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Massive family problem & It's tearing me up. Needing guidance

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story in short
I have a ton of family issues including the past when my dad was violent towards me and posted a blog post about how I am becoming distant to family , my auntie found it and now I'm not part of 'HER' family. She wrote me so many nasty messages when all i've done is tell her the truth.

And now , I'm in bits at how awful she spoke to me and how an earth I'm going to carry on my life ?
_______________________________________________________________________
LONG Story;
I wrote on my blog a few weeks ago with this being part of it "I don't have a strong relationship with my family any more, I talk to my mum and sister but not anyone else too much. We've all grown apart and I have my own different values to them as well as there's been multiple instances that I should never of had to go through from a family member. It's another reason why I want to change my life, so I can ensure my future children do not go through this and so they have a happier life that what I felt I had."

My auntie found it and left me a message saying "Hi *Flix* , I read your blog. You are surrounded by family who love you - why write such lies? I’m both saddened and disgusted !!!128546; You separate yourself from your loving family by your choice, not ours...."

But she doesn't know half the stuff I deal with , I want to reply but know it's going to cause even more trouble. My dad is her brother by the way and her other brother is the one who planted the knife in my bag . My nan is her mum .

Here's the messages we exchanged;
ME: I don't want to fight but if I'm honest a lot of stuff happened last year or so that you don't know about that's been bad enough that I don't want that and it's not me wanting to be separate but honestly I can't be close. It hurt me that much .

Her: Maybe I know more than you think. That is one year, you’ve had a whole lifetime of love and you still do. Even so, keep it to your self, there is no interest in the rest of world knowing. Do you think I’ve had it easy? Have I told the world? Be an adult and don’t hang your dirty laundry for all to see - true or not. I’ll only say this once.

Me:
I guarantee you don't. Me putting it online was my own way of venting since i couldn't talk to any of my family ... as it always ends up being my fault and that my own thoughts or feelings were invalid .

Her: Lies again. You can talk to me, nan, *ada* , *Saphire* , *Bob* etc. Vent to us, not publicly. When you do that you are muddying our name and we have nothing to deserve that, only love and include you. Grow up, be an adult, deal with it in the circle of love that you have. I am incredibly annoyed with your actions and request that you desist from any further venting of my family!

Me: And that's just proven my point.

her:
That you can slag off my family and no one say anything! This stops now! What do you think nana d grandad will feel if they knew what awful stuff you were saying so publicly - vile and disgusting!

Me:
You say about them finding out this but I'm sure they won't be happy to know that my dad punched me a few weeks before I was due to move out along with other instances where he felt like he had to use violence against his own daughter during arguments , as well as accusing me time after time of doing drugs, and smoking when I was clean and never have done any of that , telling me it was my fault for being bullied. When I had depression I was told to just "get over it as I had nothing to be depressed about" ... the fact that i could have been in serious trouble if the lady in tesco or my manager at work caught me eith that stupid steak knife in my bag , and beung told i was invalid and yet I'm in the wrong ?

Her: Clearly *dan* talking. Grow up, I have lost a bit of respect for you *flix* , be your own person not what he wants you to be. We were there a long time before him and will be a long time after he’s gone. Be careful were your loyalties lie, you could end up very lonely...

Me:
*dan* been the only one there for me . this ain't got nothing to do with him. How is my dad hitting me to do with him? Id rather have 1 person to be loyal to then this . All I've done is tell the truth .

her:
Whatever, just stop slagging off a good family who don’t deserve it public. Good luck with him, you’ll need it...,

___________________
Context:

My nan said she'd pick me up to go to a farewell party as my auntie (THE ONE WHO SENT ME THOSE MESSAGES) is moving to France and last friday was her last night . So I get in her car and all she's done is complain about how long she's been driving for, the fact that she chose to ignore her sat nav and then moaned that it'll take an extra 15 mins to get to the place ... saying she hates this journey and such... I'm trying to make convo and she's ignoring me but talking to my grandad. Making me feel guilty for moving an hour away.

I don't get on with my mum much it's always so awkward when I'm on the phone... it sounds like she wants to go all the time so when i say bye or wrap it up she gets funny... or when i say something she's never interested ...like walking on eggshells.everytime I talk to my mum she makes funny faces at me as if she's not interested or disgusted with me... keeps saying yeah really like vaguely. ... keeps rolling her eyes when i mention wedding ... not that I go on but they gave my younger cousins my disney snow globes and I said "oohh may have to borrow them for my wedding " and that was it...

I've not spoken to my dad properly since Christmas ... as sad as it is I'm reversered fron him as before I moved out he punched/hit me and in my younger years he'd say it was my fault for being bullied and one time he threw my office chair at me (missed but atill) and kicked me. Obviously mum didn't believe me each time I tried to go to her ; and I never took it further cos I felt guilty and wrong cos he was my dad. My sister is the favourite as she has Autism and they make a big deal of it and of awareness (such as posting about it on facebook) but when I got diagnosed with depression and had weeks off on numerous occasions because of it, I'm supposed to 'cheer up as I have nothing to be depressed about" .

I never talk to my uncle (bob*) as he caused !!!! last year by putting a steak knife in the front of my bag and didn't tell me until i found out when I went to get my purse out. Bearing in mind I work with 2-3yr olds and obviously used that bag for work and everyone in my family said I was being stupid and my feelings were invalid when i said I could have lost my job or worse if found.

My cousin (Saphire - her daughter) whose in France I never speak to she again caused trouble when we were little, getting my dad to be on her side then his own daughters . She also wrote nasty !!!! when this knife thing happend and her boyfriend threatened to break my Fiance's legs. And now she's definitely not invited to the wedding but my nan said she wont come if my cousins not invited

I yearn to be close but I can't. It's been nice with just me and my f.h and I want to cut ties as much as I can , only going to family events when necessary but them I've been accused of disowning them and that I'm selfish and I don't love my family.

The last time I tried to detach myself , we got in a horrible shouting argument over the phone and I was made to feel 100 times worse and made to feel like it was ALL my fault.
Wedding Fund: £1107.23 / £2,500 Xmas'18: £100.00 / £300.00 Emergency Fund: £100.00 / £1,000H2B ISA: £30.50
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Comments

  • z1a
    z1a Posts: 2,522 Forumite
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    Maybe it IS all your fault.
  • Browntoa
    Browntoa Posts: 49,332 Forumite
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    Lesson learned is don't put identifiable personal stuff on your blog

    Perhaps you need to talk to someone like the samaritans if you feel that you don't know how you are going to carry on with Life
    Ex forum ambassador

    Long term forum member
  • Charleyalmostking
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    It's not just that.
    It's all my life, I been thrown aside.
    And now I'm called a Liar for saying the truth.

    and that I'm not even a part of that family anyway as my auntie reffered to it as HER family not "our"

    ______
    And no, it's not my fault that my parents chose violence towards me?
    They chose to have me, They chose those actions. I didn't tell them to hurt me,
    I have tried to connect with them... So how is that my fault
    Wedding Fund: £1107.23 / £2,500 Xmas'18: £100.00 / £300.00 Emergency Fund: £100.00 / £1,000H2B ISA: £30.50
  • maman
    maman Posts: 28,678 Forumite
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    You might have found it cathartic to get it all out there in a fairly public way. That was your choice. You've put your side of the story and presumably you did it because it helped you in some way.


    Unfortunately you now have to live with the downside in that the 'public' will have an opinion on what you've written which you may or may not agree with.


    Your aunt obviously feels that you have been shown some caring by family over the years and is hurt by your comments.
  • fishybusiness
    fishybusiness Posts: 1,263 Forumite
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    Question: How does venting online do you any good?

    Venting, sure that is ok, but not so the people involved can find it, and it is public and others can work it out.

    They all have friends, relatives, maybe work colleagues, and more, it is not appropriate.

    May be worth thinking about the truth as your truth.

    That is not to say you are a liar only that words can affect the recipient in a certain way, but were not meant that way. We all do it, we all get it wrong, and in an emotionally charged atmosphere it can go horribly wrong.

    Violence of course is just wrong.
  • Ilona
    Ilona Posts: 2,449 Forumite
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    Not a good idea to put your family problems on your blog, or an open forum, it will come back to bite you on the bum. Talking to someone at the Samaritans might help you.

    Ilona
    I love skip diving.
    :D
  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,559 Forumite
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    The last time I tried to detach myself , we got in a horrible shouting argument over the phone and I was made to feel 100 times worse and made to feel like it was ALL my fault.

    Why do you want to be part of a family who treat you badly?

    You can't into arguments with people if you've really cut the ties - block phone numbers and FB connections, etc.

    Stop talking about identifiable people on the web and start making some really good friends who are nicer people than your family.
  • KxMx
    KxMx Posts: 10,620 Forumite
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    If cutting down contact hasn't helped, then try cutting all contact.

    They cause you nothing but pain by the sounds of things, and are unlikely to change.

    Therefore you need to be the one to change by going 0 contact.
  • rach_k
    rach_k Posts: 2,236 Forumite
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    What a load of drama! It sounds like horrible things have happened but the way you're reacting to ongoing stuff - like the way your mum rolls her eyes - sounds very childish, in fact I'm always telling my kids not to react to things like that (and they're both under 10!). If you don't like a behaviour and mentioning it once, politely, isn't going to change it, either ignore it (don't react at all) or remove yourself from the situation.

    The blog issue sounds like a mix of generational differences - it's normal for the younger generations to blog/post about everything in their lives - and daftness on your part. Yes, it's normal to blog but when you're writing about very sensitive things, it's also normal to do it anonymously, which you obviously didn't do! You're suffering now because you didn't use your common sense. I'd suggest deleting that particular post WITHOUT talking to your aunt about it any more. Start an anonymous blog somewhere else for more sensitive stuff and don't use real names.
  • sheepy21
    sheepy21 Posts: 221 Forumite
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    I'm very sorry your family have treated you so badly, you've been abused by your father and to be treated like that by the rest of your fathers family is just awful.
    I think sometimes a time comes where you have to let family go, my husband has been emotionally and mentally abused for most of his life, he tries to have a relationship with his family but it always fails, he is however generally happier when he's not in contact with them.
    If you're suffering with depression, go and speak to your gp and perhaps see if you can get some counselling, you're obviously struggling.
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