To buy or not to buy...

jenberry

I am in a bit of a quandary and hoping someone could shed some light. If not, perhaps just getting it out will help. Sorry if I cry...

I am from Glasgow. I currently live near London for the only reason that my boyfriend lives here. He is on a London wage. I am not. I work from home with head office based in Yorkshire so, quite justifiably, my wage matches my colleagues in the North since I have no job-related reason to be in the South! I am finding it very difficult to afford life down South and no real benefit to spending a lot more money on rent since I don't technically need to be here. I had hoped to purchase a house in Scotland this/ next year and have a decent deposit saved. My parents live in Scotland and father is terminally ill so I wanted to be close to them to spend precious last months with my dad and support my mum. Also, at the age of 33, I am sick of renting, being at the mercy of !!!!py landlords and have always wanted a place to call my own. However, somewhat unfortunately, I love my boyfriend and the time we spend together, though it is not much since he gets in from work late and I spend the majority of the day alone, anxious and pondering while trying to work.

Should I be here? Should I be in Scotland? It's a tough call and I feel like I'm being pulled in different directions. I definitely don't want a long-distance relationship (been there, done that etc. I admire those who can do it but it's not for me). I wish someone could make the decision for me.

Much love x

bowlhead99

There is literally no 'right' answer.

If you want to spend time with your Dad for his last months then rent somewhere cheap in Glasgow so you can do that. Either keep the "work from home" job and do it from there, or get a new job in Glasgow (you could afford a short time between jobs anyway as you have a stack of deposit cash built up).

If you don't want to spend time with your Dad (the old man in your life) as much as you want to spend time with the bf (the new man in your life) it's quite simple, stay near London and just visit Glasgow from time to time.

Either way, don't worry about buying when you don't even know where it is you want to live in the short and medium term. What you are getting for your money when renting is the flexibility to move around, which can be very valuable. You don't mention how "terminal" your Dad is. Five days, weeks, months, years? At the longer end of the scale, being able to go round for tea and cake every day is probably something you don't really neeeed to do every week just to feel you have done your duty and spent time with him. It may feel more like a prison sentence. Cherish the good times and try to strike a balance in what you want between all your conflicting objectives rather than what everyone else wants you to do.

Longer term then you have the options of a job in Glasgow, London or somewhere in between, and either a rental property in Glasgow, London or somewhere in between, or a purchased property in Glasgow, London or somewhere in between. Presumably the Glasgow option doesn't suit the boyfriend but it depends on his line of work and what stage of his life he is at when you suggest going there. If you are age 33 now you might have another 70 years to live your life so you don't have to buy that one perfect house right now - you have plenty of years to fit things in.

JoJo1978

It doesn’t sound like you’re ready to buy just yet because you’ve got too many unknowns right now, and pulls on your heart and time in different geographic directions.

You need flexibility and one great area you’ve already got that is in your WFH job. Exploit that and test the water with different living arrangements for a bit. What works best for you first, then your loved ones.

Might sound an odd question but do you really know for sure your BF wouldn’t relocate to be with you or are you assuming he won’t because he’s got a life in London? Granted, some jobs only exist there but not that many. I’m relocating soon and it wasn’t until I really started to look into it I realised how many job options available to me outside the capital.

jenberry

Thank you both for such kind and compassionate responses. You have both hit the nail on the head. I certainly don't want to rush into anything.

With regards to my dad, he is in the late stages of motor neurone disease, whereby he is reliant on a ventilator and needs care round the clock. He was diagnosed 3 years ago and we estimate this will likely be his last Christmas. I know that my boyfriend, who is also from Scotland, does want to relocate eventually, but not anytime soon as he really enjoys his job and where he lives etc. I am just struggling more to find a place to live and work where I am peaceful (at the moment, I literally live in a garden shed). Perhaps the more pertinent thing for me to do just now, is look for a more suitable place to live, even if it means shelling out more cash (I am rapidly learning you get what you pay for). Thank you again for your kind responses. xx

ProDave

I said this on another thread (and got criticised) but here goes.

To me the real issue is you don't particularly want to be with your boyfriend? Do him the grace of telling him that and move on.

jenberry

ProDave wrote: »

I said this on another thread (and got criticised) but here goes.

To me the real issue is you don't particularly want to be with your boyfriend? Do him the grace of telling him that and move on.

There is definitely a kind of anxiety around commiting to someone (anyone) purely based on my past relationships and how they progressed, but I definitely want to be with him. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. I just don't want to be in London/ the South necessarily. I wish you were right and things were as clear cut as that, it would make the situation a whole lot easier, but I love him deeply so it's not so simple.

BucksLady

I'm so sorry to hear about your father - it must be so difficult for you living so far away.
I do understand why you will be feeling torn between being with your partner and father. However, I am wondering why he is unable to help you resolve matters.

Wobblydeb

jenberry wrote: »

I just don't want to be in London/ the South necessarily.

This.

In life follow your own path first. You will meet someone who wants to follow that same path with you. It might be your boyfriend (it sounds like he isn't too enamoured of London either) or it might be someone else.

Is it feasible to live with your parents for a while? Save the rental money and spend this last Christmas at home? You can fly down to visit your boyfriend and enjoy regular weekends together. This isn't going to be a long term long distance relationship, but maybe something you do for a while.

xsor

I think you need to speak to your bf about this, tell him your concerns, tell him what you want to do and find out what he wants to do.

If he doesn't want to compromise.. then you have to decide yourself whether you want to go north or south.

But like many said, just visit each other on weekends, though I don't agree that you should be always visiting your bf all the time - should be a joint effort.

NineDeuce

Mull it over a weekend to Ibiza with yer mates.....

jenberry

BucksLady wrote: »

I'm so sorry to hear about your father - it must be so difficult for you living so far away.
I do understand why you will be feeling torn between being with your partner and father. However, I am wondering why he is unable to help you resolve matters.

Thank you BucksLady. I'm not really sure if/ what my partner is able to do to help with this situation. He loves his job down here and isn't ready to give it up. Although he is from Scotland, he doesn't feel the same 'pull' that I do because of my family situation. I guess this is something I have to figure out on my own xx