Help Dire Straits

marliepanda

ohbumstoitall wrote: »

I wrote a response to Flowergirl that I've deleted as I think I reacted pretty badly to it! I read it last night and I just thought....below the belt love.

what does the banner say at the top of the DFW board?
"Pls remember Debt-Free Wannabe's for support and help not judgement"

I empathize with the OP, I can't quite necessarily comprehend what losing a parent to suicide can do to you - I suspect the OP is relatively young and it's obviously had a great impact. Telling someone to "Grow up" really is not on.

I think she probably knows what she has to do but maybe we could not shoot her down like that. Otherwise she's not going to come back to the forum for help.

Unless something has been removed or edited there is nothing on this post that suggests her dad committed suicide, so having a go t another posted for being harsh in that situation isnt fair... there is also nothing to suggest the age of the OP.

ohbumstoitall

marliepanda wrote: »

Unless something has been removed or edited there is nothing on this post that suggests her dad committed suicide, so having a go t another posted for being harsh in that situation isnt fair... there is also nothing to suggest the age of the OP.

"I have struggled really badly with depression since as the way he died was horrific and I had to leave my job (working with suicidal mental patients) because of it."

That was enough of an indication for me

lovesmakeup

ohbumstoitall wrote: »

"I have struggled really badly with depression since as the way he died was horrific and I had to leave my job (working with suicidal mental patients) because of it."

That was enough of an indication for me

Correct.

I'm still here, just a bit wary of being any more honest as I feel like I'm being beaten into the ground. I wasn't saying I WANT to spend £800 a month - I was stating what I have been spending. Being told to grow up had me in tears. I have had no choice to grow up.

I'm not here for sympathy, I am here for guidance but I'm also not here to be subjected to contempt

determined_new_ms

lovesmakeup wrote: »

Correct.

I'm still here, just a bit wary of being any more honest as I feel like I'm being beaten into the ground. I wasn't saying I WANT to spend £800 a month - I was stating what I have been spending. Being told to grow up had me in tears. I have had no choice to grow up.

I'm not here for sympathy, I am here for guidance but I'm also not here to be subjected to contempt

Some people are of the tough love approach to encourage the person seeking help to take drastic action. All comments are meant in the vein of helpfulness though. We often give advice in the way that would be most motivating to us.

Since reading your thread I have today made a record of everything on our meal plan and worked out costings. It's coming to about £3 and there are 3 of us (one is a child but with a health appetite. Would be happy to post if it'll be helpful.

I work ft but over 3 days so am getting in to the habit of batch cooking on non working days. It really is no extra work - or maybe just a smidge - to double up and make one for the freezer.

I've only just returned to working ft in the last month and so am having to try to be more organised with food. I tend to make a batch of soup in the slow cooker to last 3 days with a couple of portions in the freezer. last week I made a big batch of spicy/cheesy bean rice. Again I made a big batch had it for 3 days and froze 2 portions for this week.

Re make up. I've been really trying to work on how I feel about myself over the last year. Feeling dissatisfied with how you look is rarely about appearance. I find now apart from occasionally I just wear a smidge of eyeliner, mascara and a bit of blush and that's enough. Try cutting down on what you wear each day till it gets to the level you are comfortable with.

I read this is Jan and it really was the final straw in accepting myself as I am:

https://www.frugalwoods.com/2015/07/27/less-makeup-more-confidence-my-frugal-beauty-manifesto/

I honestly think when women are wearing lots of make up, it doesn't look natural. why not just be happy with who you are? You are enough and beautiful as you are.

Keep trucking it is a gradual process of scrutinising your spending, and working out the sweet spot for yourself

anna_1977

lovesmakeup wrote: »

Correct.

I'm still here, just a bit wary of being any more honest as I feel like I'm being beaten into the ground. I wasn't saying I WANT to spend £800 a month - I was stating what I have been spending. Being told to grow up had me in tears. I have had no choice to grow up.

I'm not here for sympathy, I am here for guidance but I'm also not here to be subjected to contempt

Hey, sorry to hear you feel you're getting a beating. You clearly have a spending habit. However, you seem to want to curb this.
Do go through makeup and sell it on eBay, sell everything you can for the moment. Use any of that money to pay over debts, even if only a £5 overpayment. It all helps

Please do get in touch with stepchange, they will be able to help you. Your credit file may be screwed for the next 6 years with defaults etc but that's actually a blessing in disguise for you. You don't want to be able to get anymore finance.

Please don't stop posting on here, keep everyone informed of how you are getting on. There really is some great advice on here and people that will help.

warby68

lovesmakeup wrote: »

Correct.

I'm still here, just a bit wary of being any more honest as I feel like I'm being beaten into the ground. I wasn't saying I WANT to spend £800 a month - I was stating what I have been spending. Being told to grow up had me in tears. I have had no choice to grow up.

I'm not here for sympathy, I am here for guidance but I'm also not here to be subjected to contempt

OP, I think its the urgency of your situation that prompted some of the strong posts. When you're only at the very beginning of tackling your overspending habit BUT have already got to the point of not paying priority bills, you don't have much time to take it gently and slowly as the consequences are looming quite quickly for you. What you DO have though is loads of areas where quick improvements are possible.

Unfortunately it may be too late to prevent your remortgage being trickier although you should be OK with your current lender to get something.

Try and read the messages and not infer the tone too much, you're clearly very upset about everything so that won't be easy. I think people can see you 'on the brink' but with plenty of scope to pull back from it and that's what they want to get across.

Be brave, pick a couple of things to tackle today. You will feel so pleased when you take a bit of control

a_silver_lining

Sometimes people post harshly here with new posters. I think it is down to their own anger at themselves, unresolved feelings of guilt at their own past overspending. - edited to add that this isn't a judgement on on others alone, I'm guilty of snapping at a friend once for her lavish overspending and soul searching made me realise it was because she reminded me of where I had been mentally on the past.

You have done brilliantly coming back. Try out some of the tips people have given you and you will find a motivation that works for you. Fur me it is seeing ive sold enough on eBay to repay 20% of my goal amount is motivating x

Mahsroh

OP, your situation is desperate, but not completely beyond repair. You do have a decent income between the two of you and no dependents so there is scope to get yourself out of it, but as others have said you need to make some serious lifestyle choices NOW.

Much of it has already been said, but the pet costs are way too much. Look at the food your feeding your dog(s) because £110 on top of your £50 insurance is a lot of money. Your combined expenses of £862.50 is way to much given your situation and this needs to change. Your other half needs to try and stop smoking - that would be a start! Mobile phone bill extortionate - even for 2 phones. Electricity seems high as does car insurance - all this has already been said though....

The other thing that I don't think has been mentioned yet (apologies if I missed it - I didn't read every reply word for word) is your Sainsbury's credit card. I see you also have a Tesco card with "only" (I use the term lightly) £1800 on it? What's your credit limit? I only ask because I also have a Tesco card and almost on a monthly basis I get a 0% balance transfer offer through the post, so if you can shift some of that Sainsbury's CC debt onto 0% card that would make a good difference to your outgoings in the short term.

Ultimately, your mortgage, secured loans and personal loan that paid for the stamp duty are combined outgoings per month of £1567 with a combined income of £3340 which shouldn't be a particularly bad position in itself, so the reason you are where you are with overdrafts and credit card debts is because of non-essential spending.

enthusiasticsaver

lovesmakeup wrote: »

Correct.

I'm still here, just a bit wary of being any more honest as I feel like I'm being beaten into the ground. I wasn't saying I WANT to spend £800 a month - I was stating what I have been spending. Being told to grow up had me in tears. I have had no choice to grow up.

I'm not here for sympathy, I am here for guidance but I'm also not here to be subjected to contempt

Sorry to hear you have been upset by some of the posts. I think as Warby says it is the urgency of your situation which has prompted some of us to use the tough love approach. Well done for coming back.

You have said you have been spending £800 but I know from the questions I asked some of this was fuel. Can I suggest you try the cold turkey approach for the next month for both you and your OH? Draw out weekly spends in cash and record every spend from cups to coffees and magazines to make up and toiletries. It really focuses the mind on where your money is going.

I hope you are getting some help with your depression or counselling to help you deal with your dads death. Are you receiving any medical help?

Mahsroh

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

You have said you have been spending £800 but I know from the questions I asked some of this was fuel. Can I suggest you try the cold turkey approach for the next month for both you and your OH? Draw out weekly spends in cash and record every spend from cups to coffees and magazines to make up and toiletries. It really focuses the mind on where your money is going.

From my own personal experience I wholeheartedly agree with this. I log everything I spend - even if it's only 35pence for a chocolate bar.... I really does focus the mind and I find myself asking "do I really want to have to log this on my spreadsheet" and it really makes me think twice about whether or not I should spend it!