Flo 2.0

Magpie100

There is a lot to unpick in your post below - I hope it helped typing it out. I'm sorry that things were so difficult for you when you were younger - that kind of thing does stay with you, and it is hard to leave it behind.

I don't think your relationship with your OH is at all healthy, but I respect that this is a Moneysaving board and you may not want relationship advice. I actually think that you are dependent rather than independent. You are in a situation where you somehow owe your OH £23000. As you point out, this is a lot of money. You say this was from when he supported you when you were out of work, but unless you were out buying cars, clothes and having expensive trips away without him surely this is mostly made up of rent and bills? And these costs have been, and gone. If he truly loved you I can't help but feel this sum of money would have been 'wiped' from the slate of your relationship. How does he expect you to pay this back? How do you expect to pay it back?

I get the feeling that this money is weighing you down, and you feel immense guilt about it which affects how you behave in the relationship. It sounds like everything is on your OH's terms, and you don't feel you can push back against it because of this huge sum hanging over your head. It is not normal to have someone dictate what is on the television all the time, and the division of labour in your house sounds far from fair.

I just can't see how you can practically pay this monry back, especially given your mental health issues. I am saying this not because I want to upset you, but because the longer this goes on the more entrenched you will find yourself in this relationship. I can't help but feel that a full time job would at least mean you are more in control of your own destiny - you would be earning your OWN money, and would control your own future. At the moment your life is lived at the whims of your OH. I cannot fathom how someone would want to live in mould and damp when as a couple you could afford to move.

I appreciate that there is no easy, obvious solution to the issues you have posted about and I hope I haven't overstepped the mark. But you need to drastically change something in your life. I am not unsympathetic about the MH issues you have posted about, but the longer they go on without support or intervention the more entrenched they will become. Anxiety in social or work settings is not unusual - we all suffer from it to some degree. I do think you really need to push on and get a job and stick with for a while. Full time, part time, it doesn't matter. You can't at this stage afford to have too many ethics, either. I'm not saying you need to go and sell arms or cigarettes, but you are already limited in what you will consider.

I hope I haven't upset you by typing this. It is hard to see a way forward, I know. I believe you can do it, but something inside you has to shift. We will all be here listening and supporting. Best wishes, M100 X

beanielou

I am not sure I think he actually does have your back from what you have said.

Seasidegal58

The more I hear about your trials when you were younger Flo the more I feel for you.

I think Magpie's post is brilliant and really touches on so many of your issues. A lot to mull over there.

beanielou

We will support you all the way.
Take care of you.

Magpie100

How are things, Flo?

Seasidegal58

Yes hope all is ok Flo.

Florence_J

Hello all, I am home from work with a cold today and have a bit of time to come on here.

Magpie100 - thank you for your comment, it was insightful and lovely and considerate and very kind and warm. Thank you.

Thank you everyone else who has commented, such as you SSG and Beanielou.

The 'sort of' arrangement OH and I have in regards to paying back money is we will both save for a house together, but when/if we buy a house together we will pay for it equally and the mortgage equally but I will make 'overpayments' on the mortgage to bring down the debt to the value of my debt to OH, at which point we will then contribute equally.

My OH paid for my bills when I was either not working or under working and couldn't afford them. But he did also pay for my social outings and clothes and other random crap I bought in terms of me running up debt on credit cards when I couldn't afford the payments. He is not completely guilty and I am not completely innocent. Yes, sometimes I do think maybe he could be so kind as to let go of some of the debt since if he didn't help support me then he would not have had a girlfriend living with him, but in other ways I did spend selfishly on myself.

On to other news.

A lot has happened since I last posted. I got the job at the certain discount retailer which may or may not begin with a P and have been working 7 days a week since the 5th of March, with the exception of Easter Sunday (store closed), 2 days of Annual Leave, and today with illness.

As a result of this OH has been making more of an effort with the housework and whilst some tasks like the washing up always seem to be done by me, I can ask him to hoover the whole of the downstairs and he will whilst I am at work.

I have cleared a debt of £70 to my Sister I have owed her since something like 2012/13, I paid back £300 of the £1800 I have to pay back OH by the end of this year, and I bought one of my credit card balances down to under £1000.

As I have paid one of next months CC bills already my debt is now:

Mr L CC = £950
Mr T CC = £2690
OH 2018 Debt = £1500

TOTAL = £5140 (of which CC debt is £3640)

This year has been very slow with paying back debt but now with Job 2 and a pay increase at Job 1 I can finally make head way.

I have over £150 in my savings account, something I haven't had in an extremely long time, but I do need to buy a new laptop soon as mine is 7 years old and takes a very long time to do anything so that may disappear.

In general I am very, very happy.

beanielou

Good news on the debt repayments & the job.
Keep plodding

Magpie100

you are very welcome, Flo. xx Well done on your new job - you sound like you are working hard and earning consistently, which is what i think you need.

i can't type much i'm afraid as wearing a wrist splint as i have tendonitis (i discovered today!) and need to rest my hand. but i wanted to say well done and keep going. i really hope you have turned a corner and you already sound much more confident. xx

Seasidegal58

Congratulations on your job Flo - as Magpie says you sound a lot more happy and positive and well done on the debt clearing and your savings account.

Also glad to hear that OH is helping out at home - makes a difference when you are both working to muck in together.

Keep it up!