plastic, how well did that work out for you? Obviously not because you wouldn't be here posting that. Now consider that your friends who've upgraded their lifestyle are now doing what you used to do. When you look at your friends and what they have ask yourself how they're affording to do it all given their income. Chances are they aren't, its all done on credit. At some point in the future they're going to be experiencing the pain you are, pain that you'll have been long free from never to repeat from the lessons learned. That thought alone should be enough to make you feel warm and fuzzy inside when the life you lead is one you can truly afford.0 -
Sounds like your son has a loving father who cares about him and a comfortable home, doing the sorts of things children should be doing. I've known wealthy people that have huge homes and private schooling and the children have been depressed, because they were not receiving simple, loving parenting.
I hope I don't sound cheeky- because, I've been having a 'my home is rubbish moment' this morning- but is this more a reflection on your aspirations for yourself? Obviously the better house etc would then be for your son too, but maybe it's more about what you feel you should have.
One thing getting older has taught me, is that you can be just as happy with egg and chips then a fancy meal and many wealthy people are unhappy with millions in the bank. I think it is about being thankful for what you have, whilst also staying motivated to perhaps try and find ways of achieving your goals and still having dreams.
You could try and find ways of getting your debts down, so that any money spare can be used for treats without the cost of credit. That would also be good for the future to be debt free. I'm trying to be debt free at the moment- a work in progress.0 -
I would say kids at 8 are not expensive unless they are being educated privately. You don't have massive childcare costs of babies/preschoolers nor the cost of expensive school trips, gadgets useful for educational purposes or eventually driving lessons, cars, flats or weddings.
Your son does after school activities, he is housed, fed and clothed and you do holidays so you should not be beating yourself up over that.
the thing I would be more concerned about is your future as the debt stops you saving for things like University costs and saving to help him with flat or house deposits and yours and your wives pensions. You are addressing it though so I don't think think you should beat yourself up too much. I do hope you have restarted your pension contributions though as I seem to recall you stopped those last year.I’m a Forum Ambassador and I support the Forum Team on the Debt free Wannabe, Budgeting and Banking and Savings and Investment boards. If you need any help on these boards, do let me know. Please note that Ambassadors are not moderators. Any posts you spot in breach of the Forum Rules should be reported via the report button, or by emailing forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com. All views are my own and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.0 -
If I had my time again it would be pay (much) less for holidays when they are little (up to secondary school) and more when they were older.
Beach and parks and a few ice creams are all you need.
Focus on your debts - as other posters reference - it will be much worse if you leave it till later. Plus a dozen years of frugal living will help your kids understand the value of money.I think I saw you in an ice cream parlour
Drinking milk shakes, cold and long
Smiling and waving and looking so fine0 -
I've followed your journey previously Dan. It sounds like you have a balanced family life I'm sure he is more than happy. Things will get more expensive as he gets older.
Houses are houses. I grew up in a 3 bed 1930s semi ( 5 of us) I now live in one and I tend to remain in one. Kids don't notice houses they will have memories and time with their loved ones and it sounds like You have that well covered.
Once the debt is paid, concentrate on the future for him and yourselves: pensions, savings, uni or car fund maybe for him. Keep making the memories with your family.
Status and what you have won't matter when you look back!0 -
Dan you don't realise how lucky your son is. so many children out there are living in poverty, not eating enough, in inadequate housing.DF as at 30/12/16
Womblng 2020:
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determined_new_ms wrote: »Dan you don't realise how lucky your son is. so many children out there are living in poverty, not eating enough, in inadequate housing.
And many others have everything money can buy but have very little of the one thing they'd love - time with their parents.
If you're giving him your attention plus all the things you mention, he's a lucky lad.0
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