Absent mother.

LilacLillie

My grandson was 11 yesterday, we (him, his dad and me), had a great day. Cinema, meal then let loose in Smyth's toy shop to choose a present from me.
My son called me at midnight to say GS had gone to bed at 9pm, then came out crying & did so for over an hour.
He hasn't cried since he was a baby, which was a great concern to us, even when hurt he would put his hand over his mouth to stop himself.
He said his mum wouldn't let him cry. This is about the 5th time in the last 3 mths he has had a little meltdown.
Its all over the fact his mum won't contact him
He has lived with my son for 6 years now, in the early days she would come irregularly and occasionally answer the phone to him.
She always let him down. When he lived with her he was neglected, under nourished, dirty and left with unknown people. Social services were a nightmare and caused much harm.
They advised her to move away from us in London, she went up north. My son continued to visit every week, we watched our GS deteriorate.
He was so unhappy and never wanted to go back, he said things happened.
I wrote to his mother a heartfelt letter, pleading for her to let his dad have him. She said I was mad.
A few weeks later, out of the blue she said my son could take him. He took her to solicitor and had him signed over.
Our GS has had some sessions with CAMS but has never spoken about his time 'up north' but says his mums bf was bad to him.
She now lives with someone that has a child and is playing mum to her.
The year before last when she had little contact we asked her to at least call him every now and again, she did for a few weeks then stopped.
Even though we reassure him constantly he thinks its his fault she doesn't bother with him.
My son asked her to call and tell him none of this was his fault, after a week she did (she forgot and had to be reminded), promised to call and never did.
She won't answer her phone to us anymore, we were not rude to her and always accommodated her in seeing him.
She hasn't seen him for over a year now and he has started to have these little meltdowns. We feel helpless.
He is a lovely boy, she is missing out big time. He's happy normally and says he doesn't want to live with her or have overnight stays but he'd like to phone her.
I think yesterday being his birthday hit home, Xmas he was OK.
I think the best thing she done for him was handing him to our son, the worse forgetting to keep contact.
What can we do to help this little one? What do you say to a child in this position? Does anyone have experience in similar circumstances that can offer any advice please, we are getting desperate.
Sorry this is long but trying to give an idea of our perspective

lika_86

It sounds to me like part of the problem is that your grandson is being strung along and that this isn't helped by the fact that your and your son keep asking her to keep in contact seemingly against her will. The wound keeps being opened and never has a chance to heal.

If it was me I would focus on your grandson and getting him the mental health support he needs for whatever happened to him without trying to force a relationship that isn't there. I understand your grandson might want contact but it seems to me it's the relationship with a mother he's missing, not necessarily his. Clearly this woman is not a good parent to your grandson and it seems to me she'd be better out of his life than in it. As you say, it's her missing out. Families come in lots of shapes and sizes, focus on your new shape, not the old one.

LilacLillie

What do we tell him? We can't understand why she doesn't bother so how can he?

lika_86

LilacLillie wrote: »

What do we tell him? We can't understand why she doesn't bother so how can he?

You can't give him a reason, sometimes that's how things are and as he grows up he'll hopefully come to realise that much as we might want to, nobody can control the actions of others or force them to do something they don't want to do, nor are we entitled to understand why people do what they do.

pearl123

Just make sure that he knows it's not his fault. Just say she's not capable of being a good mother. Not mature enough/ has issues.

pimento

You sound like a really nice grandmother. Just keep telling him that you all love him and that it isn't his fault.

LilacLillie

That's all we do, he is so loved and precious. I will never bad mouth his mum to him, but behind the scene my words are blue!

robpw2

LilacLillie wrote: »

That's all we do, he is so loved and precious. I will never bad mouth his mum to him, but behind the scene my words are blue!

You just need to say to him that his mother couldnt look after him and thats why she gave him to his dad to take care of and that all of you love him very much .

ska_lover

Unfortunately you cannot protect him from this and it seems you are trying by keep trying contact with his mother.


My thoughts would be to let her go, let him grieve her and hopefully at some point he will begin to surface a little. Poor little lad


My heart bleeds for you it sure does

gettingtheresometime

I assume he knows about his half sister so he has that constant knowledge that his mum rejected him but can look after his half-sister which must be hard for the poor lad.


I'd agree that I'd stop trying to encourage contact (which must be reinforcing the feeling of rejection).


Why not get him a book that would fit a lockable container and get him to write his feelings in it? That way he could write down how he feels on needs basis and when he's finished he locks it in the container & only he has the key to it. If he ever gets to the point then he wants to share it then he can but he's the one in control of that situation.


Also depending if you could afford it, have you thought about him seeing a private counsellor who is trained in dealing with children?

Seanymph

I worked hard at never bad mouthing my kids father - to the point that I now know they saw me as 'sticking up for him' and, in reality, dismissing and devaluing their feelings.

Whilst it's a fine line, once I started agreeing with them in their teenage years 'yes, I agree, he's being an !!!!, what can we do? The guys always been an !!!!, continues to be an !!!!, but, he's your Dad, I picked him, and let's face it, you are beautiful - it's not about you, it's about who he is, he doesn't treat anyone else any better'.

THEN they felt supported, because i was validating their feelings.

So, by all means don't lead the trashing of this woman - but be careful if you are going too far into not 'bad mouthing' her.

There is a line about 'I can't help you, I see her hurt you, I don't like that behaviour either - it's a wicked thing to do - she isn't a wicked person, I chose to have you with her, but she is not doing the right thing.'.

Don't let your defence of her lead to disrespecting his pain.

I've explained that really badly - sorry - but allow him to grieve her, keep her away from him, and be honest about what is hurting him.