Venting and advice needed

onedaysomeday

Pixie5740 wrote: »

he is bending over backwards to accommodate his ex and you're bending over backwards to accommodate him....

I think this pretty much sums up what I'm struggling with, he doesn't seem to understand if I make plans and they end up conflicting with the days he is available to see me

Mummy2cheekymonkeys

OK. So when she swans off on holiday and he has to look after the kids why can they not meet you then?

onedaysomeday

Mummy2cheekymonkeys wrote: »

OK. So when she swans off on holiday and he has to look after the kids why can they not meet you then?

I really don't know, we were on facetime the last time she went away and his daughter wanted to say hi so we did quickly and he got no end of grief about that and a threat to not see them again. It's been a flat out no every time he has asked other than once where she said she would think about it and then it quickly became a no

Mummy2cheekymonkeys

I'm sure she's very quick to say no when it suits her but I'm sure she would change her tune if your partner put his foot down and said that either they meet you when she goes on holiday or he won't have time off to look after them so she had better cancel her holiday.
She sounds pretty nasty to me.

onedaysomeday

I forgot to mention I did almost meet them once ages ago when it meant she could go on a date but because we suggested we just have them until 10 (and not overnight on the first meeting) it went down hill from there, but I wasn't ready to spend overnight with them right off and I doubt they were either

Haha I'm sure that would go down a treat. I respect his decision not to push her too much I just wish she'd appreciate the running around he does and give a little back sometimes

elsien

This is down to your partner to sort out and develop a bit of backbone.
Yes the kids come first, but putting them first isn't the same as him changing all his plans as soon as the ex says jump. Especially if she's then misleading the children about what is happening.
You can't make him change. If he's not prepared to draw any sort of line then you can't push him into it. But what you can do is change how you respond to it and as others have said, make your own plans rather than drop everything when his change. He really can't have it both ways.
It's not easy for him - a relative had an ex like this who used the children as a form of control. But when he stood his ground, she stopped messing him around quite so much. Maybe this would be the same. Are there formal access arrangements done through the court, or is it an informal agreeement. Has he ever seen a solicitor to look at his options. If not, maybe he should, knowledge being power and all that.
Otherwise you're going to carry on like this for the next X years, and is that a way that you really want to live?

onedaysomeday wrote: »

He made a comment this morning that his only frustrations lie with me right now as she is being okay with him, which all I could think is well of course she's okay she's in control of the entire situation, including some of my life to an extent. It's just all very stressful and I don't know how to manage it better...

He really does want it both ways, doesn't he? That little comment would have made me want to brain him. Shows a massive (probably wilful) misunderstanding of the situation which doesn't bode particularly well for anything changing any time soon.

onedaysomeday

elsien wrote: »

This is down to your partner to sort out and develop a bit of backbone.
Yes the kids come first, but putting them first isn't the same as him changing all his plans as soon as the ex says jump. Especially if she's then misleading the children about what is happening.
You can't make him change. If he's not prepared to draw any sort of line then you can't push him into it. But what you can do is change how you respond to it and as others have said, make your own plans rather than drop everything when his change. He really can't have it both ways.
It's not easy for him - a relative had an ex like this who used the children as a form of control. But when he stood his ground, she stopped messing him around quite so much. Maybe this would be the same. Are there formal access arrangements done through the court, or is it an informal agreeement. Has he ever seen a solicitor to look at his options. If not, maybe he should, knowledge being power and all that.
Otherwise you're going to carry on like this for the next X years, and is that a way that you really want to live?


He really does want it both ways, doesn't he? That little comment would have made me want to brain him. Shows a massive (probably wilful) misunderstanding of the situation which doesn't bode particularly well for anything changing any time soon.

I think that's what I will do, start making my own arrangements and show that I do have a life too and we all need to work together a bit more.

Oh that comment I did bite at but it was amidst other conversation and it just irked him that was the first thing I clung onto out of the conversation.

It's all informal, he has seen one for a free half hour or whatever before who said that as long as it was on his time with the kids there wasn't much grounds for me not being allowed to meet them. He's been trying to respect her wishes in the hope that she will come around to it and saying when we live together we can be introduced was a vaguely positive step but im wary of trusting her word that we can even then.

I guess I've just got to start, as everyone has said (thank you everyone for your replies) making my own plans and taking it from there

sheramber

If she carried out her threat of him not seeing the children again who would look after them when she wanted to go a date or on holiday?

He needs to take a step back and not be bullied or you accept that he is not going to change and she will always have control over him.

Doodles

onedaysomeday wrote: »

I guess I just came on as we had a disagreement yesterday and it just feels like too much today. I know that once things are all settled that we'll have a wonderful life, I just kind of thought it would be more settled than it is by now. He made a comment this morning that his only frustrations lie with me right now as she is being okay with him, which all I could think is well of course she's okay she's in control of the entire situation, including some of my life to an extent. It's just all very stressful and I don't know how to manage it better...

I can imagine this is very stressful. But the bit in bold is what's most worrying in my opinion. He doesn't see this as much of a problem as you do. Which suggests he isn't going to do much about making things better.

He is too involved with his ex, and letting her dictate his life. Like others have already said, he needs to get a backbone.

I don't think you should "manage it better". I think you should step away from this relationship, at least for the moment. I do think you deserve better than you are getting.