Finally told my partner about £20k debt.

Rosebud38

Hi,

I posted a few days ago to say I’d finally told my partner about the payday and personal loan debt is managed to get myself stuck in. First he was shocked but kind but now he is still being ok but has pretty much said he can’t let my bad credit bring his down and he is worried sick about where that leaves him. Basically he loves me but looks like he will be speaking to our mortgage advisor once he is back from holiday to see what’s the best thing we can do to mitigate any damage (good thing) then we will be separating (sad thing) . He says he feels too betrayed and is angry I’ve put his security at risk. And he’s right. I feel like the biggest failure going and so ashamed. Looks like I’m about to lose my relationship, home, in laws and one of my dogs. So sad and it’s all my own fault. Lessen learnt but sadly too late to help right now x thanks for listening everyone !!!10084;!!!65039;

Fireflyaway

So you are splitting because of the debt? That seems extreme if everything else is ok. We all mess up sometimes and money issues can always be sorted somehow. you did tell him which must have been hard and that took courage.
Could you try writing a letter? Explain how sorry you are and that you will take responsibility for paying the debt. Apologise and ask if there is anything you can do to salvage things.
If relationships were based on debt or credit scores most of us would be single!
Why did you get in debt? Was it reckless spending or were you avoiding money talks and taking on more than you could handle ? You need to understand that so it doesn't happen again.

Gemsy81

That sounds incredibly harsh to me....I can only assume he is so perfect he has never made a mistake in his life?! You don't need people like that bringing you down. You can get through this and emerge a stronger and better person who will realise you don't need someone who is so selfish and callous. Good luck, and use every bit of advice you can get on here to sort your finances out, they are a very helpful bunch!

Karonher

To be fair he does says he feels betrayed. It is the lack of honesty not just the money. Its easy to jump on him and judge, but he has not done anything wrong unless you call worrying about his future doing something wrong.

I am sorry that things have turned out this way OP and you are not a failure, especially as you are taking responsibility for what has happened. If the results are that you can sort out the finances without him being badly affected, he may calm down a little and look at things again.

Debtfreeforever

Hi Rosebud, I'm so sorry to hear that, maybe he is just going through the process of comprehending.

I'm sorry you you have to go through this, especially after you opened up.

zippygeorgeandben

It always surprises me when people comment on situations like this and judge people's reactions.

Women can sometimes be the bad person, men get enough stick as it is.

Rosebud38

I!!!8217;m not a bad person Zippygeorgeandben. Neither is my boyfriend. I know this is my fault and not his and I understand his reaction. I was trying to manage, so that money never ran out a week into the month and I was weak and make spontaneous, bad and regretful decisions. He needs to do whatever feels right for him because if it!!!8217;s right for him to split up then it!!!8217;s right for me that I don!!!8217;t stay with him. I!!!8217;m just sad for him (and me) that it!!!8217;s ending on such a !!!! note. We!!!8217;ve lost 8 pregnancies in the last four years and maybe this is just one thing too much for him to deal with.

As far as the messages from everyone go, they help stop me from doing something stupid, and I am thank ful for them xx

RhiBi

Please remember that nothing about debt is irreparable. It sounds like you've both been through some very tough times previously. You got through them and you will get through this too, maybe together, who knows. I suspect your partner is going through many emotions and his decision making will be all over the place.

For you, try and work out how to start on repaying the debts. Contact one of the debt charities and ask for their help.

You will get this sorted, please, get advice, xxx

savetosave

Hi
3 years ago just before Xmas, my husband finally told me that he (we) had 25k of cc debt that I knew nothing about. It turned out to be nearer 35k!
He was so sad and sorry and I couldn't be angry as I was afraid of what he might do.
Making a plan helped. In the next few months I felt betrayed and angry that he hadn't told me sooner, but equally I knew that he hadn't gone off and spent that money on gambling or buying things for himself. It had been spent on our family, trying to support kids at uni etc. I also had to accept that I was to blame for taking my eye off the ball. I should have noticed.
You can't torture yourself. You have apologised now. Make a plan and let him see you are serious.
I can't say that will make him change his mind, but who knows.
Either way, now you need to move forward. It won't be easy, but it is possible.
I hope things go ok.

Debtfreeforever

Good morning Rosebud,

I hope you are feeling better this morning.

Most of the replies have been positive. As this is an open forum, there will always be an array of responses. Plus I don!!!8217;t think all respondent would have read your previous post, which gave more insight into your world.

Savetosave made some very valid points and I think it makes sense, you have done the very hard bit to come clean, this is one of the hardest bits, I have been there myself. I personally think in a relationship you need to be honest especially about these major things.

Now it is time to put some actions in place. I would highly recommend to contact a debt charity to look at other options, as it looks like your OH is in charge of sorting it all.

Wishing you all the best and maybe consider opening a diary here to come back to every day to share your feelings and actions; I follow you !!!55357;!!!56841;

Debtfreeforever

By the way your emojis don!!!8217;t display, just realised I have done the same