Dilemma

ani*fan

Hi everyone :hello:

I thought i would come and ask your opinion on something that happened today.

My debts are in 2 places just now, my overdraft and my mum. I should be paying off the overdraft first (snowball calculator says so) but moral obligation has me paying my mum. The bank can wait.

Anyway, I made a payment to my mum's account today and she got right on the phone and said 'enough with the money going into my account! I don't need it! Just stop!' I reminded her that I do owe her that money and that maybe she would want to do something nice with it like go on a holiday. She told me she can't be bothered going anywhere and that she already has money to pay for it if she could.

To be clear, the debt to my mum accumulated when I finished my course 2 years ago. I struggled to get a job, then my car broke down, you know how it is. So I've owed her £1,728 for about 2 years. I've already paid her £600 so there's £1,128 to go. And she doesn't seem to want it.

I then had a wobbly about writing off the debt. I'm the youngest of 3 children and have fought long and hard to be taken seriously and not seen as the eternal, irresponsible child (at age 34 this is insane, I know, I know). But I really want to pay her this back to prove that point.

If we did write the debt off, I would then only owe £1,800 to the bank. If I really went for it I could be debt free by Christmas. *gulp*

I don't know what to do. What do you think, wise ones?

p.s. I'm aware that this is quite a pleasant position to be in. I can't figure out why it's stressing me so much.

misspixierocktastic

I think sometimes its hard to pay money to your parents and harder for them to accept the payment back especially if she knows you have other payments to make
I owed my mum some money before and always paid her off first but she needed my money for the rent on our house
Maybe you should approach her and tell her why you want to make the payments to her that its important to you, perhaps you can sort it out that way
good luck

ani*fan

Thanks for that Miss prt.

I think you're right and that talking to her more would help. She is 'comfortable' financially (whatever that means in real terms) but she's certainly not loaded and who couldn't do with some extra money that maybe they weren't expecting?

Think I'll phone her tomorrow.

brummiebabe

It's a very generous offer from your mum...could it be that maybe she's seen how serious you are about clearing any debts and being debt free? Maybe she feels you've realised the error of your ways & that you won't get in the same mess again!! In that situation, I would gratefully accept her offer but promise yourself that you won't let her down! Clear the other debt, become debt free then start building up some savings etc....I'm sure that'd make her so happy......to know that you're sorted!:D

Best of luck x

ani*fan

Brummiebabe...it's so tempting isn't it? That's my whole dilemma...

I now have a financial plan figured out for the next 5 years, long after the debts are gone, that I would NEVER have had without this site and everyone's help. The thought of getting started on that a bit sooner is so exciting. And I have spoken to my mum about that.

But still...I owe her that money.

But maybe it is a lovely gesture that I should accept graciously...

If the bank wanted to write off my overdraft I wouldn't hesitate.

JoeHel

If it were me I think I would say to my mum that I still wanted to pay her back but if she was sure she didn't need it right now I would pay the bank first (ie the interest bearing debt) then I would start payments to my mum. If she REALLY objected, despite me saying that I really wanted to pay it for my own pride, I think I would start saving hard, then surprise her with something (like a trip away for a special birthday) sometime years in the future that would put a massive smile on her face and I could feel like I'd paid her back that way....

ani*fan

Thanks JoeHel

That's a really good idea about surprising her in the future. I'm not too sure how she is with surprise holidays though; she's a bit of a home body. Maybe I just need to get creative with other options for treats for her. I've never ever spent a grand on a gift before. It's be a whole new experience. (Hopefully one I wouldn't enjoy TOO much!:D )

But putting the bank first, if she's ok with that, is definitely sensible.

Please keep the advice coming. You're all fab. :A

duchy

If it was me and my son and I was in a position to not need it back urgently I'd rather he paid the bank off first so I wasn't worrying about him. I'd rather he paid the money back eventually and I think any gifts should be in addition to the loan repayment as a thank you rather than as a part of the repayment.
Your DFD is only March 2008 so you could wait and hand your Mum a lovely pile of cash in four or five months .

TOBRUK

Hi ani*fan, I've been in a similar situation myself where I've had help from my parents (a few years ago) and when going to pay them back they told me that they didn't want the money and would not accept it! I am one of four children (I'm 45 now!) although I am the only one who is single and whenever I bring the fact that they really should let me pay them back they just wouldn't have it and wanted me to forget about it and as much as I would say that I couldn't forget it and that I would feel much better for paying them back they don't want to know! I bring it up from time to time saying that it really does bother me that I would feel much better if I could pay back - nothing doing they've told me they won't accept it.

From what you have said I think I am right that your mother knows of your overdraft that needs paying? I think you could speak to her and say that you really would like to pay her back but if she was alright for now that you should perhaps deal with that first. If she is 'comfortable' remember you are her daughter and it doesn't matter what age you are they do like to know that you are doing ok. Perhaps once you have cleared all your debt you could try bringing it up again. Don't beat yourself up about it if I were you I would get yourself debt free before Christmas - she will be proud of you, and take it from there.
Hope this is of some help.

ani*fan

Thanks, duchy, for a parent's perspective on this. It's really appreciated.

I DO believe in standing on my own two feet (even though I'm sometimes up to my knees in poo!) And indepence, including financially, is really important to me. And maybe my mum just offered to write off the debt because she doesn't actually believe she'll ever get it back.

She really did save my life at the time. And that probably felt good for her to be able to do that. And I'm so grateful. But if I don't pay it back she may think that she can never help again in that way if I really needed help.

I think I see a plan of action forming...

hypno06

What a lovely position to be in, and what a lovely Mum to put you in that position!

Whatever you decide will be the right decision, and you will feel comfortable with it. Go with whatever you are feeling!