husband in debt denial

debtdenial

Hi, my husband is in denial about our debt. I don't know exactly how much debt we are in as he deals with our finances. Credit cards are in his name but we do have a joint bank account.

I set it all off this morning when I asked him to forego the weekly fry and coffee combo that he gets for £2.50. It then gets into an argument about who spends how much on what, he's really hung up about me and chocolate! (Chocolate is my thing but I buy the big bars as they're economical but I don't have 10 hoarded away!)

I have in the past tried to do a budget using the tools on here but when I have asked him for help filling in sections that he knows about he never gets around to it.

We are trying to cut back on eating out, I'm trying to reduce our food waste and meal plan. We have 4 growing kids so necessities need bought but we are not extravagant with money. We don't smoke, we don't go out, I don't drink, he does a bit…so our outgoings shouldn't be unmanageable but they are :-(

I am a stay at home mum and he is on 60k working 2 days at home (hence me knowing about the fry and coffee) My point being is we have food in our house that needs to be eaten and coffee capsules coming out our ears! Theres no need to eat out.

How can I get us reading from the same page? I don't want us to battle over this but work as a team to tackle it. I think we just pay the minimum and nothing changes. I'd love to save up for a little family holiday next year, to have a goal of some sort but it always turns into a fight over his money and he'll spend it how he wants :-(

Please be gentle :-

katie4

debtdenial wrote: »

Hi, my husband is in denial about our debt. I don't know exactly how much debt we are in as he deals with our finances. Credit cards are in his name but we do have a joint bank account.

I set it all off this morning when I asked him to forego the weekly fry and coffee combo that he gets for £2.50. It then gets into an argument about who spends how much on what, he's really hung up about me and chocolate! (Chocolate is my thing but I buy the big bars as they're economical but I don't have 10 hoarded away!)

I have in the past tried to do a budget using the tools on here but when I have asked him for help filling in sections that he knows about he never gets around to it.

We are trying to cut back on eating out, I'm trying to reduce our food waste and meal plan. We have 4 growing kids so necessities need bought but we are not extravagant with money. We don't smoke, we don't go out, I don't drink, he does a bit…so our outgoings shouldn't be unmanageable but they are :-(

I am a stay at home mum and he is on 60k working 2 days at home (hence me knowing about the fry and coffee) My point being is we have food in our house that needs to be eaten and coffee capsules coming out our ears! Theres no need to eat out.

How can I get us reading from the same page? I don't want us to battle over this but work as a team to tackle it. I think we just pay the minimum and nothing changes. I'd love to save up for a little family holiday next year, to have a goal of some sort but it always turns into a fight over his money and he'll spend it how he wants :-(

Please be gentle :-

Have you checked your credit file? with MSE credit club


It may give you some insight


I set up my husbands as i know his details so i can see total of his/our debts




(*Update..... (FYI, he knows i did this as he asked me to sign him up lol )

enthusiasticsaver

debtdenial wrote: »

I am a stay at home mum and he is on 60k working 2 days at home (hence me knowing about the fry and coffee) My point being is we have food in our house that needs to be eaten and coffee capsules coming out our ears! Theres no need to eat out.

How can I get us reading from the same page? I don't want us to battle over this but work as a team to tackle it. I think we just pay the minimum and nothing changes. I'd love to save up for a little family holiday next year, to have a goal of some sort but it always turns into a fight over his money and he'll spend it how he wants :-(

Please be gentle :-

How old are your children? It appears that he does not see you as a team so I wonder if he is a little resentful you are a SAHM and not bringing in a salary? Have you talked about that as referring to the money coming into the household as "his" money would indicate a certain level of resentment.

NineDeuce

Demand you know or that you are going to stay at your mums....

rexelpink

Hi debt denial.

I'm not really in a place to offer much advise, as I am still paying off my debts. But I was the main earner for a few years as DH was a SAHP. (I actually have the same issue as you but reversed, that he is in debt denial and spending money like its going out of fashion)

I would imagine that if he is earning 60k a year then he probably works in an environment where most of his colleagues are buying small treats like weekly fryups without a second thought. It can be very difficult in that situation not to play 'keeping up with the Jones' - especially if he is in denial about how much you owe.

When we only had 1 wage coming in it took me a long time to realise that tmy 30k salary was the equivalent of earning 15k each and to adjust our spending (hence the debt sliding)
One thing that really helped me was to sit down and work out the cost savings we were making by DH not working: Cost of Nursery, convenience of having a lift to work every day, cost savings only driving one car. The ability to work late when needed and not have to worry about childcare etc.

None of this is excuses by the way, and Im not sure how well I have explained myself, or how much will be relevant for you, I just thought that it might be helpful for you to have some insight into what his thoughts might be, and how I overcame them when in a similar position.

debtdenial

Kids are 9, 7, 5 and 1.5. I plan to start looking for work when my youngest starts school.

Thank you rexelpink he has mentioned the fact he feels stupid for not going out to lunch and spending the money that everyone else does.

enthusiasticsaver

I think rexelpink makes some good points. If you were having to pay childcare for your youngest and wrap around school care for your other three kids the bill would be quite high and possibly more than you would earn. I assume this is why you have opted to be a SAHM for now and I assume your OH is on board with this.

I wonder if your OH is defensive because he is worried about debt and maybe when he is not stressed you could ask him about the things you don't know about like credit card debt. If you have a joint account do the bills go out from there? Is it overdrawn or is it run right down every month? What are your spending patterns - ie is food or fuel paid for by debit or credit card? You have already said that you think you only pay minimums so this would indicate to me there is considerable debt so maybe when you start talking about saving for a holiday he sees this as an additional financial pressure.

Just showing an interest without getting defensive about his lunch or breakfasts out may make him more open to communication. It is difficult for you too when you are not getting the full picture and you need to be. You need to both be on the same page and at the moment you don't appear to be.

lildoonbuggy

I can understand why it would be frustrating to be locked out of your finances, and also think that is what you should be targeting first rather than picking out these small expenses. Being on a £60k salary usually means you carry a lot of responsibility and stress. Financially supporting a family of 5 is even more so challenging. He may feel attacked if you pick on the little pleasures he allows himself, so why not start with the elephant in the room which is your desire for him to be transparent with the household accounts. You want to be involved which is a good thing, but if you start that conversation with his twice weekly breakfasts then he might push harder to keep the finances to himself.

You have a large and young family to look after, so you need to hold together. It sounds like maybe communication altogether is an issue, not just money. I would highly recommend getting some support with opening up communication. It really does wonders in these situations. Coaxing him to do an SOA would also be helpful for both of you, and maybe something you can get involved in.

rexelpink

debtdenial wrote: »

Kids are 9, 7, 5 and 1.5. I plan to start looking for work when my youngest starts school.

Thank you rexelpink he has mentioned the fact he feels stupid for not going out to lunch and spending the money that everyone else does.

Been there. As someone else said (posting on my phone can’t work out how to multi quote) a 60k salary probably means he’s got a fair bit of responsibility at work alongside the pressures of a young family to provide for. Sounds to me like you are both working hard.

You asked for ideas to get you both on the same page...

Communication is definitely key here, and yes, don’t start with fry ups or chocolate.

Could you wait till things are calmer and suggest that you’d like to be more involved with the family finances? If you think he might get defensive (you would need to frame it as you are an adult who wants to be more financially savvy rather then he is not doing a great job iyswim)

Failing that, what about creating a shared financial goal? Maybe it’s to buy a property, or a btl to create some passive income for you both? If that won’t work, what about a once in a lifetime holiday that would require some saving and financial planning on your part? That would at least give you access to the family finances.
I was going to suggest putting together a ‘retire early and be financially independant’ Goal- but I am assuming that you will need to look at something a bit closer than retirement as an incentive given the age of your children :-)

AngiBear

Hi DD,

I don't have many ideas as I am also in debt but its only my own debt so I don't have anyone else to blame except myself.

I think if you and your hubby sat down and wrote all the debts down they might seem more real to him. If you suggested that maybe in the future you wanted to pay these debts off and looked to having a family holiday and something to look forward to but wanted to sort out the debts first.

I can only think that maybe your hubby was a bit annoyed that you queried his treat when he maybe feels that he is the only one working but feels like he is allowed a treat when he does. Just say its not that you don't begrudge him his treat you would just like to start working more closely with the family finances so that you can see what kind of hours/work/pay you will need to do in the future when your youngest goes to school. Its definately team work in a family of 6 and I hope you sort it out.

I allow myself a treat usually on a Friday as my sort of thing as I have worked a long week, even though I have a second job that I also do on a Saturday but as its my full-time work even though I am in debt its still nice to have my treat as it makes up for all the hard work of the week.

indesisiv

I don't see that one fry up a week or a bar of chocolate a week are the issues that you should be starting to argue about here. £2.50 is not going to leave you with a big credit card debt.

If you are in debt then it is unlikely that these things are the problem.

maybe just try sitting down with him without arguing about who does what, to find out what the balances are on the credit cards.

Where do your household bills, mobile phones, sky, utility bills, car costs etc come out of. Start by pulling together that information along with food costs etc to see where you are at as a starting point.