Why are modern relationships (20's / 30's) so shallow? Most people seem to bail if it is not perfect

JamesFuller

Hello,

This is a question I have been wondering about over the last few years seeing some of my friends, and some of my own relationships fall.

It seems like whenever the relationship encounters some kind of trouble or a series of problems, divorce / break-ups seems to be on the cards.

Of course it depends on what the problems are, if we take out the extreme such as violence, rape, etc and are left with difference in personalities, etc the rate still seems high.

My theory is that people are ill-prepared to understand what a relationship involves, it's a union of two people with different personalities where some of it will be common ground for both (the agreeable stuff both agree on) but once the relationship gets deeper (6+ months) each person finds it hard to accommodate the other person's habits, routines, choices etc.

Or sometimes they let an immediate, short-term problem define the whole relationship and bail.

There is always an option to find someone new and this is also part of the equation. You can find new people in so many ways now.

Also, society expects the person to be trendy, independent etc when the reality is now house / room sharing well into their 30's and 40's and there is little privacy. And hardly any long term thinking is applied about what someone wants to do long-term in their life, and if they do it's usually associated with their career rather than personal life.

Can anyone please explain or have an experienced input?

motorguy

JamesFuller wrote: »

Hello,

This is a question I have been wondering about over the last few years seeing some of my friends, and some of my own relationships fall.

It seems like whenever the relationship encounters some kind of trouble or a series of problems, divorce / break-ups seems to be on the cards.

Of course it depends on what the problems are, if we take out the extreme such as violence, rape, etc and are left with difference in personalities, etc the rate still seems high.

My theory is that people are ill-prepared to understand what a relationship involves, it's a union of two people with different personalities where some of it will be common ground for both (the agreeable stuff both agree on) but once the relationship gets deeper (6+ months) each person finds it hard to accommodate the other person's habits, routines, choices etc.

Or sometimes they let an immediate, short-term problem define the whole relationship and bail.

There is always an option to find someone new and this is also part of the equation. You can find new people in so many ways now.

Also, society expects the person to be trendy, independent etc when the reality is now house / room sharing well into their 30's and 40's and there is little privacy. And hardly any long term thinking is applied about what someone wants to do long-term in their life, and if they do it's usually associated with their career rather than personal life.

Can anyone please explain or have an experienced input?

Conversely, life is short - why lumber yourself with a relationship that isnt working?

Young people dont tend to want to settle down in their early or late 20s any more and want to enjoy life. They are happier to settle down in their 30s.

Who are we to say thats wrong?

DD265

I think there's an element of it being so easy to meet people, but also holding out for 'the one' and if something's wrong in a relationship, jumping to the conclusion that that person isn't 'the one' after all. I also wonder how many people 'settle', partly because it can be hard economically to go it alone if nothing else.

That said, my personal belief - having recently married the man I've been with since I was a teenager and I'm now 30 - is that over time our needs change. Certainly in the past 5 years particularly I have changed a hell of a lot and actually grown up.

I recently listened to a podcast by Esther Perel and she made a comment that in the past we'd have had a whole village/church/community to help us meet those needs, whereas these days we rely very heavily on one person.

https://estherperel.com/blog/why-modern-love-is-so-damn-hard

So if we have multiple needs, and expect a single person to meet them all, but those needs change, will that single person meet these needs for us forever? If they can't, or won't, is it fair on either party to stay together and expect that?

I'm not saying that we shouldn't work through the issues, and I can't say what it would take for me to contemplate divorce, or how much effort is too much. Personally I rely heavily on gut feel, so I guess if that starts to tell me I was in the wrong relationship... I just don't think it's black and white, or that we should judge others for their choices.

hazyjo

Don't think anything has changed personally! I'm 48 and have been married twice and have had lots of relationships, yet have friends who have been with partners for decades who are still very happy. My 18 year old nieces are both in year-ish long relationships and seem determined to make things work.

I think some people are just luckier than others and find not only someone at a young age who they love and adore, but someone who they grow together with and not apart from.

Primrose

I think when you settle for a long term relationship/marriage at an earlish-ish age, i.e. in your early twenties, you are looking at a green field site in terms of how your marriage, personalities and future visions will develop. Those going into a relationship at a later age will already have started to develop habits/opinions/attitudes , etc which will be more firmly developed and possibly more difficult to change and accommodate.


Also I suspect, many in today's modern generation of relationships have been bought up with the idea of a "throw away" society...If it doesn't work 100% or isn't the latest model , get rid of it, whether that be a piece of domestic equipment like a mobile phone, or a relationship. Many more younger people have been brough up in one parent families because of divorce and have little experience and exposure to seeing mature relationships in action and what it takes to make them work.


Young people today also seem quicker to move in with each other without properly getting to know each other really well, so by the time the flaws in a relationship start creeping out of the woodwork, it's too late and they then have to suffer the breakup of their homes as well as their relationship. Perhaps they're asking themselves the wrong type of questions before they accept themselves as a permanent item and move in together. Maybe if they asked themselves and each other some very personal questions about their life philosophies at the beginning of each relationship they would discover they're not really suited at all but I wonder how many younger people have these deep conversations with each other these days. They seem to spend more of their time on their mobile phones tracking social media and have forgotten the art of deep and meaningful conversation.

Tabbytabitha

JamesFuller wrote: »

Hello,

This is a question I have been wondering about over the last few years seeing some of my friends, and some of my own relationships fall.

It seems like whenever the relationship encounters some kind of trouble or a series of problems, divorce / break-ups seems to be on the cards.

Of course it depends on what the problems are, if we take out the extreme such as violence, rape, etc and are left with difference in personalities, etc the rate still seems high.

My theory is that people are ill-prepared to understand what a relationship involves, it's a union of two people with different personalities where some of it will be common ground for both (the agreeable stuff both agree on) but once the relationship gets deeper (6+ months) each person finds it hard to accommodate the other person's habits, routines, choices etc.

Or sometimes they let an immediate, short-term problem define the whole relationship and bail.

There is always an option to find someone new and this is also part of the equation. You can find new people in so many ways now.

Also, society expects the person to be trendy, independent etc when the reality is now house / room sharing well into their 30's and 40's and there is little privacy. And hardly any long term thinking is applied about what someone wants to do long-term in their life, and if they do it's usually associated with their career rather than personal life.

Can anyone please explain or have an experienced input?

Unless you're married or have a child, why not? That's what your twenties are for.

BrassicWoman

because women have financial independence and so no one has to put up with rubbish in order to get by any more.

three cheers says I!

TBagpuss

DD265 wrote: »

I think there's an element of it being so easy to meet people, but also holding out for 'the one' and if something's wrong in a relationship, jumping to the conclusion that that person isn't 'the one' after all. I also wonder how many people 'settle', partly because it can be hard economically to go it alone if nothing else.

That said, my personal belief - having recently married the man I've been with since I was a teenager and I'm now 30 - is that over time our needs change. Certainly in the past 5 years particularly I have changed a hell of a lot and actually grown up.

I recently listened to a podcast by Esther Perel and she made a comment that in the past we'd have had a whole village/church/community to help us meet those needs, whereas these days we rely very heavily on one person.

https://estherperel.com/blog/why-modern-love-is-so-damn-hard

So if we have multiple needs, and expect a single person to meet them all, but those needs change, will that single person meet these needs for us forever? If they can't, or won't, is it fair on either party to stay together and expect that?

I'm not saying that we shouldn't work through the issues, and I can't say what it would take for me to contemplate divorce, or how much effort is too much. Personally I rely heavily on gut feel, so I guess if that starts to tell me I was in the wrong relationship... I just don't think it's black and white, or that we should judge others for their choices.

It's also the case that people's relationships in the past were, for most of history, also short - while it is true that living together without marrying, and getting divorced, are both fairly recent developments,for most of history most people married relatively late * (*things were different for the aristocracy) and it was common for one or other spouse to die.

I saw some fascinating research a few years ago (sadly dead-tree, so no link) which found that on average, people's marriages in the 1800s were no longer than they are today, it's simply that they normally ended due to the death of one party rather than any other reason. Being married to / in a relationship with the same person for 20 or 30 years was pretty rare.

And of course there were lots of unofficial divorces where one party simply left - any family historian will tell you that a lot of families will have a bigamist or two if you go back a few generations, because divorce wasn't available to the majority of people, but changing your name and moving to a new part of the country was relatively simple.

Primrose

Well you often have to try on several pairs of new shoes before you find a comfortable fit but perhaps one answer is to get to know somebody as an individual first before you start developing a one- to-one intimate relationship with them. That way you get a better feel as to whether as a person you are going to be able to relate to them at a deeper level.

Perhaps there are warning signs at an early stage that a particular relationship . work long term but people choose to ignore them thinking that people can easily change their personalities or their outlooks.

I think some really deep conversations in the early-ish stage of a relationship should help weed out people with whom a long term future would not work but sometimes people will continue with a bad relationship rather than risk going it alone.

ska_lover

Some amazing perspectives on this thread, i really have nothing to add (for a change) lol x

seven-day-weekend

It depends how much you both want the relationship to work. Even the happiest relationships can have temporary problems. If you as a couple are not prepared to work at them and get over them, then it will not work. If you have the expectation that your relationship is a bit like a car that you change when the paintwork gets scratched, then it will never work.

Being friends is important too. Sometimes the friendship will get you through a difficult time.

I have been married to the man I fell in love with when I was 21, for 47 years this year. He is my best friend. We have had minor hiccups over the years, serious illness, and financial worries. We have always dealt with them together, although sometimes one may have to be the stronger partner for a while.

As we approach our golden wedding anniversary, we are still the most important person in the other's life.