Dilemma

ani*fan

Thanks tobruk. So you also know what this is like? Tricky eh?

The thought of this hanging over me for years to come is horrible. I would feel guilty. Possibly for the rest of my life. (Ok, so I'm being a drama queen, but bear with me!) It needs to get sorted.

Also, I have her bank account details so can force it on her if I have to. Sneaky eh?

ani*fan

Thank you hypno. You're so right. It IS a lovely gesture which is why I feel so bad turning it down.

But maybe one lovely turn deserves another.

I'm going to speak to her about it and explain how much I've appreciated her help and her offer to write off the debt. I'll also explain how important it is to me that I pay it back. She already knows I have an overdraft so I'll ask her if it would be ok for me to pay that off first and that she will have her money by March (all being well).

Then once I'm debtfree I can buy her a big thank you pressie.

How's that for a plan? It's feeling good for me.

Thank you all. :A

In_Search_Of_Me

Ok I'm in a minority clearly but I would just say thank you & feel huge relief! It's obviously something she wants to do for you so let her!
My mum has leant me money in the past which comes out of the estate when she dies but she also knows that it will be me who looks after her when she is old & decrepid!

TOBRUK

ani*fan wrote: »

Thanks tobruk. So you also know what this is like? Tricky eh?

The thought of this hanging over me for years to come is horrible. I would feel guilty. Possibly for the rest of my life. (Ok, so I'm being a drama queen, but bear with me!) It needs to get sorted.

Also, I have her bank account details so can force it on her if I have to. Sneaky eh?

Oh yes I do know - I am also a very independent person, and I keep bringing it up with them from time to time because I really do want to repay them. They have said before that they have helped my brother and sisters in ways in the past, but that doesn't matter to me! I have recently told my mother that I shall be giving her a cheque but she got cross and said she wouldn't accept it and that my father was cross that I had mentioned it. I even said that I would put it into their account (not that I know their number) but she said no and not to be silly and forget it! I have told her that I feel guilty but she just won't budge even when I've told her that I am fine now and that I do have the money.

It is difficult and I can understand how you are feeling. I do though buy something or treat them from time to time which makes me feel better although I get told off!;)

smiler26

JoeHel wrote: »

If it were me I think I would say to my mum that I still wanted to pay her back but if she was sure she didn't need it right now I would pay the bank first (ie the interest bearing debt) then I would start payments to my mum. If she REALLY objected, despite me saying that I really wanted to pay it for my own pride, I think I would start saving hard, then surprise her with something (like a trip away for a special birthday) sometime years in the future that would put a massive smile on her face and I could feel like I'd paid her back that way....

Exactly what I was thinking - I owed my parents a lot, and it makes sense in every way if you pay the bank back first - Do that, and then work something out for maybe next year for your Mum - OR if she's not happy to accept the money, save it up anyway and then buy her something great as soon as you can afford it :cool:

postingalwaysposting

ani*fan wrote: »

Thank you hypno. You're so right. It IS a lovely gesture which is why I feel so bad turning it down.

But maybe one lovely turn deserves another.

I'm going to speak to her about it and explain how much I've appreciated her help and her offer to write off the debt. I'll also explain how important it is to me that I pay it back. She already knows I have an overdraft so I'll ask her if it would be ok for me to pay that off first and that she will have her money by March (all being well).

Then once I'm debtfree I can buy her a big thank you pressie.

How's that for a plan? It's feeling good for me.

Thank you all. :A

Ani i think thats a great idea, but if she still dosnt want this why dont you have two seperate savings or whatever and you can start a little pot of what you owed to your mum once you reach that total ask her again if she wants it. If again she says no keep it and dont touch it then if you/her gets into dificulty its there and it wil be earning intrest in the mean time

Elaine_Wilson

I can't tell you what to do but perhaps I can relate a similar position with my own mother. My brother was killed just before he was 21 so I was left as an only child. Twelve years after that my father died so that left just my mum and me.

I run my own business and, with hindsight, made some decisions which were not the best in a commercial sense. In 1998 I decided I needed to become debt-free and made a detailed plan. I put a lot of effort into this and my dear mum helped by paying for most of my groceries amongst other financial help.

At first I kept track of all this but after having her tell me not to bother repaying the money as she could manage I relented and accepted the help gracefully. As I achieved my goal I made sure she knew that I would fund anything she wanted. I also made sure I was always available to help with any problem she had. I now have savings and she never in fact asked me for any of these.

I think it made her feel more secure knowing that I would provide her with any money she needed. But more important was the fact that I made time to be with her whenever she needed me. That cannot be measured in financial terms. My mum died three years ago today and I know that I would not have the comfortable life I have today had it not been for her help.

So I would suggest you pay off the bank first (before Christmas if possible). Then make sure that she knows that you couldn't have achieved this without her help. Tell her she is something special and put a lot of thought into her Christmas gift. It doesn't have to be expensive but it needs to be something that shows you care. Something home-made, possibly. Then try to find a quiet moment when you can have an intimate conversation. Tell her that you want to repay her as this will enhance your self esteem. Emphasise how much it means to you to have someone like her to rely on if things go wrong.

Good luck. I'm confident you will make the right decision.

taxi73

Hi there what a lovely dilemma...I would pay the bank back first and then save the money in a seperate savings account for your mum and then when you have it all offer to give it her back in a lump sum..if she then doesn't want it I'd leave it accruing interest and if she needed it give it to her..that way you'll be happy and so will mum..