2018 Benbenandme's Next Battle

beanielou

Sorry that you are not at your best.
Take care.

TallGirl

Sorry to hear you’re feeling low hope the chat helps. Maybe give yourself a bit of a break with the money your brother is happy to wait if I remember and take a bit of a breather to live life a bit. I can only imagine how hard it must be with a SEN child that’s why he’s so lucky to have such an amazing mum. Hugs from here and love can be found after a disasterous Ex I can vouch for that :happyhear:happyhear

gran3

Sorry to hear that you are so down. Have you explained to DS how bad he can make you feel, if not intentionally? Give yourself a break. Your brother is relaxed about paying him back and while I can understand you want it gone , have a little chill period. The weather just now is dragging everyone down, sleep when you can, in a few weeks the days will be brighter. Can DS other parent not step up a bit, probably stupid question, but you seem to take all the strain. Its not like you so maybe a chat with the Docs is in order? Take some time and money out for yourself.

benbenandme

Thanks all I called my mate but she wasn't in So rather than come back to the laptop I went to the kitchen and emptied all the top cupboards out, whacked on some loud music and then had to clean the cupboards before it could all be sorted and put back. At least now I feel I've achieved something

I know I'm having a pity party tonight, not sure why it's hit me tonight, maybe all the damn Valentines stuff everywhere you look - I never bothered with it when I was in a relationship but it just seems to highlight I'm alone right now. Don't get me wrong, I love being single 99% of the time, but every now and then I feel like life is happening around me and I'm just whiling away the days until my times done. I know that seems melodramatic but that's how I feel

Anyway, I now have 3 sparkly cupboards, a sparkly microwave and sparkly tiles again

I have spoken to ds, in fact he came down to see me a while ago and I told him exactly how I was feeling. I think he was quite surprised, I think he sees me as always there as his emotional crutch when he's feeling low or angry, and he isn't used to seeing me like that. He did sort out his own pancake for dessert so it must have gone in as he normally would just wait for me to do it

There is absolutely zero chance of his other parent stepping in unfortunately - he thinks he's Dad of the year because he sees ds for 24 hours twice a month :cool: :cool: The less said about him the better

My brother would be fine if I didn't pay any of the money back yet, he genuinely wouldn't mind if I never paid it back, I know that, but I could never do that. I did sit down and work out the finances and decided on £6000 this year towards his money as in about 18 months my child benefit / tax credits / maintanence payments will stop if ds does an apprenticeship and my finances will be even worse than now, in fact I will need to get a second job I think but I'll worry about that nearer the time, so the quicker I can pay down my brothers money the better it will be for me when we reach that point. But, it is a self-imposed target, my brother certainly isn't pressuring me in any way for any money.

I did say to ds perhaps we shouldn't have booked the cruise, but I need something to look forward to and that certainly helps sometimes to just browse reviews online, makes me excited about the trip.

Maybe we shouldn't have bought the house, but again the flat had hit the ceiling price for the location and hardly increased in value in the ten years I lived there, whereas the house will definitely increase (i.e. in line with other stuff) as this estate always holds its value and the average selling time for properties on this estate is currently 1-2 weeks. I love having the extra space, the garden and conservatory, but it has brought added financial stress. Such is life I suppose.

Tomorrow I'm planning a nice long walk along the beach to blow away the cobwebs, always helps my mood

beanielou

I think it is always difficult when you have to do everything on your own.
Everything is just down to you & that is hard very hard.

benbenandme

And so I've just discovered ds is back in touch with a kid who was excluded from school. He was the start of ds's problems at school, a really negative influence. Ds has stayed away from him for about a year, blocked him on social media etc, and suddenly ds was being funny about shutting his door etc when playing on his xbox - I had my suspicions so asked him outright and to his credit he didn't lie to me. He knows I'm gutted. I literally ran to the toilet to be sick, that's how much I've dreaded this kid re-appearing. Ds was always drawn to him as he was the fun one - he's had a tough life but without being mean really isn't the sort you'd want your child mixing with. How do I make ds realise this (yet again?!). I dread to think what could happen with him on the scene again, like I say he has been permanently excluded from school, smokes weed, has been involved in criminal behaviour etc. Last time he persuaded ds to fritter about £100 from his savings account on utter junk, he bought him a vape, they ordered taxis / pizzas etc to neighbours houses I really didn't need this tonight. I know currently they're just playing a game online, but it won't be long before they want to arrange to meet up. Oh God I don't need this

benbenandme

I know the obvious solution is to take away his xbox, but he'll be in touch with him via his phone too. I really need to have a conversation with him and try to make him realise this is crazy but he won't want to hear that. He's blocked him for ages, I can't believe he's gone back to being friends with him :mad:

Considering my job I should know what to do but in reality I know there is nothing I can do, kids of that age will do what they want to do and it's so hard to guide them, let alone a kid like ds who doesn't listen to anyone or anything :mad:

beanielou

That's not the best news.
Sorry I have no suggestions on how best to deal with it~~sorry.

MeandO

De-lurking BenBen to send hugs your way.

I am a single Mum too and I know the lonelines it can bring. I do have an OH but we don't live together and I have no family or friends nearby to call upon. As you are doing, keeping busy and setting yourself targets really does help, but I think we have to remind ourselves sometimes that 'now' is not the way it will be forever, even though it feels like it sometimes.

As for DS and this bad influence of a friend, would it be worth chatting to him about how much DS has achieved and how far he has come with the new job and how proud you are of him for that. Remind him that he could lose all that, his income, independence and reputation with his emplouyer and all the doors that may open for him if he gets into the wrong crowd and starts becoming influenced by this person again. Aso maybe point out that this person was just using him for money as before and really doesn't value his friendship as friends don't treat each other like that. Point out to him that it will be easier for him to cut ties now whilst they are just x-box 'friends' rather than later down the line. Perhaps suggesting he blocks him so that he doesn't see when he's online?

I'm sure you may have done all of the above, but just thinking, perhaps if you try and make him see it in a different way, he will see it as it is for himself.

As for everything else, you are doing so well and you will continue to do so. You have coped with everything on your own and the way you tackle a challenge head on is an inspiration to others - me for one. In the words of Dory BenBen , keep on swimming. There are better times ahead.
Xx

gran3

This may seem harsh but, turn off broadband, remove phone until DS proves to you he's not in touch with this person. He needs to realise phone etc is a privilege not a right and needs to earn your trust. Does he listen to any of your family members? They need to read him the riot act! Everything goes until he toes the line. Sorry I know its easy for me to say and I know he has SENs but how much of this is that and how much just being a stroppy teenager? Good luck and I know the timing I rubbish while you are feeling low but it is short term pain for long term gain.. Best wishes and pm me if you need an ear. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx