Keeping Money and Family Separate

svain

Inheritance is a funny one .... Its the people less affected by inheritance that tend to shout the loudest about not wanting any of it ... its their way of feeling superior (holier than thou syndrome) or just covering their jealousy (imo).

In the real world many parents work all their lives, not to just make their lives comfortable but to provide an inheritance for their children, its their motivation, their goal in life and there is nothing wrong with that. Some families talk about this openly ... others tend to let their parents get on with it. Having vultures circling beforehand though is a very unpleasant look.

On a day to day basis ... most families can communicate or at least recognise when their is a disparity in incomes between members and adjust expectations for costs of getting together accordingly (ie eating at a Beefeater instead of The Ritz etc).

Being in a family doesnt always have to be difficult ... be honest of you cant afford to go to an event etc and make your excuses. There will be other events or suggest an alternative that fits your budget. Never go to an event expecting someone else to pay, unless pre-arranged beforehand.

If someone is taking advantage of your good nature then stop letting them. It doesnt need to be a slanging match. Just be calm and firm with your reasons and move on.

Loans within families are the trickiest imo .... It can be the most destructive if it goes wrong. The only advice i can give in them circumstances is dont loan or be a guarantor on any amount you cant afford to lose. I have lent to my children in the past and apart from the occasional skipped paymet (pre-arranged) it has thankfully always worked out ok.

[Deleted User]

For my family it's difficult to separate the money aspect if my brother's family are to be included. I have never know them to contribute a penny towards family meals out or the one disastrous family holiday we had (the highlight was my brother shouting at me and calling me a selfish !!!!!!!!). They don't have a car either so not only do I end up footing the lion's share of the bill but I'm usually the designated driver too.

Why do I put myself through it? Well each time I tell myself a little lie and say, "it wasn't that bad last time."

AndyBSG

I don't let my family know about my finances so that way they have no grounds to make assumptions on how rich/poor I am.

Likewise, my brother, sister and myself all get treated equally when it comes to presents, family meals, etc.

That said, both my bother and myself earn double what my sister does, are both married to partners who also work full time and are homeowners while our sister is single and renting due to being unable to afford to buy(and showing no sign of that ever changing as she approaches her 40's).

I suspect that when my parents do pass away my sister will want their home as it's right by where she works, is probably her only chance of getting on the property ladder and not really any use to my brother or myself.

Never spoken to my brother about it but I certainly won't be expecting her to pay me anywhere near a third of the market value of the property and doubt he will either.

That said, I do think that is a decision myself and my brother should make... I would probably be upset if my parents just left it all to my sister simply because she was poorer than either of us.

That caveat is the only exception I think any of our family make to each other regarding finances.

If we're clubbing together to buy our parents a present we all expect to put the same money in, all expect to equally foot restaurant bills, spend roughly the same amount on birthday/Christmas presents etc.

Sea_Shell

AndyBSG wrote: »

That said, both my bother and myself earn double what my sister does, are both married to partners who also work full time and are homeowners while our sister is single and renting due to being unable to afford to buy(and showing no sign of that ever changing as she approaches her 40's).

I suspect that when my parents do pass away my sister will want their home as it's right by where she works, is probably her only chance of getting on the property ladder and not really any use to my brother or myself.

Never spoken to my brother about it but I certainly won't be expecting her to pay me anywhere near a third of the market value of the property and doubt he will either.

That said, I do think that is a decision myself and my brother should make... I would probably be upset if my parents just left it all to my sister simply because she was poorer than either of us.

This is what i mean by mixing family and money, that decisions may be made based on who has or hasn't got money. Should that even come into it.

Pollycat

Sea_Shell wrote: »

A bit of both really....just wanted to gauge peoples opinions as to their level of generosity, and where their boundaries are.

An example then.....say your MIL wants to go browsing/shopping, for non-essential household items, but they don't drive (or use the internet), so they ask you to take them, which involves a 60 mile round trip (from your house to theirs, onto the shop they want to visit, and back again) You don't mind doing it once, maybe even twice, but with no offer or the hint of any petrol money (or a Costa coffee) for your trouble, at what point do you say, no sorry!

this isn't finances as such....but it does have a financial element. Like a said, subtle things.

Does this MIL have other children who live closer who drive?
If they do, I'd have said 'no' at the first asking.

If they don't have, does your MIL say 'thank you'?
If she doesn't, I'd say 'no' at the second asking.

But it doesn't matter what I'd do.
What does your husband/wife think?
Do they not drive?

ETA:
Are the places your MAIL wants to 'browse' easily accessible? e.g. in the next town a (say) 30 minute bus ride away?
Or on a Outlet type of place which is harder/impossible to get to if you don't have a car?

How old is the MIL?

What do you class as 'non essential household items'?

Does she go with the intention of buying or just to look?

Tabbytabitha

Sea_Shell wrote: »

A bit of both really....just wanted to gauge peoples opinions as to their level of generosity, and where their boundaries are.

An example then.....say your MIL wants to go browsing/shopping, for non-essential household items, but they don't drive (or use the internet), so they ask you to take them, which involves a 60 mile round trip (from your house to theirs, onto the shop they want to visit, and back again) You don't mind doing it once, maybe even twice, but with no offer or the hint of any petrol money (or a Costa coffee) for your trouble, at what point do you say, no sorry!

this isn't finances as such....but it does have a financial element. Like a said, subtle things.

Although I'd expect to be thanked, I certainly wouldn't dream of taking petrol money for running my MIL round.

thorsoak

Sea_Shell wrote: »

A bit of both really....just wanted to gauge peoples opinions as to their level of generosity, and where their boundaries are.

An example then.....say your MIL wants to go browsing/shopping, for non-essential household items, but they don't drive (or use the internet), so they ask you to take them, which involves a 60 mile round trip (from your house to theirs, onto the shop they want to visit, and back again) You don't mind doing it once, maybe even twice, but with no offer or the hint of any petrol money (or a Costa coffee) for your trouble, at what point do you say, no sorry!

this isn't finances as such....but it does have a financial element. Like a said, subtle things.

Surely that is a case of spending TIME between daughter/mother - do you begrudge that? A round trip of 60 miles would take between one and two gallons of petrol - is that a deal-breaker?

svain

thorsoak wrote: »

Surely that is a case of spending TIME between daughter/mother - do you begrudge that? A round trip of 60 miles would take between one and two gallons of petrol - is that a deal-breaker?

If your driving a tin can maybe. Could be double that in fuel cost alone. Possibly as much £25-£30 per round trip in fuel alone

engineer_amy

My elder brother and I are both accountants, so our parents would frequently discuss money matters with us to ask advice or just to gauge our point of view on their financial decisions. our sister, an admin clerk, often feels out of the loop but does state that she doesn't understand the finer financial or legal implications. The two of us know exactly what is in our parents wills and who gets what, but as everything is to be split equally, it wont be any big surprises or cause upset.


Since my father died this year, I know the balances in my mothers bank accounts, as I help her reconcile them monthly, sort out her budget, and also do all her self employment books. There have been times she has asked me to order something online for her (she doesn't trust online shopping) and I have put it on my card simply for ease, I often "forget" to tell her that she owes me, or if she asks I will tell her we will sort it out later. I suppose its my way of looking after her.


My sister earns significantly less than me and has more financial commitments so less disposable income. She has told me she feels guilty because she cant afford to reciprocate at Christmas and birthdays if I buy her an expensive gift, or spa break. I always say its not the cost of the gift that matters. I would appreciate a handmade scrapbook of photos that didn't cost anymore than the materials to make it, far more than an expensive gift, because it shows a bit of thought and effort put in. I wouldn't want her to get into debt buying me something that she couldn't afford.


I have a fair amount of disposable income. As long as my bills are paid and I have my emergency fund which creeps up a little each month, I have decided to spend my money and enjoy myself. My parents struggled for a number of years while us kids were young, on a tight budget and working multiple jobs. In recent years, they discovered a forgotten investment had become significantly large, and plus a few other factors, they turned out to be quite wealthy. They started making plans for retirement to enjoy it, bought their dream home then my father got cancer and died less than 6 months later....just 2 months shy of his 65th birthday. He never got to enjoy his money so I will enjoy mine. if that means spending it on people (family and friends) who cant reciprocate, so be it. it is the memories of times shared that are treasured, not the amount of money spent.

Fireflyaway

I have a small family. My parents have helped me financially in many ways and I'm very grateful. I plan to do the same with my child once I'm able.
My parents just lent me money to buy a car. The fact they trust me to repay it makes me feel so happy!
On the other side we have an in-law who I don't trust one bit. He basically stole some of my husbands inheritance. He doesn't know we know. Wasn't a huge sum but its the fact he was deceitful.
So to sum up I think it depends on the level of trust.