Angry, upset, debt

Debtstress

My husband has credit card debt of around £16000 which I had no idea of the amount owed. I’ve been asking him for ages how much he owes. Well last night I lost it and demanded he tell me how much, rates, names of cards. What concerns me is he didn’t actually know of the top of his head so this is a guess.
We have been in debt before and cleared it and now back here. I accept that some I knew about but I’d say about 5000. No way was I expecting 16000. He’s still not being totally honest and tries to avoid talking about it.
I’ve said I want the cards, account details and I will make a plan to start paying this down. His mistake came when he transferred balances from high interest cards to 0% cards. I asked him to close the old accounts down to prevent spending. He said he’d do it but clearly didn’t as they’re all maxed out again.
We we’re planning on a new house in the new year but this is not going to be possible now. His credit score which was perfect has dropped to fair. Mine is perfect.
Seriously I could cry and have felt like kicking him out.
I plan on sitting down, if he’ll do it! Go through incomings, outgoings and priotising spending, debt. If he’s not being totally honest how can I?
Any suggestions?

fatbelly

Get him to join credit club and let you see the Experian report.

All the details you need should be there if this is just credit card debt.

Then do a joint statement of affairs

http://www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php

[Deleted User]

Not everyone reports to Experian, so check Equifax and Call Credit as well to get the full picture, if you suspect some debts may have slipped his mind.

Pixie5740

Why are you making the plan to sort out his debt? He needs to take responsibility and be the one to come up with the plan or he will never learn. I can totally understand your hurt and anger and would be seriously !!!!ed off in your shoes too.

EssexHebridean

Pixie5740 wrote: »

Why are you making the plan to sort out his debt? He needs to take responsibility and be the one to come up with the plan or he will never learn. I can totally understand your hurt and anger and would be seriously !!!!ed off in your shoes too.

Because when you're in a committed partnership like marriage with someone their mistakes can affect you, and often a small amount of help and support can go a long way to helping someone actually sort things out. Stamping your feet and saying "No - YOU do it, it's YOUR problem" isn't always constructive, particularly if the person concerned is too overwhelmed to know where to start. It's not about "doing it for" the person - it's about helping them to do it for themselves, so long as they are willing to accept that help.

Great plan to sit down together and go through everything Debt/Stress - and as others have said your husbands credit reports will be a good place to start. The free options for checking the three main agencies are MSE Credit Club as recommended by Fatbelly - then Clearscore for CallCredit and Noddle for Equifax I believe.

You might also find going through the SOA Calculator that we recommend on here to be helpful as well - the link can be found in my signature. This will make sure you both know the household financial commitments.

Pixie5740

EssexHebridean wrote: »

Because when you're in a committed partnership like marriage with someone their mistakes can affect you, and often a small amount of help and support can go a long way to helping someone actually sort things out. Stamping your feet and saying "No - YOU do it, it's YOUR problem" isn't always constructive, particularly if the person concerned is too overwhelmed to know where to start. It's not about "doing it for" the person - it's about helping them to do it for themselves, so long as they are willing to accept that help.

The OP didn't say that "we will make a plan" she said "I will make a plan." Yes she can support her husband but I don't think absolving him of all responsibility and sorting it all out herself is the way forward.

EssexHebridean

Pixie5740 wrote: »

The OP didn't say that "we will make a plan" she said "I will make a plan." Yes she can support her husband but I don't think absolving him of all responsibility and sorting it all out herself is the way forward.

She also said she wants to sit down with him though. No - you can't have a LBM for someone else, but you can frequently help them on their way to having one of their own, if they are close enough to you! (I speak from personal experience!)

The problem is, as a married couple, chances are that it's HER home he is potentially putting at risk if things really go to the wall - and that's not a risk most people are comfortable with just to make sure someone "learns a lesson" as it were.

BoGoF

What would concern me more is what did he spend the money on in the previously cleared credit cards?


Unless it's gambling or similar then must be something to show for it?

Debtstress

Thanks for your replies. I can account for about 5k but the rest I’m not sure. My first response was anger to kick him out. He says it’s been used for everyday living and not on himself. I have no access to his credit cards or accounts so I will be looking at these.
I am not going to do this on my own. He will have to help. If he doesn’t then I guess I’ll have to. It can’t be left. Monthly payments have been made as far as I’m aware. So it’s a case of working out how it’ll be paid down without him spending again.

nkkingston

If he's using it for everyday living, then it's a family problem, not an individual problem. As well as looking at his debts, you both need to sit down and work out a budget together. A lot of couples overspend trying to keep up with what they think the other person wants, and get stuck in a cycle of "well she always buys premium brand food, so i have to to keep us both happy" / "well he always wears premium brand clothes so I need to shop in the same places " when actually both people would be happy with less, but don't realise it needs saying out loud. Usually it's the lower earner than gets caught out first, but sometimes the higher earner goes overboard trying to be fair.

It will go much easier for both of you if you can get everything out in the open for a while. This means creating a judgement free zone where both of you can share all of your recent transactions. You need to do this so you can build a family budget that works for both of you. Go through both of your bank statements for the past few months and work our where money is going and who is spending on what. Discuss what you feel is a fair way to divide your incomes towards the must haves, like bills and food and mortgages. Are you willing to shoulder more burden so he can pay the cards off quicker? How do you feel about him having fun money while paying the cards down - if he doesn't have it is he likely to crack and start building up the debt again, or is it likely to bring on the LBM quicker for him? Be realistic about your financial values, goals, and habits. Cutting out a starbucks habit can save £30 a week, but it needs to be replaced with something else to stop it creeping back in.

EssexHebridean

Yep - what they ^^^ said!

This is where the SOA comes in incredibly useful - and you both need to know where the problems are.