Flo 2.0

jvr

Hi Flo,


finally caught up on your old diary and the new! I think you totally underestimate the fact that even with that time off work you haven't got in a worse situation. With OH off we certainly have as I suddenly felt oh what's the point and kept spending.
I'm probably totally out of line but I don't understand the mine and yours attitude of your OH. You live together and I think if you need to move but you cant afford to, your OH would soak up the cost. Sorry if I'm out of line on this.
With regards to mental health someone once said to me that ' good times don't last forever, but neither do bad times' it really helped me when I was struggling to think of it as just a wavey line that would naturally go back up

Seasidegal58

Hi Flo. Hope all is well.
SSG x

Florence_J

jvr wrote: »

Hi Flo,


finally caught up on your old diary and the new! I think you totally underestimate the fact that even with that time off work you haven't got in a worse situation. With OH off we certainly have as I suddenly felt oh what's the point and kept spending.
I'm probably totally out of line but I don't understand the mine and yours attitude of your OH. You live together and I think if you need to move but you cant afford to, your OH would soak up the cost. Sorry if I'm out of line on this.
With regards to mental health someone once said to me that ' good times don't last forever, but neither do bad times' it really helped me when I was struggling to think of it as just a wavey line that would naturally go back up

Seasidegal58 wrote: »

Hi Flo. Hope all is well.
SSG x

Hello both,

JVR - How lovely to have you pop by, I hope you are well, do you have a new diary or still using your old one?

Many people have commented on OH's way of seeing things, usually siding with me whether I expect it or not. OH is generous, it is not a case of he would never spontaneously treat me, or if he buys me a drink whilst out he doesn't demand me to buy one back.

BUT, when it comes to bills, he has always been 'it's 50/50' all the way. When I was once earning significantly lower then him I approached him asking if we could split the bills percentage based on our earnings and he said No.

The fact is I have borrowed over £23000 from him over the years, and he wants it back. That is not an insignificant amount of money.

Ok, so that money has come from him supporting me when I have struggled employment wise, so maybe it seems a bit cruel that he wants it all back, but if I had borrowed that money in one lump sum to buy a house or start a business or something, then it would only be fair I pay him back, right?

The fact remains OH is never going to change his opinion. All bills must be split 50/50, and I must pay him back. That's about all I can say.

The worrying thing is he has implied he would also expect me to pay him back if he supported me when we have children and i'm either a stay at home mum or on low mat pay. That I feel would be unfair.

SSG- Thanks for checking in. I want to assure you and anyone else that my absence over long periods of time is not because I have fallen into a dark hole mentally, it is just that I have been going to the gym a lot and taking care of housework and cooking from scratch and all that takes time. As much as I pine for MSE time, the other things need to come first.

The good news is it is paying off, as since mid January I have lost slightly over 12 pounds. I was 15 stone 12.75 Lbs, now I am 15 St 0.125 lbs. I treat it as if I am doing slimming world in that I have an official weigh in day which is Saturday, and OH is using his graphic designer skills to make me half stone and stone award certificates.

I am still very scared to talk openly about losing weight, as over the last 2 years I have fluctuated up and down by 18 pounds. I go on a health kick and all is going well, and then suddenly life gets in the way and I put it all back on. I feel that is going to happen again.

The reason why I feel that is going to happen again is that because I am only an agency worker where I work, I am on £7.65 an hour, which even full time equals a bit under £1000 a month and I don't have enough to achieve my financial goals.

So I pretty much have to get a part time job at the weekends.

Which scares me as I find normal Monday to Friday full time work taxing enough, and I am only just about getting what I need to get done each week, and I haven't been on here properly for ages.

So I am scared. I guess I should at least try it, but also it is hard finding a 'just' weekend job, and so far I have seen and applied for two I was quite excited about but didn't get a single sniff of a response from. And most weekend jobs are things like catering, which I am not as scared of anymore, but I last worked in catering over 2 years ago so that might not be a good avenue to go down.

I don't want to burn out and lose everything I have worked so hard for, my stability in my mental health, my weight loss, my happiness, my work/life balance.

Joshuaa25

Hello Flo,


Glad you've taken it all on the chin and wanting to sort your debt out glad it's going well any luck finding a part time job?


After reading your thread the one thing that doesn't sit right is your OH probably does sound out of line but from what you say he earns more then you so why doesn't he step up and help you? Surely if he wants paid back his money him taking on more house bills isn't a bad idea. Me & my OH split all the house bills 50/50 and we keep our money separate I make more then her but she's better with money so she treats her self more but if anything in the house needs done I'll always pay for it because the difference in wage. Maybe to be debt free the OH needs to change his mind set?

beanielou

I dont really feel it is my place to comment but I do feel your OH's stance on the money is unfair. Especially if you do have children.

beanielou

So actually I dont think your OH is long suffering.
I think on that on the other hand you are.

jvr

Hi Flo,


Do you do most of the housework/ cooking? I'm just thinking that if you do, you are contributing more time wise and that should have a value... just as if you had children then staying off you are contributing and allowing him to have a career etc. and that has a value which actually you can calculate a monetary value! Maybe its worth a discussion that you are willing to take on a larger chunk of all household jobs allowing him to relax but that it has a calculated value which he either pays to bills or knocks off your debt.
There have been times when I have thought about how getting a weekend job could knock huge amounts off my debt but to be honest I wouldn't cope mentally I'm not sure how anyone does and I would think very carefully about taking on that burden.


I think your doing amazingly well and maybe its time to have a look at what you do in the relationship and place value on it.... as you say your OH is very firm so maybe stand up and be firm on what you feel as well?

Nob0dy

Just come across this thread, and it looks like you are your worst enemy. You are undervaluing yourself and looking at it the wrong way.

I have been depressed myself, most of it was not being able to admit to myself that I was my problem. I would put up excuses for everything and got to a very low point (let's not get into details in public), the world was unfair, I just came out wrong and all those silly thoughts, up to the point when I snapped and I started fixing everything.

The horrible thing about depression is that, in short, you just have to man up and get things done, but when you're in the position it's the last thing you want to hear and it takes time to wrap your head around it. I'll leave it here for now, but if you are so inclined I could delve more into specifics.


Now, talking business, you say you lack confidence and when you see jobs you don't apply as you tell yourself you can't do the job, well, I tell you how I've got mine.


I went through some bad depression when I was living in London in my old job, the job and the city were making me miserable, so I decided that in order to have a positive change I needed a new job, by getting one out of town I would have solved two problems; so I started applying for anything out of town and told myself that I would have taken the first offer that could have got me out of there.

This job offer came by almost a year later I was trying to get into a field for which I was under qualified, believe me when I tell you I've had recruiter laughing in my face, anyway, it was sent by an agency to a mate of mine, but he didn't want to move out of London and knew I was interested, was a bit out of reach but there were bits I could work on, so I got in touch with the recruiter, he saw that I wasn't really up to standard but decided to give it a shot, so I got called for an interview, and it was the only one time I've got a job after being over 2 hours late.

7 years ago did that big winter, was -14 in London, the day of my interview had snowed and the trains were delayed, so I called and told them there was an issue with transports and I would have got there at some point, but wasn't sure when. My train arrived and took me to destinations, due to snow there was no local transport and I had no idea where I was going, so I had to walk, took me almost an hour and a half of walking in the snow, but I found the place.

I had my interview and I was called back a few days later, they were impressed with my sheer will and determination, they had better candidates but nobody wanted it as much as I did. Most people called in and asked to postpone due to snow, I didn't, I walked in the middle of nowhere because that was my opportunity and not even Mother flippin' Nature herself was going to take it from me, and so they offered me a job. Due to me being under qualified they actually went below the salary range they originally offered, couldn't care less, it was a straight double up from my old job.

If you want something, go for it, don't let anyone tell you different, most of all, don't tell yourself you can't, you can do anything you set your mind to.

Seasidegal58

Hi Flo - well done on the weight loss!

Reading these boards over the years it appears that couples have very different methods of sharing the financial responsibilities- there doesn’t seem to be any cookie cutter, one size fits all method. However my feeling would be that the bills worked out in proportion to the salary each of you brings home would be fair. After all you are a couple - not house mates.

The enormous thing that jumped out at me though is your OH’s attitude if you had a child. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a stay at home mother being expected to pay her other half back financially!:eek: What with?! You will be in effect caring and bringing up his and your own child and what jvr wrote makes sense too.

You have said he won’t change his mindset, but I think a big discussion would be necessary before you decide to start a family.

SSG x

Florence_J

Thank you for all your comments, I would do a multi quote but there are a lot as it has been a wee while since I last stopped by, so let me assure you if you have commented, I have read it, and I have appreciated your response.

OH and I had very different upbringings financially. His Father is an Accountant, his mother a Midwife, so well paid jobs. There was never a single second in his life when he could be said to have struggled financially. His parents respected hard work though, so although it wasn't really necessary he was greatly encouraged to get a part time job whilst living at home, which he did.

Me, on the other hand, where do I begin? For the first ten years of my life I lived in a relatively stable house with two parents. I was from a large family. My Dad had 2 teenage daughters from his first marriage, and he and my mum had 4 kids if you include me. My Dad owned a small building and decorating company, my mum was a part time teaching assistant. We lived in a nice area, probably a bit beyond their means, and having 4 kids didn't help. For the first ten years of my life we were a low income family, but survived, and took advantage of good deals. I didn't feel deprived.

Then, long story short, my mum descended into alcoholism, my Dad's business went bankrupt, my parents split, my Dad brought us up, he became unemployed by the time I was 13 and we lived on benefits for about 3-5 years, I can't quite remember when he found work again.

I was the free school dinners, uniform grants from the school kind of kid. I frequently went without birthday or Christmas presents from my Dad, I knew not to expect them.

I have been almost completely financially independent since I was 16 in some ways. I was lucky in that my Grandparents gave each of their grandchildren £3000 when they turned 16, meaning I could pay my deposits for University.

At University I eventually ended up working two part time jobs to make ends meet, and still I felt I had a lot less then everyone else. I was the only person in each house I lived in that wasn't getting any financial support from their parents.

My OH has never struggled for anything financially. Financially I have struggled for every single thing in my life.

I don't want to sound like I am playing the world's tiniest violin for sympathy, but this is an example I think might sum things up.

I have recently bought a dressing gown (with vouchers). It is the only dressing gown I have ever owned in my life.

My OH has always had dressing gowns, in fact he has one in our house, and one at his parents house for when we stay over.

I barely had PJ's growing up. For most of one term in Year 6 (when my mum's drinking was bad) I slept in my school uniform. Dressing gowns were an unnecessary purchase, that would never have been considered at any point in my life. Maybe no one will understand this but dressing gowns were always seen as some sort of 'rich person's item' to me, it's not like you actually need one, but a lot of people have them, or seem to, maybe I just hang out with a lot of dressing gown fans.

Even though OH and I set budgets for Christmas and Birthday's he will always spend more on me though.

To be honest I can handle just about everything he has set money wise, apart from the whole not supporting me if we have children and I am a stay at home mum. Maybe he wasn't being serious about that? I agree with what everyone had said in that that will be discussed heavily before we even consider having children.

In terms of the part time job situation. I have applied and interviewed for a certain retail store, which if I'm honest doesn't really line up with my ethical beliefs (but in general I am against the concept of Fast Fashion across any store), but I am yet to hear back.

It is 8 hours, so 4 sat, 4 sun. I think my limit in terms of jobs would be that sort of hours, I think I could just about cope with that. Or maybe my enthusiasm for being able to pay off my debts by the time I'm 30 would keep me going.

And to go back to what you said (I think) JVR, yes, I definitely do more housework and cooking, especially the washing up, and always have done, and particularly did so when out of work. I think I definitely put his needs ahead of mine, I do the chores so that he can get on with things. Again I once approached him with the idea that this work has a monetary value, but I think you can guess his response.

I don't want to sound like I am brainwashed, but he is a nice guy, I think we just are wildly different when it comes to money.

What does annoy me is he seems incapable of doing anything for himself. I am fiercely independent and do everything for myself (it's for this reason I know I would be a terrible manager as I am incapable of asking anyone for help or delegating tasks) and if I so much as shift on the sofa I get a barrage of 'Can you get me a glass of water?/Can you fetch my laptop charger? Can you turn off the dining room light?' and I'm just like...???? If you need those things doing why haven't you done them yet?

We have some sort of division of tasks in that I do the majority of the cooking during the week and on Sunday's OH cooks the main meal.

I'm not really allowed to watch the shows I like if he doesn't like them when he is around either...

Ok, so it sounds very much like an abusive relationship, but I hope I would know if it truly was.

I don't know what to do really, I have never been this in love with anyone, and I do feel that OH well and truly has my back and will support me through anything, and something I am absolutely sure of is he loves me, but yes, I'll agree, there are a lot of problems in our relationship.

I think the reason why I respect some of OH's financial decisions, is because I suspect if I was in his situation I would be the same...maybe. I don't know. I kinda feel guilty if I have something and someone else doesn't. I talk about wanting to be the richest person in the world so I can give all the money away and save the planet. I would be ashamed of myself if I was well off financially and someone I loved was struggling financially and I didn't help them.

Maybe we are not the same.