Upset as found out my ex has had a baby with his new g/f!

owsaboutthatthen

I'm in total shock! Me and my ex split last year although some may say it was for the best, we both had depression round about the same time but each other's symptoms went unrecognised but were clear to everyone else. An accumulation of things led to him needing a "break" because he couldn't hack the responsibilities of family life and felt a failure and that i'd let him down (?!) I didn't want this to happen but didn't have a choice in the matter. He still admits leaving me was the biggest mistake in his life as we have two children together - the youngest was only 1 month old when he left! He met someone else and ended up staying with her after months of keeping this from me and to cut a long story short it all came out that he was seeing her but still loved his family very much. Lots of hatred and heartache etc went on during this time.

Anyway I got told yesterday that he has been keeping from me a secret for 9 months saying it was killing him inside and couldn't find the right time to tell me. He said she had it when me, the children and my parents were on holiday at the end of Sept. I was devastated due to the fact he could even contemplate having a baby based on the circumstances why he left in the first place. He did say it wasn't planned and told her to have an abortion as their living arranagements are not ideal in the first place and he didn't even want another baby. I feel so hurt etc etc after becoming much stronger after the split and everything else that was thrown at me. I'm hoping I can get through this because I'm stronger but doesn't stop me feeling hurt and jealous.

I'm just hoping my children don't become second best and I have been assured that they won't but it doesn't stop you from wondering.

I know this kinda thing goes on all the time but has anyone else had this experience? When it happens to you it hurts!

kisto

((((HUGS))))
I've not been in this situation myself, and can only imagine the mixed emotions you are experiencing.

I asked my ex to leave, a year ago, and even now when I find out he has 'another' girlfriend it sends my mind into hurt/jealous overdrive. I definitely don't want him back, and I'm significantly better of without him....but it still hurts for some reason. I think finding out he'd become a father again would be very difficult for me . When he was with me he was adamant he didn't want any more kids (fingers crossed this doesn't happen!)....so I can empathise with your turmoil.

The only advice I can offer is to distract yourself and try not to dwell on the situation. Indulge and spoil yourself. Keep busy. Try to find peace by remind yourself of how bad things were and how good things are now.

wobblebottom

Yes and it Darnwell Hurts...

At the time I had been Split from my Ex about a month (4yrs ago now tho and couldnt be happier)

We split for very much the same reasons, family,kids blah blah, he wanted better quality of life.. Thing was the yr before we split he more or less forced me into Steralisation, which I did in a bid to ease the burden and worry of falling pregnant and having yet another child that He didnt want..

The month after he left I got a drunken fone call... His girlfriend of 1 mth was pregnant.. with his child.. How I wet myself laffing..It was soooooooooo expected.. but underneath It cut me like a knife.. i was gutted.. But in hindsight im glad it wasnt me.. He cannot provide or be bothered with these two wonderful kids we had as is.. let alone another..

Chin up petal.. It will go away... honest.

miserly_mum

My ex hubby did exactly the same thing....twice

Left me when I was pregnant with our son(4th child). He said all I wanted was to pop out babies, that he couldn't cope with the stress of family life anymore etc etc and needed a break to sort his head out

Then promptly started seeing someone else and impregnating her almost immediately,without me knowing. Our son was born in May that year and the other girls son in Dec.

He totally rejected her and the child when she told him and wormed his way back with me. I knew nothing until a CSA letter arrived about a year later.

It gets better.....We went on to have another baby 2 years later(not planned) and you guessed it he cleared off again. Leaving me 7 months pregnant with 4 small kids.

Met another girl very quickly and had 2 more children. Both times she was pregnant he asked me to take him back. I politely refused. He treats her like rubbish even though she works to support them all and has had several affairs behind her back

I could go on but you get the picture.....some men are just too self centered to think of anyones needs but their own. Ex now doesn't have any contact with our children (his choice)

You may well find him trying to get back with you when things get rough with his new g/f be prepared

On a lighter note.....leaving me was the biggest favour he ever did me. After many difficult years on my own I met a wonderful man and we now have a little boy nearly 2. Wasn't until I was with my new Partner that I realised how crappy my life with my ex was.

There are good men out there just be strong and don't be jealous, his new g/f is stuck with him.....you are the lucky biatch that has got rid of him

owsaboutthatthen

Thanks for your reassuring comments - after being with my ex for 4 good years (well the last being the worst) you think you won't find a better man and despite everything still have some feelings but would never want him back because have tried that and still found out he was seeing this girl. I think I'm in a funny situation because I still live in our house which has been on the market for sale since the beginning of the year so he still comes to the house to see the kids - I don't go out much and that little bit of adult company, albeit him, sorts me out for the day. Does that sound daft? We are still friends but this lot has cut me up something rotten and don't want my (our) kids to suffer because of it.

hobo28

owsaboutthatthen wrote: »

Thanks for your reassuring comments - after being with my ex for 4 good years (well the last being the worst) you think you won't find a better man and despite everything still have some feelings but would never want him back because have tried that and still found out he was seeing this girl. I think I'm in a funny situation because I still live in our house which has been on the market for sale since the beginning of the year so he still comes to the house to see the kids - I don't go out much and that little bit of adult company, albeit him, sorts me out for the day. Does that sound daft? We are still friends but this lot has cut me up something rotten and don't want my (our) kids to suffer because of it.

That so reminds me of when my ex & I split up. I was left with both children, very much felt I'd never do any better. I even found myself making excuses up to invite ex into the home, one time even cooking her dinner for her. In the end I figured out it wasn't that I still had feelings for her but it was the adult company I craved.

It does get better. Its very hard at first but trust me you will end up better off without a man like that. There are plenty of single parent support groups out there. Try a site like gingerbread for starters.

kisto

owsaboutthatthen wrote: »

I think I'm in a funny situation because I still live in our house which has been on the market for sale since the beginning of the year so he still comes to the house to see the kids - I don't go out much and that little bit of adult company, albeit him, sorts me out for the day. Does that sound daft? We are still friends but this lot has cut me up something rotten and don't want my (our) kids to suffer because of it.

I can definitely relate to these feelings and it most definitely doesn't sound daft.
As I said in an earlier post, I asked my ex to leave....however this didn't stop me from craving adult company. He was the nearest available adult at the time of our split and I found myself turning to him quite often. This only made the split more difficult and blurred the boundaries. I wanted to remain friends (after all, we'd spent 14 years of our life together) but it became very difficult...particularly when he had girlfriends. I decided to distance myself to the point that when he was collecting the kids, I made him wait at the bottom of the drive as I couldn't bare to see him. Fortunately, a year on, and we're amicable now.

It sounds like you need to get out there meeting people. My ex had told me I was "going to die old and lonely". This made me determined and I went out and boosted my social life. I went on courses, and I'd even go into the pub on my own. I'd chat to the woman behind the checkout in the post office just to get adult conversation. You don't say how old your kids are, but whatever age, they are a great ice breaker.

benbenandme

Another one checking in here ... luckily my ex hasn't had any more children yet since leaving us but I know he will and I dread that day
He left us two and a half years ago, 4 days before ds 2nd birthday. We were going to try for another baby when ds was 2 ... he never had the guts to tell me how he was feeling, even bought me those tablets (can't even remember the name now!) that you are supposed to take before you get pregnant ... anyhow, he comes home one night, announces he doesn't love me anymore and hasn't done for 3 years (ds wasn't even 2!!) and was leaving. He moved in with a girl from work 2 days later and they're still together
I will never forgive him for it all ... and as much as I would never want him back I still sometimes mis the company and I have days where I just want to chat to him ... but deep down I know its not him I miss but the feeling of being a complete family, of having someone there to support you and talk things over with etc.
However, I moved out of our old home 4 months ago and moved to a new area and it was the best thing I've done for us (me and ds) ... in many ways my life is so much better than when he was with us but it doesn't stop you missing it :rolleyes:
Anyway, big hugs to you ... I haven't had to go through it yet but I know I will one day and I'm dreading it

owsaboutthatthen

Thanks again for your stories - I have a boy aged 3 and a half and a girl aged 14 months old. They have got me through the split by keeping my mind occupied etc and they are my world so hopefully will get me through anything including this baby thing even though it is hard on my own. I'm in the house where there are memories of good times and bad and the sooner I'm living somewhere else I can start a fresh. Also another emotion tied to this lot is the fact we were always planning to have 3 children, but he has had his third child but it's not ours! Even though I have moved on to a degree, this is another emotion I'm experiencing and I hope the jealous/hurt emotion will soon subside.