Help!

mattfiona

How do I handle this?

I could really do with some advice on how to handle a money situation. I’m finding it difficult to concentrate at the moment because I had a sleepless night worrying about everything and we haven’t been food shopping so I haven’t had any breakfast so my thoughts are a bit fuzzy.

I only post on here very rarely but I did post an update in my diary thread (‘debt free and emigrating’) yesterday about our recent financial ups and downs. On paper, everything looks great with our finances – my husband and I both work full-time and earn reasonably well, we have debts but they are affordable and we should have a good £500-600 left over every month after meeting all of our obligations (mortgage, bills and debt repayments etc). So, all looks fine.

Except it’s not…
Over the last few years, I’ve been so focused on saving money I can’t think about anything else – I can’t seem to get it out of my head and I watch every single penny, it drives me mad. We decided to book a holiday to Florida this year knowing that we would have to budget really very tightly for it. We put the cost of the holiday on the credit card and managed to save £500 towards our spending money but recently it’s all just gone to pot.

My husband seems to just be rebelling against everything I’m trying to do financially and will not communicate with me about it. I will say – ‘we need to really tighten our belts this week’ in advance of the holiday and then he will go out drinking in town and spend £60-£70 – I could just cry for the loss of our hard-earned money! I know it sounds over dramatic but that’s just how I feel – like bursting into tears because I have no control over it.

My husband expects me to look after our finances but the way it turns out is that he goes out and spends money without thinking and I’m left picking up the pieces, picking 5pence pieces out of the change pot to pay my bus fare – I’m just so sick of it. He’s withdrawn £120 in cash this week and I’ve seen £10 of that – we just don’t have that kind of money to fritter away on nothing. Also, it means that I’m always going without stuff so that he can keep on spending and it’s not fair. We have completely joint finances – money all goes into one pot and out of the same pot. I’ve never resented this before but now I’m beginning to think it’s just not fair – I’m the higher earner and I never see any of my own money to treat myself. I think 2 or 3 times before buying a £3 paperback, for heaven’s sake!

The trouble is – I get the impression from him that he wants me to just lighten up and stop worrying but if I did that, it just feels like it would all spin out of control – if I just relaxed and didn’t think about money and went out spending like he does, we’d probably be twice as much in debt as we already are.

I don’t think it’s malicious – he just does not think but I’m at the end of my tether and I’ve run out of options. Writing this all down has actually helped to get it out of my head.

rayday2

To be honest I read a lot of people on here and think gowd there obsessed! There is more to life than MSE and money saving. To me the whole point of it is to be wise with our money so money does not take over our lives.

Stand back from conversations you have had and think is there a way to relax a little and still keep things on track, I bet there is a common ground somewhere between the two of you where you are still wise with money but not to the point of you worry so much about saving money, if you get where I am coming from!

That way you give your OH less to rebel against!

riddlesticks

Hi hun,

I could have written this post myself. 99% of the debt I have is down to my OH. Ive spoken of this before but we where in the process of finding a house when I found out about all his debt. We had to back out because we just could not afford to pay mortgage, bills and all his debt. I dont know how he thought we could - I think he just buried his head in the sand. Anyway I managed to sort our finances out a bit and we eventually got a house together but he was still just spending money. He was going over his overdraft all the time and incurring charges (which I have no claimed back - note I have claimed them not him grrrr!). He would not let me take over his finances. In the end I gave him an ultimatium. He either let me sort all the money out or we wont last. So he decided to let me take over and since then I have done all our finances. Like you I get so stressed and I am afraid to spend any money. ATM me and OH dont do anything or go anywhere. I dont buy clothes and can't remember last time I got my hair done. Its so sad that he earns a good wage but we dont have anything to show for it. I end up sitting down a few times a month to work out if we are sticking to the budget and if we have gone over on something I have to find away of taking it from somewhere else. I get so stressed and sometimes I just want to cry. I see people all the time who are in a worse situation than me and they have new clothes, nights out every week, nice holidays, nice cars, new kitchens....etc. I just feel like I need to take a chill pill sometimes but can't.

Anyway I didnt mean this to be about me. I just wanted to try explain you are not alone. Can't really give any advise - sorry!

kizzykizzywizzy

I have a similar problem with my husband, he works away, on a ship most of the time, but when they dock, he spends! I wouldn't mind, but he spends more on himself than I do with 2 children for the week. Luckily he's trapped on a ship for most of the time so can't spend, except his bar bill:mad: I understand, it's a bit like prison for him, so he needs a bit of fun, but it is very easy to be resentful when you think you've got £10 to last the week & he tops his phone up, without e-mailing 1st to check he can afford to.
Sounds like I'm treating him like a kid, but he's only doing this job until July & I need to get rid of as much debt as poss by then, as his wages will go down drastically & he'll be free to spend!!
We went to Florida 2005, fantastic, but stupidly used money from being missold an endowment & put all spends on credit cards, spent loads.............oh it was fun:p not so great now though as I expect I'm still paying it back:mad: Hoping to go again in a couple of years when debt gone & pay for it outright:T only thing that keeps me going is that dream holiday:D

In_Search_Of_Me

Aww hugs for you all as this must be so frustrating! I do wonder whether you could try & resolve these issues in relationship counselling; its rarely about money & often about issues such as power, self esteem, inner child etc...ie could oh be feeling "told off" and treated like a child (even if he is behaving like a rebellious one!!)..Its important to try & talk through issues so that you can both feel happy but you also need to LISTEN to how they are feeling and come to a compromise. Ie can you give him pocket money for spending or maybe get them to manage the money for a month; get them to do the demotivator etc!! I wish I had the answers; looking at various scenarios here in my time as a DFW it has made me realise though how important financial issues are in relationship as I can imagine hw upsettng itfeels for all when you are at loggerheads...let us know how you get on & good luck!

TheAble

The issue here is that you and your husband have different attitudes to money. Nothing unusual there - so do all couples.

What you need to do, without fail, is to ditch your joint account and have separate accounts so you can both do with your own money what you wish.

To pay the monthly bills, both pay an equal amount to cover them into a third, non-joint account that your husband has no access to - you should be responsible for this third account and keep it purely for bills.

These are easy steps that will make life so much happier for you. You can then let your husband waste his money as he wishes while you can build up a nice cushion of savings and enjoy a better quality of life. After all why should you subsidise his wasteful ways? Once he realises he has no money from month to month he'll hopefully start to spend his money a little more wisely. Good luck!

mattfiona

Thank you both for your replies, it really is appreciated. It’s just nice to know I’m not alone in feeling like this.

rayday2 – you’re absolutely right that there definitely is a lot more to life than moneysaving and I do need to relax and try and not let it take over my life- I just get so anxious about it. We’re trying for a baby at the moment aswell and whereas I’d be happy to stay in and budget and save money – it’s so difficult to get OH to stay in. We’ll talk about it and he’ll agree and be all nice about it and then it will last 2-3 days and then he’ll be out spending more money than we have got again. I need to find a balance but I’m still unsure how to go about it.

riddlesticks – hugs to you- it’s so difficult trying to be the one who is responsible and in charge of the money, isn’t it and worrying – I know what you mean about just wanting to cry, sometimes I just can’t get my mind to switch off from thinking about it but I know I need to .

kizzykizzywizzy – I can completely empathise with what you’re saying – it’s like you budget for everything in a certain way expecting you’ve got enough money to last for the week and then suddenly it’s all gone and they’ve spent it on beer or something – it’s just enough to make you want to bang your head against a brickwall!

mattfiona

TheAble – thanks so much for your reply, I appreciate you taking the time to reply – but I have to disagree with you about the single accounts! This would be much worse, knowing my husband!! His finances were in a right mess when I met him- he never checked his account, ever – just kept on taking out money. Merging our accounts was the only way I could keep us both on the straight and narrow and manage our debts effectively. If he had his own account, he would just be at risk of getting in further debt and I would just be more anxious about it, not knowing what was going on – and I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my salary because his debts would eventually impact both of us, not just him.

mattfiona

fishface-69 – thanks so much for your reply – yes, we have had counselling previously about a lot of other issues!!! I don’t really want to go back there – hopefully we’ll be able to sort this ourselves. I think that the main problem is that he does revert to almost being a child when I try and talk to him about money, he just doesn’t have good money management and all the responsibility then lands on my shoulders. We need to just get a better balance. I wish there was some way that he could see that if he spends all the money on cr*p, then he has to go without something else – like food! But it never works out like that – we always manage somehow.

TheAble

Trust me Fiona, you'll not be able to solve this any other way. If you're worried his recklessness will impact on you, take great care before considering having any more joint debts with him. Those that you do have, eg a mortgage, consider selling the house and renting so that if his finances really do go up the spout they'll have no impact on you.

What's the alternative - a lifetime of misery, sleepless nights and depression?

mattfiona

Thank you, I do appreciate your advice, honestly but I feel that you are probably exaggerating the situation a little - we always meet the mortgage and the debt repayments and all of the bills. It's just the disposable income spending that has crept a little bit out of control.