Devastated - help please

Ebe_Scrooge

I've never posted on this board before, but don't know where to turn to for help. I've just heard that my brother's wife has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and she's got a matter of months to live. Right out of the blue. She's only 52. What do I do ? I need to phone my brother, but what the hell do I say to him? I can't do anything to help, nothing I can say will make it better. We're both in our late 40's, and live 500 miles away from each other. I can't do or say anything that will change anything, but what do I do ? Sorry, I'm in tears here, probably not making much sense. But can anyone offer any advice ?

lika_86

There's no right or wrong thing to say. The important thing is to reach out and make sure he knows you're there. Even if it's both of you crying down the phone to each other, that's ok.

Do they have kids? Can you offer to take some time off work to visit and look after the kids for a week so they can not deal with that aspect of things for a week? Practically that might be something to offer.

elsien

just be there for him.
There might not be much you can do right now, or on a practical basis given the distance. But don't underestimate the importance of emotional support and him being able to pick up the phone when he needs to. You don't need to do anything right now except to let him know you care.

jackyann

Totally agree with the above. Also:
sit down and think about what you can realistically offer and what might be needed. Then tell him that you will be guided by him and your s-i-l.
Money is often an issue at times like these, and depending on your financial situation and your relationship, it may be helpful to offer to buy something specific, or an interest free loan.
Let your employers know that you may want unexpected time off, and if possible, tell your brother that you are prepared to visit at a moment's notice.
As pancreatic cancer can be so devastating, so rapidly, it may be that your help will be needed after she dies, when there will be sorting out to be done. Your brother may find that love and courage carry him through the next few months, then he may need support later.
And don't underestimate the value of tiny gifts - especially lovely body or hand lotion, lip balm and similar small things.

Ebe_Scrooge

Thank you lika_86. Their kids are all grown-up and independent, so they no longer have that worry. And of course, the kids and their families are dropping everything and rallying around.

And thank you Elsien - your advice is eminently sensible. Sorry, I'm not thinking straight at the moment, it was just such a terrible shock. But I know I can always rely on help on here. Thank you.

Ebe_Scrooge

jackyann , I hate you- you've started me crying again ! But thank you - what you have said makes perfect sense.

I know money will be tight for them - I class myself as "reasonably comfortable", though very far from rich. But of course I will do anything and everything I can to help - though that in itself brings more awkward conversations. But thank you for your advice - I knew I could rely on this forum for help. Hopefully more lucid responses in the morning when it's sunk in and my head has cleared a bit.

Fireflyaway

Im sorry to hear this. You are bound to feel upset, shocked, confused and angry all at once. That's normal and shows you care.
I agree there isn't a correct way to behave or a right thing to say. I have heard many grieving people say how they felt alone because well meaning people didn't say anything. The intention was not to upset but it had the result of leaving that person feeling forgotten.
Do what feels right. It might be having a chat or just listening. It might be nice to create some memories too. Visit and go out for lunch or if she is not well enough, do something together at home.
Let them know they can call or email etc whenever. Even in the middle of the night, they are never alone. I think it will comfort your sister in law knowing her husband has support and love after she passes on as well.

NeilCr

You’ve had some good advice already. There is no right or wrong and, as fireflyaway says, do what you feel is right. But do stay in contact and be available.

And - do think of yourself. It’s a hard blow for you. Have you got a partner, friend, relative you can talk about this to. Perhaps over a cuppa or a glass of wine. You need to make sure you are okay - both for you and your brother.

Good luck. I feel for you.

PeacefulWaters

Be there emotionally however distant you may feel.

Talk to the MacMillan charity, especially around money issues they might have.

Perhaps offer to make that long drive (or flight and car hire) to get up there in a week when there are multiple hospital appointments.

Understand the side effects of the specific medication she's on an perhaps buy a gift to assist with that.

Offer to arrange an online shopping delivery for them occasionally.

Be prepared to listen while they talk about the illness.

Accept that you can't change the outcome you can at least offer an emotional crutch.

Ebe_Scrooge

I just want to say a huge thank-you to all of you. Your advice has been very helpful - and while there's nothing I can do to alter the outcome, I feel slightly less shell-shocked now than I did last night. I will take on board the suggestions you have all made, and just do whatever I can to help. I will be visiting them shortly - I can at least easily and cheaply get a flight, so that's one less thing to worry about. Thanks again - you guys are a real help.

hazyjo

I second speaking with Macmillan. There will be loads of things they're entitled to which they absolutely should make use of. Whether it's carer's allowance, disabled parking, whatever makes their lives easier at this hard time.


Sorry to hear about your sad news. I've lost loads of people to cancer so do know what you're going through (inc my dad). The hardest thing is staying strong. Don't feel awkward with your brother. There's nothing worse than feeling people are avoiding you because they don't know what to say. Let him know you're there if he wants/needs to talk or even just cry with, or if he'd rather you chitchat about 'normal' things. Some want to avoid talking about cancer, others want to share everything, some never face facts and talk of beating it and optimism (that's generally been how those I have lost have spoken of cancer).


Jx