Too much debt, too scared to tell husband

hanr7

Hi there,
This is the first time I've admitted this so please go easy on me and apologies this is long.

Basically, I have been struggling more and more to keep on top of my debt repayments and other bills lately and so I have finally had to face up to the extent of my problem.

I am married but we have always had separate bank accounts. We have a mortgage together, but it is paid out of his account only and I pay the council tax and utilities bills, some grocery bills plus the majority of child-related expenses.

The problems started when we had twins several years ago. We couldn't really afford childcare for the two of them (had obviously only expected one at a time when we decided to start a family) and I had learned a skill while on maternity leave and so I convinced my husband it would be better for me to run a business from home whilst also looking after the children instead of going out to work. Some months later we had a couple of (in hindsight, relatively minor) financial emergencies and my husband was ridiculously stressed out about them to the point of punching walls, short-temper and long depressive periods.

Over the next few years (and an unexpected 3rd child later) I have been in the main too scared to admit to any financial shortcomings on my part, partly for fear of a repeat of the above and partly due to pride in not being dependent on him financially. I have also suffered from periods of very poor mental health when I have struggled to generate as much income as usual and have ended up taking out loans or spending on credit cards to cover the shortfall rather than asking for help. I did a part time job as well as my business from 2014-2016, but we still had to pay out a lot in childcare and my mental health really took a battering constantly having to switch between work, business, childcare juggling and parenting in general and my business was going well at the time so I quit.

Anyway, the upshot is that I have just realised that I now have about £15k debt in unsecured loans, catalogue accounts and credit cards with minimum monthly repayments totalling around £600 plus around £400 other bills. It's becoming really stressful each month to create enough business for myself to meet all my direct debits and I often only just make them by the skin of my teeth. My income for this year is likely to be around the £13-14k mark.

So, after all that rambling (apologies - I think I needed to get it off my chest) I guess I want to know, is it possible to enter into a DMP to give me some breathing space, without having to tell my husband or have his income taken into account? He earns double what I do but it is still under the national average to give an idea. My main worry is that we have 1 year left of our mortgage deal with Halifax. Last time our initial fixed period came to an end I just went online and was able to go onto a different and better fixed deal very easily, but that was in 2015 and I don't know if things have changed since then. Would we be refused another deal if I have a DMP and am financially linked to DH through the mortgage? How else could it affect him? I know I should just tell him, but we have had quite a rocky marriage over the last few years and on a personal level things were just starting to look up and I feel like this coming at this time could seriously tear things apart. Part of the solution would be for him to take on more of the financial burden of the household bills, but I've avoided bringing this up because I was scared it would lead to having to reveal how much I'm paying out in debt repayments.

Anyway, please can anyone give me any advice or experience that could help? I'm just feeling like I'm in an impossible black hole just now and I don't know what to do for the best.

Thank you

feekerry

Hi there.
Didn’t want to read and run.... I too have been in a similar situation until fairly recently. And have successfully come out the other side!
In short it is absolutely possible to take a dmp in your own name and leave your husbands finances out of it. As long as the debt you are including is just in your name. As long as you are happy to stay with your current mortgage company you will be able to continue to choose a new product with them without any further validation. I did it twice whilst in my dmp without issue.
Where an issue may arise is if your husband suggests looking around for a better deal etc when your mortgage is up.... you are not going to be able to do that. There is also a fair amount of postal correspondence and telephone calls when you start your dmp as it take companies a while to get with it. I successfully ‘hid’ my dmp for about 4 years. But I lived in dread of hubby accidentally seeing a letter etc. It all came out when my partner started pushing for home improvements (desperately needed) and kept suggesting remortgaging. So it all came out, and whilst it was awful as I had already made big in roads to sorting it, it was really okay. In hindsight the minute I started struggling whilst on mat leave I should have just said then. But instead I borrowed my way out of it until I couldn’t anymore. To the tune of 35k.
So please, do something about it now, even if you can’t tell your husband now... take the right steps x

itchyfeet123

hanr7 wrote: »

...
I am married but we have always had separate bank accounts. We have a mortgage together, but it is paid out of his account only and I pay the council tax and utilities bills, some grocery bills plus the majority of child-related expenses.

... He earns double what I do but it is still under the national average to give an idea.

...Part of the solution would be for him to take on more of the financial burden of the household bills, but I've avoided bringing this up because I was scared it would lead to having to reveal how much I'm paying out in debt repayments.

How did you come up with that split of expenses? Are the numbers you used for both of your incomes and the various expenses still accurate? I'm guessing that council tax, utilities, and kid stuff is about the same as the mortgage. If he's making double your income, a reasonable starting point is that household expenses are split 1:2. This doesn't make you dependent on him; you're contributing child care in addition to your financial contribution. And I'm guessing at least some of the debt was spent on household stuff.

I get that you're reluctant to bring this up with your husband because your relationship feels fragile. But, to be blunt, what's the point of being in a relationship if your partner doesn't have your back (him) or keeps important stuff secret (you)?

National_Debtline

Hi there and welcome to MSE,

It is certainly possible to do a sole DMP. If you were to do this you would need to do some basics, such as, doing a budget plan. As you are self employed you will need a business budget plan, which you may be able to do through Business Debtline - https://tools.businessdebtline.org/yourbudget/ or if you are a limited company, you may need to speak to your accountant if you don't take a regular wage.


With regard to a DMP, it is not legally binding, so you shouldn't pay a fee for it. Most creditors tend to cooperate with a reputable DMP company however, they don't have to, and this could be a potential problem, if your husband doesn't know and if a creditor took action. You also need to be aware that the debts could register a default or the DMP on your credit file. As you have a joint mortgage you and your husband have a 'financial association' meaning your credit files can influence each other and this could have a negative affect on his credit file.

It may also pose a problem with re-mortgaging. If you are happy to default onto your lenders standard variable at the end of your fixed term, then it is unlikely you would be credit checked and the DMP is unlikely to come up. However, if you want a new mortgage product, even with the same lender, they are quite likely to credit check you, and ask you about other financial commitments and your debts / DMP would need to be declared at that stage.


Laura
@natdebtline

smem18

As National Debtline have said above: even if you remortgage with the same lender you have now I think it is highly likely they will credit check you and ask about debts. The advice another poster gave about not getting credit checked with the same lender might not be true. So this may all end up coming out to your husband when you remortgage I think.
As you suggested yourself, would one solution be to ask you husband to take on more of the bills? He must notice you are running yourself ragged trying to get business in and just tell him its getting too much and is killing you.

I still only think this would buy you time as I think you will end up having to tell him, and the longer you leave it the worse it will be. I would be more angry at my partner for not telling me about debts than I would be about him getting into debt in the first place because I could have been helping him pay it off all that time.

LittleMissKitty

I'm afraid I'm not much use at answering the debt questions but in terms of the end result I'm afraid I agree with smem, it will all come out sooner or later and the stress of trying to hide it won't be helping you.

I understand the concept is terrifying but I feel you really do need to talk to your husband about this and it's probably going to be better getting it done now than him finding out when you go to remortgage?

Mnd

I realise that you have concerns about telling your husband, but..you are a married couple, partners in life and you need to tackle this together

feekerry

Most retention deals with your current lender are not subject to credit/affordability checks. You can normally find this information on your current lenders terms. When I mean retention deal I mean simply switching rates. No terms changes, no amount changes etc. Literally a rate switch. Even if you add a product fee to the mortgage.

However, I’m not telling you this as I think you are doing this the right way. Having been there recently I urge you to confront this

enthusiasticsaver

You can do a DMP and leave your husbands finances out of it but you are financially linked through the mortgage so if you try to remortgage or he applies for credit he will find out you have defaults. To go on to a DMP you have to default and the sooner the better as they don't drop off your record until 6 years later.

If his income is sufficient to bridge the gap between your earnings and outgoings it would make more sense to do that as your credit record will not be affected.

Fireflyaway

I have a DMP and made it clear I didn't want my husbands income taken into account. He knew about that but I'm like you in the respect of not wanting to be too upfront about finances again due to poor mental health. If a large or unexpected bill comes, I try to handle it myself and it has caused me extra debt. The start is to know exactly where you stand with your income and outgoings. Write it down. It might be possible to go on a plan with some creditors just by contacting them individually and agreeing smaller payments. Maybe try the snowball method. Definitely ensure the debt doesn't increase. You might need to rethink how the bills are paid. Maybe a joint bills account where you each pay in an agreed sum? Then your account is still yours. Good luck.

mumofthetwins

Hi just a note ... I have just this month swapped deals with Halifax online (little mortgage so worked out cheaper to stay with lender) and there were no check .. they didn't ask any income checks just pick which terms I wanted. I think if you want to change term dates or additional borrowing they will do checks then. Hope this helps ..

Lisa x