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Some questions after my mums recent sudden death
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SeriouslyStressedOut
Posts: 8 Forumite
Hi,
I’m new here and I’m sure this will be long, so thanks in advance for reading.
My mum recently passed away at home. It was very sudden and very traumatic for us as she was very young and we waited an hour and a half for an ambulance (we were told we weren’t a priority and had to do 40 mins of CPR but it was too little too late). We have an ongoing complaint with the ambulance service as we made 5 999 calls and the dispatcher hung up on 4 calls and on the 5th whilst talking through CPR, said 20 minutes in “she’s dead now, should I cancel the ambulance?”
As my mums next of kin, pretty much everything has transferred to my dad. The house is owned outright (in joint names) and she had 2 debts. A credit card which was paid in full each month (balance at time of death approx £160) and an unsecured loan (balance approx £6,000 taken out around 18 months ago).
As the death was sudden and there is no cause as of yet, we’ve been issued an interim death certificate by the coroner until they can confirm cause of death by toxicology and possible inquest due to the circumstances and waiting so long for an ambulance, so we just yesterday managed to get to the bank with a copy, although the accounts were frozen within a few days of her passing away.
Our understanding was that funeral expenses would come from the credit balances in her accounts (credit balance over 3 accounts approximately £4,000 and funeral costs £2,300 as we had a very basic funeral) and then any remaining credit balances would go towards the loan. However, when discussing with the bank yesterday, they have said categorically that their debt is a priority and we have no chance of getting any money towards the funeral. I also spoke to the CAB and they confirmed the bank can do this despite their website saying funeral costs can come from the accounts. I don’t understand that. As a family we have never lived extravagant lifestyles and the loan was more than affordable for my mum we just obviously didn’t expect this to happen.
The other query we have with the bank is that my mum was due to go on holiday with her friend in a couple of weeks - due to the circumstances, the friend has managed to obtain a 50% refundable of the cost of the holiday (£507 each for my mum and her friend), however, as my mum paid the balance from her debit card, this refund has had to go back on to her debit card and the friends half couldn’t be paid to her direct due to some regulations. We have explained to the bank that half of this money doesn’t belong to my mum and we can provide proof from the holiday company of 50% belonging to the friend, but again the bank have said this will go towards their debt for the loan. Is this right? There’s no travel insurance for my mum as she always took out single trip insurance, so the holiday company have been great in issuing 50% back. The friend does have an annual policy and is in the process of claiming her other half back minus an excess but her other half is stuck in my mums account. Is there any way around this? If all else fails, we will get together the £500 that’s rightly hers but it seems unfair that there is money in that account that doesn’t belong to my mum that can be proved and was only put in on fridat last week.
As my mum wasn’t at pension age (she was 51) my dad has qualified for a lump sum credit and monthly payments of £100 for 18 months.
My dad is poorly too with cancer, so I’m wanting to take as much pressure off him as I can as I’m scared I’ll lose him through stress and he too is only young at 55.
We’ve sorted her car, got it insured in my dads name, sorted out utilities, pet insurance, notified everyone we can think of.
We need to try and figure out pensions next (I’ve posted a question about how to start with that in the pensions section) but she may have had unit trusts too so I need to search out paperwork to see if those were cashed or left as they were.
The funeral bill needs to be paid and we’ve been given 30 days before interest accrues on the balance but the worry now is not being able to pay from her accounts that were in credit. I sent the final bill to the bank yesterday in the hopes they’ll see the funeral was in no way extravagant but as this was so unexpected the only means of paying that bill is from her bank accounts.
Is there anything else that we need to think about other than the emotional side of things as we are very traumatised by the events of that night and I think we should arrange counselling of some description to try and come to terms with this.
Also is there any bereavement charities that could possibly help with my dad - he is distraught and although I’m helping as much as I can, I work full time and live 90 miles away so I’m staying with him a few days a week and have put my house on the market so I can move in with him eventually and pay board to give him some financial security, but in the meantime I think he’d benefit from some outside help with practical things like cooking, being on his own, coping with his cancer etc.
We’ve also changed my dads hospital records to record me as next of kin instead of my mum.
Sorry it’s so long and thank you very much for reading. Any advice would be much appreciated.
I’m new here and I’m sure this will be long, so thanks in advance for reading.
My mum recently passed away at home. It was very sudden and very traumatic for us as she was very young and we waited an hour and a half for an ambulance (we were told we weren’t a priority and had to do 40 mins of CPR but it was too little too late). We have an ongoing complaint with the ambulance service as we made 5 999 calls and the dispatcher hung up on 4 calls and on the 5th whilst talking through CPR, said 20 minutes in “she’s dead now, should I cancel the ambulance?”
As my mums next of kin, pretty much everything has transferred to my dad. The house is owned outright (in joint names) and she had 2 debts. A credit card which was paid in full each month (balance at time of death approx £160) and an unsecured loan (balance approx £6,000 taken out around 18 months ago).
As the death was sudden and there is no cause as of yet, we’ve been issued an interim death certificate by the coroner until they can confirm cause of death by toxicology and possible inquest due to the circumstances and waiting so long for an ambulance, so we just yesterday managed to get to the bank with a copy, although the accounts were frozen within a few days of her passing away.
Our understanding was that funeral expenses would come from the credit balances in her accounts (credit balance over 3 accounts approximately £4,000 and funeral costs £2,300 as we had a very basic funeral) and then any remaining credit balances would go towards the loan. However, when discussing with the bank yesterday, they have said categorically that their debt is a priority and we have no chance of getting any money towards the funeral. I also spoke to the CAB and they confirmed the bank can do this despite their website saying funeral costs can come from the accounts. I don’t understand that. As a family we have never lived extravagant lifestyles and the loan was more than affordable for my mum we just obviously didn’t expect this to happen.
The other query we have with the bank is that my mum was due to go on holiday with her friend in a couple of weeks - due to the circumstances, the friend has managed to obtain a 50% refundable of the cost of the holiday (£507 each for my mum and her friend), however, as my mum paid the balance from her debit card, this refund has had to go back on to her debit card and the friends half couldn’t be paid to her direct due to some regulations. We have explained to the bank that half of this money doesn’t belong to my mum and we can provide proof from the holiday company of 50% belonging to the friend, but again the bank have said this will go towards their debt for the loan. Is this right? There’s no travel insurance for my mum as she always took out single trip insurance, so the holiday company have been great in issuing 50% back. The friend does have an annual policy and is in the process of claiming her other half back minus an excess but her other half is stuck in my mums account. Is there any way around this? If all else fails, we will get together the £500 that’s rightly hers but it seems unfair that there is money in that account that doesn’t belong to my mum that can be proved and was only put in on fridat last week.
As my mum wasn’t at pension age (she was 51) my dad has qualified for a lump sum credit and monthly payments of £100 for 18 months.
My dad is poorly too with cancer, so I’m wanting to take as much pressure off him as I can as I’m scared I’ll lose him through stress and he too is only young at 55.
We’ve sorted her car, got it insured in my dads name, sorted out utilities, pet insurance, notified everyone we can think of.
We need to try and figure out pensions next (I’ve posted a question about how to start with that in the pensions section) but she may have had unit trusts too so I need to search out paperwork to see if those were cashed or left as they were.
The funeral bill needs to be paid and we’ve been given 30 days before interest accrues on the balance but the worry now is not being able to pay from her accounts that were in credit. I sent the final bill to the bank yesterday in the hopes they’ll see the funeral was in no way extravagant but as this was so unexpected the only means of paying that bill is from her bank accounts.
Is there anything else that we need to think about other than the emotional side of things as we are very traumatised by the events of that night and I think we should arrange counselling of some description to try and come to terms with this.
Also is there any bereavement charities that could possibly help with my dad - he is distraught and although I’m helping as much as I can, I work full time and live 90 miles away so I’m staying with him a few days a week and have put my house on the market so I can move in with him eventually and pay board to give him some financial security, but in the meantime I think he’d benefit from some outside help with practical things like cooking, being on his own, coping with his cancer etc.
We’ve also changed my dads hospital records to record me as next of kin instead of my mum.
Sorry it’s so long and thank you very much for reading. Any advice would be much appreciated.
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Comments
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I am sorry to say that the b ank are entitled too ffset balances in this way. For future reference if there is no money the local council has to pay for the funeral.0
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It’s seems to be very contradictory as the bereavement pack we were given by the bank said that we could apply for funds towards the funeral and the CAB website also says “the funeral bill should be paid before any other bills or debts”.
It’s so confusing as we had a very basic funeral knowing roughly how much she had and relying on being able to claim that money after we’d read the pack from the bank and the CAB website prior to arranging the funeral.
Looks like I’ll be doing overtime at work to help cover that cost in that case or putting it on my credit card. Very frustrating as it feels like we were misadvised in the bereavement pack given by the bank themselves. But I suppose a necessary cost we will have to soak up if we absolutely can’t access the funds.
I’d rather get into debt myself than not be able to have a say in the funeral had it been arranged by the local authority. We needed some sense of closure after what happened.0 -
I'm sorry this has happened. My understanding is that the funeral takes precedence over any debts. I suspect that the bank can do this although morally questionable.
To get support for your dad you could see what cancer support charities are local to you. Maggie's Centres also have an online presence. Just Google cancer support ' place's.Lost my soulmate so life is empty.
I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
Diana Gabaldon, Outlander0 -
This is probably the most experienced bereavement charity:
https://www.cruse.org.uk/
However, i would be more inclined, as Torry says, to talk to your dad's specialist nurse as they will have local experience (if he doesn't have one, ring the hospital department where he is seen, and ask).
I also hope that your mum's friend can be understanding. I also wonder if you can find another way to approach the bank - a bereavement department - contacting headquarters - for as you say, it seems contradictory and unfair on your mum's friend. Would she help at all? However, pick what you can cope with, sounds as if you have already done a good deal of practical, sensible things.0 -
very sad situation, I am sorry that you have had to go through all this and have to deal with the financial problems too.
Was your mother working at all? would there be any payments from there that would help?0 -
I am so very sorry for your loss, and the stress your family is going through.
You are helping your Dad by trying to take everything in hand, but you must seek help and advice from one of the cancer support charities. You will be given the best support as they understand how these situations affect carers. Your Dad will also be stressed by knowing that you are trying to help him.
Pick up the phone and have a chat with someone today. I'm sure you will be reassured knowing that systems are in place to help those in situations like yours. You can then concentrate on supporting your Dad with the emotional side of things.0 -
Thanks for the replies so far. I!!!8217;ve just got home after my 12 hour night shift so I!!!8217;m about to go to bed, but I will answer some of the things straight away.
My dad does have a Macmillan nurse, so I will approach her for advice. He has always coped with his cancer by going to these appointments and his chemo on his own as he never wanted any of us there, mum included, but now I think I!!!8217;m going to insist on going, even if I sit in the car for several hours, just so he has support.
He!!!8217;s also due to have a cataract operation in May, so I!!!8217;ll need to go with him for that and help him constantly the week following that.
My dad is self employed and is a bit of a workaholic! He enjoys work and it keeps him busy and I think he needs that at the moment. After his chemo he is always fine for 1-2 days and then the 3rd day it really takes it out of him so he can never arrange work on that day.
My mum was registered disabled. She hasn!!!8217;t worked for around 20 years as she!!!8217;s been unable to. She spent about 8 of those years refusing to claim any benefit, but she did claim in the end. I!!!8217;ve just spoken to the DWP and they!!!8217;ve told me about a funeral grant, so if all else fails with the bank, we may qualify for that as my dad gets some tax credits too due to his low and fluctuating income with him being self employed. That may well be our lifeline but can take 8 weeks to process so we will try with the bank initially.
I!!!8217;ve also spoken to the council this morning and he!!!8217;s now going to be getting a discount for being a single person.
My mums friend may as well be family. She has been a part of our life for 30+ years and wasn!!!8217;t expecting any money back. We would love for her to still go on holiday though, perhaps with one of her daughters. She asked me if I wanted my mums place, but I!!!8217;ve been to the place they were going with my mum the last 2 years and it!!!8217;s too much being in the same hotel and holds too many happy memories that just wouldn!!!8217;t be the same without her. Between us we can find £500, and she is in no rush and is happy to write it off, but it!!!8217;s rightfully hers and we want her to have it back. Its just a shame that her half couldn!!!8217;t be refunded directly to her as she paid my mum and my mum paid the balance from her current account. Just one more thing to think about that we could do without.
It!!!8217;s still so raw. We also have to think about a headstone in a few months...we are sorting through her things to see if there!!!8217;s anything we can sell to raise money for that.
I wouldn!!!8217;t wish this on anyone. I know you can never ever prepare to lose a parent, but it just seems so cruel for it to happen this way when she was so young and so happy and had so many plans. It!!!8217;s truly devastated us and I guess doing some practical things keeps us occupied so we don!!!8217;t break down constantly. Not having a cause of death or any answers doesn!!!8217;t help either.0 -
Sorry for your loss.
It is just a thought, but ask the bank to confirm that the loan was not covered by some form of payment protection insurance taken out at the commencement of the loan. If it was, then tell them to repay the loan from that source and release the funeral costs from the account.0 -
Sorry for your loss. OP, and they way you have been treated.
I am another who was convinced that funeral costs took priority over other debts.Member #14 of SKI-ers club
Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.
(Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)0 -
I think that if the funeral home claims the funeral costs, then the bank will have to pay them.
You may be able to negotiate with the funeral home to claim via the bank, and then refund whatever the family paid directly ????0
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