How can I help my depressed partner?

determined_new_ms

I suffered with depression for many years on and off. My partner did an intervention (just him!) and very kindly told me I had to try to find some joy and happiness. That I couldn't just think of all the negatives going on in our life - my daughter has a mental health problem and things were very difficult for many years, combined with that my son started getting into trouble and I hated my work. He expressed the impact it was having on him, I was so distant to him.

He did this so well, so kindly and with so much love, that it really helped me to start to try to get better. I didn't feel bad or defensive because it was done so well. He had been researching depression and simple things you can do to try to look at things more positively and change.

curlywurlygurly

Thank you for the responses, everyone.

We started taking vitamins when he went back on the ADs and he walks for 20 minutes every day (to the local shop!), but usually before I get home from work. He doesn't really go anywhere apart from that.

Every time I plan something, he agrees, then bails the day before/ on the day. This can be something simple like going to the cinema, or bigger, like a weekend away at the seaside. I either end up going with a friend/alone, or cancelling and usually not getting a refund due to short notice. I've tried 'not taking no for an answer' but he just digs in harder and gets angry. I've tried reasoning, pleading, involving him in the choices of dates/ locations, springing it as a surprise so he can't get overly worried.... but none of it works.

pmlindylou, I'm in my mid-30s, he's late 40s, and we've been together over a decade. I love him and want him to be happy and healthy, I just feel so lost and helpless when nothing I have done seems to make a difference and anything I want gets blocked by the barriers caused by the depression. In the grand scheme of things, I suppose three years isn't a huge length of time, but three years of no affection, no interest in anything I'm doing, all plans cancelled, and shouldering total responsibility for managing the household and covering the mortgage and bills, it feels more like I'm his mother and landlord.

Neil, thank you for sharing your background and for your reasoned advice. I'm so pleased things seem to be getting back on track for you and your partner.

NeilCr

curlywurlygurly wrote: »

Thank you for the responses, everyone.

We started taking vitamins when he went back on the ADs and he walks for 20 minutes every day (to the local shop!), but usually before I get home from work. He doesn't really go anywhere apart from that.

Every time I plan something, he agrees, then bails the day before/ on the day. This can be something simple like going to the cinema, or bigger, like a weekend away at the seaside. I either end up going with a friend/alone, or cancelling and usually not getting a refund due to short notice. I've tried 'not taking no for an answer' but he just digs in harder and gets angry. I've tried reasoning, pleading, involving him in the choices of dates/ locations, springing it as a surprise so he can't get overly worried.... but none of it works.

pmlindylou, I'm in my mid-30s, he's late 40s, and we've been together over a decade. I love him and want him to be happy and healthy, I just feel so lost and helpless when nothing I have done seems to make a difference and anything I want gets blocked by the barriers caused by the depression. In the grand scheme of things, I suppose three years isn't a huge length of time, but three years of no affection, no interest in anything I'm doing, all plans cancelled, and shouldering total responsibility for managing the household and covering the mortgage and bills, it feels more like I'm his mother and landlord.

Neil, thank you for sharing your background and for your reasoned advice. I'm so pleased things seem to be getting back on track for you and your partner.

I had the bailing too. I think it might have been part of the can't/won't issue. She'd agree to do something, possibly to support me, but when it came to it she just couldn't do it. It's hugely frustrating I know. Whatever you try you can't get them to go

It sounds like he's got a routine that he can cope with and makes him feel secure. The 20 minute walk to the shops and then staying in, playing games etc. Although my ex is better routine and having her "comfort" things around her are still a huge part of her life.

In my experience that's really hard to get around. As I said before my ex begun to get better when she got to understand her condition. She realised that she had cycles - so when she was going "down" she knew that she would come out of it, eventually, and that made it a bit easier.

Your situation feels quite similar to mine. You do feel alone in the relationship and that all responsibility falls on you - I can only reiterate that you have to take care of yourself.

No problem and I hope nothing I've written in any way upsets you. Me and my ex are fine now. We separated years ago which was the best thing for both of us - it was after she got better and the reasons were nothing to do with the depression. We are on very good terms and we speak weekly - as I know her so well she still turns to me for advice. She trusts me and that's rather nice, still.

I hope this turns out well for you both.