She doesn't want to sell the flat!

sazaccount

SamYusuf said:

...
As the case was assigned to another social services manager, she contacted me and made me aware that the ex was very rude to her and was making demands such as to return our daughter to her custody, and when told that was not going to happen, she then made threats to this manager on the phone saying she will make a formal complaint.

That obviously didn't go down very well with the social services and they just made life even harder for her. Even when the police came to arrest her, she was denying that she stabbed me and claimed that I did it to myself. She was was acting very frantic with the officers and was demanding a lady officer, it didn't take them long to realise who was the troublemaker and they forcefully escorted her out of the property despite me telling them to not arrest her. They told me under no circumstances were they going to leave me and our child with her in the property.
...
And that was not the first time she tried to stab me, a few months back she grabbed the kitchen knife waving it about during an argument, but she never came at me as I was able to talk her out of it and calmed her down.

...

Can I just point out lets flip this around...

A Husband/boyfriend STABS his partner and waving a knife around (on separate occasions), shouting and making threats to social services manager, do you think they would be given unsupervised access to their child, visitation yes but 70%? Why is it ok because she is the mother? 

SamYusuf

sazaccount said:

Can I just point out lets flip this around...

A Husband/boyfriend STABS his partner and waving a knife around (on separate occasions), shouting and making threats to social services manager, do you think they would be given unsupervised access to their child, visitation yes but 70%? Why is it ok because she is the mother? 

Thanks for your contribution. Believe me when I say there's a lot more to this story that I'm unable to share on here for obvious reasons.

We don't need to go to court regarding the custody of our child as we came to an agreement with the social services and then again later in mediation. Of course, it's all just word of mouth, there's nothing to stop her from denying access to my daughter and vice versa, and if that were to happen then legal action would most definitely be required.

One thing I do know for certain is that had I just walked out and there had been no stabbing, no arrest and no social services involvement, then she would not have given me access to my daughter.

I initially had 60/40 custody, but it was extremely difficult to manage as I work 5 days a week, and there were other reasons which I'm unable to share here.

One thing I have learnt during this whole ordeal is how flawed the system really is. I'm certain that had I been the one who stabbed her then the outcome would have been very different. The ex would have pressed charges and I'd most likely end up in prison.

Social services assured me that they are going to make her run through various tests and assessments, but the end result was a GP assessed her and believed her not to be mentally ill.

If good old Hannibal Lecter sat with a GP, I'm sure the GP would have invited him over for dinner. I just don't understand how a GP is qualified enough to carry out a mental health assessment. The social services told me it was definitely a GP.

Anyway she knows going to court to discuss child custody would not work in her favour due to what she has done so she's just playing ball, and besides it helps her too as she works part time, and she knows my family are more capable of looking after my daughter than her family are.

The biggest shocker is her profession, if you knew that then you'd lose complete faith in the whole system.

onwards&upwards

sazaccount said:

SamYusuf said:

...
As the case was assigned to another social services manager, she contacted me and made me aware that the ex was very rude to her and was making demands such as to return our daughter to her custody, and when told that was not going to happen, she then made threats to this manager on the phone saying she will make a formal complaint.

That obviously didn't go down very well with the social services and they just made life even harder for her. Even when the police came to arrest her, she was denying that she stabbed me and claimed that I did it to myself. She was was acting very frantic with the officers and was demanding a lady officer, it didn't take them long to realise who was the troublemaker and they forcefully escorted her out of the property despite me telling them to not arrest her. They told me under no circumstances were they going to leave me and our child with her in the property.
...
And that was not the first time she tried to stab me, a few months back she grabbed the kitchen knife waving it about during an argument, but she never came at me as I was able to talk her out of it and calmed her down.

...

Can I just point out lets flip this around...

A Husband/boyfriend STABS his partner and waving a knife around (on separate occasions), shouting and making threats to social services manager, do you think they would be given unsupervised access to their child, visitation yes but 70%? Why is it ok because she is the mother? 

Ask the dad he’s the one who let that happen. 

ttoli

TonyMMM said:

SamYusuf wrote: »

I don't believe an Islamic marriage is recognised in the UK, unless things have changed recently.

Where did you get married - in the UK or not ? (v important)

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8003741/Judge-rules-estranged-Muslim-wifes-Sharia-marriage-NOT-VALID.html

SamYusuf

Hi ttoli,

Thank you for sharing that link, I was following this case since the beginning of my ordeal as someone had mentioned it at the time, glad to hear of the outcome.

I forgot to mention, when I returned home back in June-ish 2018, a few months thereafter during a day trip out, the ex out of nowhere asked when we were going to have our Islamic marriage registered in the UK. I simply couldn't believe she had the cheek to ask after what she had put me through just a few months back and especially considering that the whole relationship was based on lies.

I put her in her place and said 'never' as the whole relationship was based on lies. I told her that if I had known the truth about her previous Islamic marriage and certain details about her family, then I would never have come near her, let alone start a relationship. She never mentioned it again.

paddyz

Have you tried to get full custody of your daughter ?
Your ex partner sounds like a very dangerous  person to be around  

SamYusuf

paddyz said:

Have you tried to get full custody of your daughter ?
Your ex partner sounds like a very dangerous  person to be around  

Hey Paddyz,

Initially I did when the social services warned me that if I kept speaking up for the ex (whilst I had full custody of my daughter and the ex was being assessed for mental health issues) then they'd remove my daughter even from me. They told me that they wanted to see me take control of the situation and show that I'm capable of looking after my daughter full time.

The manager made me realis that if I didn't fight for my daughter then she could end up being put into someone else's care. The social services assessed me, my family and living arrangements and were very satisfied.

By the end of the assessment (two months later), when they were convinced that she was of sound mind and did not pose a threat to our daughter (basically cleared by the GP), they held a meeting between me and the ex and wanted us to agree to a shared custody plan. At first I declined to hand my daughter back to her care even for a night and only wanted her to have supervised visits, but the social services advised that it would look good in court if I was seen to be reasonable. So I agreed to let her have our daughter for 3 nights only.

Since then we had mediation and due to the stress my daughter was going through being separated from her mother, I agreed to a 70/30 shared custody plan in her favour. I can manage her fine when I'm around, but as I work full time the stress was too much for my daughter to not see both parents. You have to also understand from her perspective to be suddenly removed from her mother for two months with only supervised visits once a week, and also not to see both parents together like she always did was all just a bit too much.

My daughter is still being breastfed at the age of 2 and a half years old which is unheard of and even frowned upon in our culture.

This makes it incredibly stressful for her to be without her mother and although she's ok when she's with me and my family, she's still not her usual self.

There was much discussion about the breastfeeding with the social services and the manager who was in charge of the case was not happy at all that the ex was still breastfeeding our daughter, but in the end they told me that there's nothing they can do about that as they have no say in the matter.

If my daughter was able to live without her mother then believe me when I say there's nothing I would have wanted more in this world, I'd happily sign the property over to the ex just to get rid of her.

An incident took place last night when I went to drop off my daughter to her mother at my flat. We agreed a drop off time, however when I got there the flat was dark with no lights on and windows were open. I then also tried to call the ex, but no response. Not knowing what else to do I took my daughter out of the car and opened the door to our flat, but as soon as I did that the ex was standing on the other side of the door and questioned why I had entered and that I'm not welcome. I explained the situation but she then called the police.

I simply handed my daughter over and then went back to the car where my sister was waiting for me and she witnessed the whole thing.

Later I received a message from the ex to warn me that I'm not to enter the property and if I did then I'd need to get the police to accompany me.

I replied back explaining that I have no intention of entering the property, but if I did then I'm well within my rights to do so as the property is still in my name.

Long story short, I think she tried to do me in and did call the police, but the police must have asked who the flat belongs to, and when she told them it belongs to us both, they probably told her that there's nothing they can do as it's my flat also.

I always have family or a friend accompany me when I drop off my daughter as this woman is Indeed  extremely dangerous and will do whatever she can to stitch me up.

I regret not pressing charges and still staying in the property with my daughter and seeking some sort of restraining order against her.

[Deleted User]

I think you need to get some counselling.  I hear what you say about incidents with your ex, understand they were very difficult to cope with but I think neither of you are behaving perfectly.   

I had my father say I was manic depressive once even though I had been very thoroughly assessed by the Royal Maudsley specialists as having autism (have been depressed at times for good reason given what was going on but never had any mania for an instant lol) not any other mental health issue.  I have also had an ex tell the police I was nuts, when in fact it was him trying to put me at a disadvantage with the police.  Saying someone is mentally ill when you aren't qualified to do so is not acceptable, it IS a control thing.  It seems to me you are both throwing accusations at each other.  To be honest, going in the darkened house with the issues you two have when there was no response to a phone call was never going to be constructive.  You should have called the police not taken action yourself.  This was never going to be a good thing to do.

You need to take a step back, stop throwing accusations around, and look at what is going on within yourself as well as your ex, so you can be a father who only has his daughters best interests at heart.  There is no point at all in accusations when you aren't going to follow them through.  They will only inflame the situation. If your ex is as you say, your daughter needs a calm place from her father.  I honestly have had to do this myself, it is very very hard but you just have to cut off your personal feelings and put your daughter's needs first.  Counselling might help you take a step back and refocus on what you need to do.

Your attitude to suggestions of seeking advice from somewhere like Mankind  are a little telling.  There is also the Mens Advice Line. Sometimes people want to be right fighters rather than be the hero in a bad situation.  You can't control what your ex does, only what you do.  You can learn to not inflame things so they get even worse. I am a little surprised that you express the concerns you have about your ex but then talk about how impossible it is for you to look after your daughter because of the hours you work.  It makes me wonder how seriously you take these concerns and your daughter's needs.  It is possible for both people in a toxic relationship to have issues. I am speaking from experience.

I am not in any way denying that you have been in some awful situations.  Just trying to say there are different ways to handle things and you might need to look at what you can change, which is yourself.

gomer

Just a thought, and not a particularly nice one, but it needs to be asked.
Is she unhinged enough to harm the child to get back at you? We have all seen the tragedies on the news and they usually started with a damaged relationship like this. That would be more of a concern for me than anything & i have to say i would be pursuing full custody. She's already stabbed you and it only takes one fit of rage because she couldn't manipulate you and....

Savvy_Sue

You may not approve of your wife continuing to breastfeed your DD but there is nothing inherently 'wrong' with her doing so. If your DD is OK without breastfeeds when she is with you, then it will naturally stop happening in due course.