Divorce Advice

Long story short, I discovered my husband was having an affair with a woman he worked with. We’d been married 33 years and I was devastated , to say the least. I would have done anything to sort it out but he wasn’t willing to and started drinking heavily - every night to the point of getting drunk - and still is. We had to stay together for 7 long months. I was on the couch cos he wouldn’t give the bed up.
Anyway, I moved out with my youngest son who’s just turned 21, in October. I was able to buy a house as my mum had passed the previous December and I had her house to sell. She also left me a nice sum of money.
I’m going to see a solicitor today to start divorce proceedings. My husband wants me to sign over our marital home (no mortgage) to him, saying I’ve already got a house and some money in the bank. He’s in a job with minimum wage, and says if he has to pay a mortgage he’ll never get to see our daughter and grandson again who have recently moved to Australia.
I feel as if he should have thought of all that before he had an affair! It was my house too and I did give him a chance to work things out. One day I think no, hell mend him. The next day I actually feel sorry for him. I only want my half of the house, he can keep his pensions. My children think I should just sign the house over.
Any thoughts?
Sorry it’s so long x


  • Tom99
    Tom99 Posts: 5,371 Forumite
    First Post First Anniversary
    [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]If you add everything up, houses, savings, pension values including your recent inheritance, and then split the lot 50/50 what answer to you get to. Would you have to hand over all of your 50% share in the house to him?

    [/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]You could argue your inheritance should not be taken into account since it was so recent but you did receive it whilst you we still married and living together so you may lose that argument or some of it.

    [/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]If you are going ahead with a quick divorce you cannot really hedge your bets and say “I am not ready to talk about money yet” since you really need to get your financial consent order at the same time as the decree absolute.[/FONT]
  • MissBessie
    Thanks Tom99
    Because we are in Scotland, the inheritance is mine alone.
    I!!!8217;m in more of a moral dilemma. I know what I!!!8217;m entitled to should I forgo it as he will need to take on a mortgage to pay me off, at the age of 53.
    I don!!!8217;t even know why I care tbh
  • Tom99
    Tom99 Posts: 5,371 Forumite
    First Post First Anniversary
    Can you just leave your 50% in the house and not take out the money now. That way you will get your 50% when the house is eventually sold, but your husband does not have to get a mortgage now.

    Its not ideal but it may satisfy your children which is also part of the moral dilemma.
  • onomatopoeia99
    By the way, to divorce for adultery you have to petition within six months of the adultery taking place. You mentioned seven months in the opening post.

    Not an issue if the adultery is continuing, but if the affair ended after you discovered it. it might be. I'm sure the solicitor you are seeing will go through this with you anyway.
    Proud member of the wokerati, though I don't eat tofu.Home is where my books are.Solar PV 5.2kWp system, SE facing, >1% shading, installed March 2019.Mortgage free July 2023
  • MissBessie
    Yes, I was wondering if that would be a solution? However he keeps phoning me to sign the house over. I don!!!8217;t even answer anymore. Thank you, I will ask my solicitor today.
  • MissBessie
    As far as I know, the affair has ended but he wouldn!!!8217;t have admitted to it anyway. As far as I can make out, she ended it once she knew he was free
  • Fireflyaway
    Don't make any quick decisions. It might be tempting just to finish it and have some peace but 30 years is a long time. Don't lose out financially. You have your retirement ahead and did nothing wrong.
    Take proper legal advice. He is probably trying to wiggle out of the house issue hoping you won't be bothered as you already have a place. That's not the point.
    With respect, don't listen to your kids either! They are very young and have no sound financial experience or concept of what a 30 year marriage is or what you need for retirement. Plus they have split loyalty.
  • rach_k
    rach_k Posts: 2,236 Forumite
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Post
    Ignore his whinging. He should have thought of his family before having an affair. Go for whatever you're entitled to have. If he wants to visit your daughter, he can sell his share of the house or get a second job, or wait until they visit him.
  • DigForVictory
    DigForVictory Posts: 11,912 Forumite
    Name Dropper First Anniversary Photogenic First Post
    edited 22 February 2018 at 1:14PM
    Let me check I understand?
    He cheated on you.
    After months of him not taking any restorative steps & getting sozzled & hogging the marital bed, you left.
    As you have a roof over your head, he thinks you should reward his infidelity & low income by allowing him to keep your former joint family home entirely.
    The children agree with him.

    Dear lady, you need a lawyer & earplugs.

    A lawyer to keep as much of the family home as is rightly & properly yours & to fight tooth & nail for every ha'penny.
    Earplugs until your children realise they are supporting behaviour that is shameful. As you very correctly point out "he should have thought of all of that".

    Go write two Wills. One leaving everything to a charity, with a letter saying that since your husband betrayed his vows & apparently has taught your children to think this is reasonable, they get not a tuppence from you. (Pick a large one, with a hearty legal department.)
    Not even the innocent grandchild who is being raised in Australia, as if the daughter is thinking dad is in the right, then I would no longer be certain the grandson is any bloodkin of mine.
    Not the just-turned 21 year old son either, since he's too young to appreciate vows, decency, dignity & appears to think dad should be rewarded whilst cashing in on his maternal grandmother's prudence.

    Also draw up a second Will, leaving all your estate & your mothers home to your family as you might have done had your husband predeceased you.

    Then ask the lawyer to write to the chidlren explaining there are two Wills, and which you have signed he may not reveal, but simply, unless they either shut up or realise that someone is in the wrong and it isn't mum, then the financial support stops. Not a penny whilst you live and not a penny when you eventually die. (You'll need it to pay his fees, after all.)

    The sooner Dad's support is cut off, the sooner he'll come to negotiate, but until then you do not need to hear the infant echoes of his whining.
  • Happier_Me
    As others have said, get legal advice and claim what you are entitled to at least from the value of the house. What is the value of both your pensions? If they are similar or his is of minimal value then I'd consider these alone. If you have a greater pension worth then that would be only the thing that would make me pause and consider my actions in respect of the family home.

    Your children will be torn over this, he's treated you terribly but he's still their dad. Ignore their requests, stating that the divorce process is something for the two of you to resolve and you certainly won't be asking for anything that you are not entitled to.
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