Terrified to carry out paternity test

PositivelyPerturbed

Feeling really churned up inside right now. In two weeks time, I'm travelling to see my dad (he usually lives out of the country but will be visiting my sister in Yorkshire). The issue of paternity has been hanging over us all (and haunting us) for years due to our mother being a prolific cheat, liar and generally selfish and vile individual throughout our childhood. She also stopped us having contact with our father and we were dragged through a horrific court case as children where we were poisoned to say we didn't want contact with our father. When we grew up and found him, he admitted that he wasn't even sure that he was our dad. We have a fraught and fractious relationship ever since. My oldest sister won't speak to him and I have only just started speaking to him after 5 years. He has stage 3 cancer so he said if we want a DNA test, it's now or never. I have been desperate to vanquish this childhood demon that has left me feeling rejected, disconsolate and lonely in this world. However, now that it's actually happening, I am absolutely petrified. If he is not my dad, I will never know who is. My mother is a liar and self-preservationist who wouldn't know the truth or decency if it jumped up and bit her. I (and possibly my sisters) would have to live with never knowing our true identities, which hurts more than I can describe.

Mojisola

PositivelyPerturbed wrote: »

He has stage 3 cancer so he said if we want a dna test, it's now or never.

I have even desperate to vanquish this childhood demon that has left me feeling rejected, disconsolate and lonely in this world.

However, now that it's actually happening, I am absolutely petrified. If he is not my dad, I will never know who is.

You don't know who your Dad is now for certain.

Very difficult situation but do you really want to lose this last chance to find the truth?

Ames

Could you have the test done and not look at the results? That way if you change your mind and do want to know you've got that option.

Primrose

It seems that your dad is willing to take a dna test and I imagine that he too is desperately trying to come to terms with everything and wants to die with this issue having been resolved.


Now that you are in contact with him again, it seems to me that you all need to grab the opportunity presented by this very narrow window and go for it. Remember that whatever the results show, he will still be the man in your memory, for better or for worse, but if I were in your shoes, I would take the opportunity instead of spending my life regretting it and never knowing the answer.


I can only say that that for most people who lose parents, whatever their relationships were with them, there are always questions after their death that you wish you had asked. Some will not necessarily be important questions but you may still wish you had the answers to them.


This is a very big question. Don't leave it haunting you for the rest of your life. Make the decision that you will deal with the knowledge one step at a time.


The first step is to know whether this man is your birth father or not. You only have a limited time scale in which to do this so get it done now.


Dealing with the knowledge that this brings is the next step. I think you need to deal with this when you know the answer to Stage 1. Your relationship with your mother and how you deal with it can wait. The issue of your father and DNA cannot.

hazyjo

You really saying you'll feel differently towards him if you share the same blood. Not my definition of a 'father', but then I was adopted and don't know my biological parents. Can assure you though, my 'dad' was always my dad, my 'mum' is most definitely my mum, despite me not sharing their blood, and my sister is nothing but my sister.


You could always try one of those DNA ancestry kit things if he's not your biological father - someone may match.


Really - it shouldn't hurt that much. I reckon your feelings are not as connected as you think to who your biological dad is, more linked to confusion and upset over rejection and love.


Let us know the outcome. If he is your dad, great. You can lose the stress. If not, you'll have different feelings to deal with. But putting up with the feelings and stress you're currently going through are futile.


Go for it - but do try to analyse your emotions a bit more

Red-Squirrel_2

Ames wrote: »

Could you have the test done and not look at the results? That way if you change your mind and do want to know you've got that option.

That sounds like a really good idea.

jackieblack

PositivelyPerturbed wrote: »

I (and possibly my sisters) would have to live with never knowing our true identities, which hurts more than I can describe.

But, to you, would that be better or worse than never knowing?


Would it be better to know one way or the other and then be in a position to process and come to terms with that knowledge, or to spend the rest of your life still wondering with the opportunity to find out no longer a possibility?

welshbookworm

Ames wrote: »

Could you have the test done and not look at the results? That way if you change your mind and do want to know you've got that option.

I agree with this option. I had one chance to find out who my father was and said no. I still regret this over 40 years later.

TBagpuss

My sympathies. It is a difficult and scary situation.

However, I agree that in the long term, you may find it helps to know one way or the other. Either way, you will be able to mourn him, and the relationship you missed out on due to your mum. If you chose not to do the test now,you are likely to be left wondering, and if you leave it until your dad is gone, you won't ever have the chance to talk to him about it or ask any questions you have.

You might find it useful (particularly if it turns out he isn't your biological dad) to check out forums and resources aimed at adults who were adopted as children, as some of the same issues, of not knowing your biological parentage, will be similar for you.

(I think that you can also chose to use the various online resources such as 23 and me where you can opt in to let yourself be contacted by people who share your DNA, so you might have ways of narrowing down the search for your biological family even without your mum's input, if that is something you and your sister felt interested in doing, if he turns out not to be your father)

best of luck.

Robisere

Definitely go through with the DNA test. As has been said, it will soon be too late to know, one way or another.

But whatever the result, you and your siblings are not the result of just two people. Your genes, just like every other human being, come from hundreds of thousands, maybe millions, of ancestors, going back through parents, grandparents, increasing in numbers as you go back. The genes all change slightly from sibling to sibling, otherwise we would all be identical.

This means that you are an individual human. You are your own special person and no one else is you. Rejoice in that, and if you have children, tell them something that I told my kids and grandkids: each of you is an individual and any choices in life are your own. Don't feel that that you owe the past. or your ancestors, anything. And don't feel that they owe you anything. Your life is yours to make of it what you will. If this is your biological father, that's great: if not, do you think any less of him, knowing that?

PositivelyPerturbed

I will definitely go through with the test - the not knowing has been torture and has caused years of issues. I am very bitter and angry that the paternity issue was not dealt with during the protracted custody battle when we were children though. Why are we continually having to mop up the mess other people have made?!