Co-owned house - causing friction

getmore4less

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

I'm not sure that you co-owning the house has got anything to do with it, has it?

Depending on what the fathers will said they may not co-own anything.

[Deleted User]

Thanks for all the replies so far, I read these threads a lot and am constantly amazed how people can read between the lines and make 2 and 2 add up to 5.

We made an agreement, my mum has had work done on the property before that has damaged it that she has never had rectified, I am very close to my family, despite some of the assumptions being made on here, I see them all regularly.

I personally wouldn't hand over that kind of money to ANYONE without getting alternative quotes, advice and opinions, and then checking credentials, and I doubt any of you would either, but it's easy to stand back and judge. Trust me, if this all goes pear-shaped, she will be the first to be crying down the phone to me that someone has ripped her off, and then she will want my help, I would far rather that it wasn't the case and we had taken a few more precautions at the start.

NeilCr

goochie wrote: »

The agreement was that we would discuss any works of any substantial nature and all be involved in the decision making process. Have we ever offered to pay for work to the house, no, apart from fairly minor stuff it hasn't needed much. And Mum has not asked us to pay for anything, she wishes to pay for it herself.

But, did you offer to pay anything towards any major work in the future?

To be honest I can see why others would think that your mum has a right to be !!!!ed off. You and your sister do seem to be picking away while not contributing. After all, between you, you own 50% of the house but it doesn't appear that you have offered to pick up 50% of the costs. And, it's not really about whether your mum wants to pay - it's about being seen to be willing to chip in.

[Deleted User]

swingaloo wrote: »

from reading I would assume that as your mum has been in the property for 50 years she is probably getting on in years now. She is 71.

Have you or your sister actually sat and talked about what needs doing? Maybe she is the type of lady who is not comfortable with getting workmen to give quotes and takes the easiest option. My sister has, yes, and I have by phone, I am working on a project, long hours and weekends, so have not visited in a couple of weeks.
You say you don't live nearby and your sister only noticed as she was driving by. Driving by to collect my mum from a dentist appointment, she lives around the corner.

I would be very annoyed if I was expected to pay for something and arranged for the work to be done and then found that my daughter had been questioning the workman. There is no expectation, the agreement was a discussion needed to happen prior to any work being carried out, Mum doesn't want us to pay anything

Its your mums home and she has every right to arrange workmen to do a job on it. If the job when finished isn't up to standard and you and your sister are not happy then perhaps you could support your mum by getting the workmen back to rectify the job and being there with her at the time to discuss it. which of course, we would, but it would be far preferable to get it right first time

If my daughters were taking photos and contacting workmen I had arrange I would be furious. Would it not be more reasonable to sit down with her in a non-confrontational way and discuss the way forward. You assume that we haven't done that, which is incorrect, I have not been able to get there, but my sister has been there a couple of times this week.

If your mum was paying a lot of money for work which would add value to the house for your benefit, would you be rushing to chip in or would you just think 'Well she's better off than us'.?

please don't judge people you don't know, you have a very limited amount of information about me, my family and a particular situation. Everything I do is for the benefit of my family, and anyone who actually knows me would attest to that.

[Deleted User]

ska_lover wrote: »

Maybe she feels it is in your (all of your) best interests, she's keeping the house in a good state of repair, out of her own pocket.

But she hasn't, she has paid for work that has damaged the property, hence the agreement that we all discuss any future works, which she ignored.

I can honestly see why your mum is fed up

[Deleted User]

ska_lover wrote: »

But it was inherited upon the death of your father wasn't it - the 25% share? Or did you own the 25% before your dad passed away?


I find your attitude surprising

The house is not the problem, it is the people causing the 'friction'


There is a bit of an underlying feel that all was not rosy even before this, its obviously a while since you have visited as you don't live locally and have only seen pictures of the repairs, and you only found out because your sister 'drove by' - I wonder how many people drive by their elderly parents house without popping in? But can pause to take photos...

No, you are incorrect, we are a very close family, my sister drove by because she lives around the corner and was picking her up, she took photos because due to long working hours I can't get there to see for myself for at least a week. You are trying to make more of this than is the case. My mother is a very fit 71 year old lady, I have two 104 year old grandparents, I consider them elderly and I visit them too in case you were wondering!.

Ames

NeilCr wrote: »

In the OP. First line of Para 7

"Mum is paying for this work so in her eyes we don't have a say......."

Ah, I missed that.

In which case, although it seems silly of the mum to hand over a big contract without getting quotes or second opinions I don't really think the OP has much of a valid complaint.

Perhaps look up the builder on review sites and if there's something of concern show it to mum, but at the end of the day it's her money.

NeilCr

This is what you said in your opening post

"We also agreed that this was her home and she was responsible for its upkeep, general maintenance, wear and tear, decoration, bills etc"

From your mum's point of view that is what she has been doing. And, again from her side, you've decided that, suddenly, you and your sister want to get involved. I can understand why you are concerned. It's a lot of money and it would appear that you had an agreement that this sort of work would be discussed.

But, it hasn't been.

To be honest, I think you need to let this settle down and then try and have another discussion. Personally, in your mother's shoes, as I hinted at earlier if, at this stage, you do want more hands on involvement, I'd appreciate an offer towards the costs. It might sweeten the pill, a bit.

[Deleted User]

I find it funny that most posts refer to whom is paying for the works instead of the fact that an agreement we had has been ignored. That has hurt us a lot and is far more important to me than money and always would be, but I guess that’s just me. I have stated numerous times that my mother chose to and wishes to pay for this work, whether we have offered or not on this occasion or any other over the years is no ones business than ours. Each to their own opinion though so thanks for all who posted.

NeilCr

goochie wrote: »

I find it funny that most posts refer to whom is paying for the works instead of the fact that an agreement we had has been ignored. That has hurt us a lot and is far more important to me than money and always would be, but I guess that!!!8217;s just me. I have stated numerous times that my mother chose to and wishes to pay for this work, whether we have offered or not on this occasion or any other over the years is no ones business than ours. Each to their own opinion though so thanks for all who posted.

I've got to say I am not entirely sure what you want people to say. In your OP it was all about your concern about your mother being ripped off - she was your main worry etc etc. Quote "our only concerns are protecting mum and the family home".

Now you've been hurt a lot by the breaking of the agreement which is not something you've raised as a major issue before.

You, also, criticise people for making assumptions but then say things are none of our business etc so it's hard to be able to offer objective comment.

I'll repeat what I said in my previous post. The only way I can see to move forward about the breaking of the agreement is to have another discussion with your mother.