Finances When Moving In

HappyHandsMM

Hi all,

Looking for some advice here on splitting of finances when moving in together.

My partner is moving in with me as an interim measure to getting a place together. The idea is that living with me will enable her to save some money so we will have money for moving costs and rental deposit on a new place. I earn double the amount she does. She could earn more, but chooses to do the job she does as she enjoys it more than the alternatives. I'm not particularly happy in my work, but it pays my bills and the money is good.

I said she could move in with me and just pay increased costs (council tax, and if the bills go up) as well as splitting the food bill. As I have some debt, it was agree that we would each keep £x as 'pocket money' for the month and the rest of mine (after all rent and bills) would go on paying off my debt so that we would be in a better position financially if later down the road we decide to buy. She agreed any excess she has would be saved, as per the original agreement.

However, she has now said that rather than saving the money, she will use it first to pay off her debts and then start to save after that. Whilst I see her point, I can't help but feel I'm getting a raw deal out of this now. I'm effectively letting her live with me for free with 0 benefits other than having her with me (which obviously IS a massive benefit... We are in love after all.)

Long term, she says she wants the plan to be that once my debts are paid off I continue to put that money aside as savings for a deposit to buy, holidays etc. The amount I save is likely to be double the amount she does. As an interim step, we are likely to move to a bigger rental and she has said at that point she'll pay the difference in rent between my current and the new place, meaning she likely won't be saving at all at that point.

What are your thoughts? Am I being unreasonable for feeling like this is a little unfair? If I mention it, generally she will get upset and tell me that it's not her fault she earns less than me and that I make her feel inferior etc etc.

Thanks,

HappyHandsMM

marliepanda

Why is it okay for you to use excess to pay debts and not her?

If you earn double what she does, can she afford to go halves with you on your bills? If not, then its a non starter.

Surely you both not being in debt will help your financial future. You need to decide if youre going to be in this together, or not...

HappyHandsMM

marliepanda wrote: »

Why is it okay for you to use excess to pay debts and not her?

If you earn double what she does, can she afford to go halves with you on your bills? If not, then its a non starter.

Surely you both not being in debt will help your financial future. You need to decide if youre going to be in this together, or not...

Because I'm paying ALL of the rent and the bills at the moment.

For her to save/pay off the debt is no sacrifice as she was paying that amount in rent in her old place anyway. But for me to do that and provide a roof over our heads is taking a lot of sacrifice.

Helen2k8

I think you need to work out if you want to split 50/50 or proportionally according to income. the get some figures down on paper, including various interest rates etc. E.g. it makes sense for her to pay off debts before savings most of the time.

I'm not sure what the "raw deal" is that you feel you're getting - the way she spends that part of her income doesn't directly impact you from what I'm understanding?

HappyHandsMM

Helen2k8 wrote: »

I think you need to work out if you want to split 50/50 or proportionally according to income. the get some figures down on paper, including various interest rates etc. E.g. it makes sense for her to pay off debts before savings most of the time.

I'm not sure what the "raw deal" is that you feel you're getting - the way she spends that part of her income doesn't directly impact you from what I'm understanding?

I think you're missing the point. I am not asking her to pay any of the bills or rent at all right now.

But that was on the understanding that the excess money she has would go into JOINT savings. That's now not the case and she's using it all to pay off debts. So I'm paying for everything and she is paying for nothing.

Helen2k8

OK, but if you're in this together for the long haul, isn't it better to not pay interest on debts?
I'm looking at this from a numbers point of view rather than a "someone changed their mind and that's not fair" point of view.
Is it a sum of money taht could be split so that some goes in to joint savings as a commitment to you, and some goes to paying off debt?

marliepanda

HappyHandsMM wrote: »

I think you're missing the point. I am not asking her to pay any of the bills or rent at all right now.

But that was on the understanding that the excess money she has would go into JOINT savings. That's now not the case and she's using it all to pay off debts. So I'm paying for everything and she is paying for nothing.

But eventually you'll end up with no debt between you, and you can start saving together?

Do you not see how overall it sorta ends up the same...

Unless youre planning to run off with these joint savings, it won't really make a difference in the long run.

gettingtheresometime

I think it all depends on how long you've been together and what the long game plan is.


If you've known each other for years then my view would be different to if this is a relatively new relationship.


Also I'd have to factor in how much you believe that she is as committed to you & the relationship as well as whether you feel you can trust her to pay off her debts/not to incur new ones/ save for your joint future

takman

HappyHandsMM wrote: »

What are your thoughts? Am I being unreasonable for feeling like this is a little unfair? If I mention it, generally she will get upset and tell me that it's not her fault she earns less than me and that I make her feel inferior etc etc.

You really do need to sit down and discuss things like adults especially if your planning on staying together for the long term.

HappyHandsMM wrote: »

Because I'm paying ALL of the rent and the bills at the moment.

For her to save/pay off the debt is no sacrifice as she was paying that amount in rent in her old place anyway. But for me to do that and provide a roof over our heads is taking a lot of sacrifice.

It doesn't really sound like your serious about the relationship. Currently you are paying all the rent and bills and living by yourself. If she moves in and pays any extra costs then you will be no worse off but will be helping her pay off her debt which is better for both of you in the future.

If you only want her to move in so that you benefit from it financially immediately then you need to question how serious you are about this relationship.

Soundgirlrocks

HappyHandsMM wrote: »

She could earn more, but chooses to do the job she does as she enjoys it more than the alternatives. I'm not particularly happy in my work, but it pays my bills and the money is good.

The issue here is does she earn sufficient to support herself independently? If so then then anything extra is a nice bonus, if however she is reliant on being subsidised by others then yes I would be annoyed.

HappyHandsMM wrote: »

I said she could move in with me and just pay increased costs (council tax, and if the bills go up) as well as splitting the food bill. As I have some debt, it was agree that we would each keep £x as 'pocket money' for the month and the rest of mine (after all rent and bills) would go on paying off my debt so that we would be in a better position financially if later down the road we decide to buy. She agreed any excess she has would be saved, as per the original agreement.

I think it would be reasonable to expect her to pay something toward her living costs (roof over her head etc)

HappyHandsMM wrote: »

Am I being unreasonable for feeling like this is a little unfair? If I mention it, generally she will get upset and tell me that it's not her fault she earns less than me and that I make her feel inferior etc etc

The subject of pay is a difficult one. I have friends that are artists, they earn a lot less than they could doing a more regular job, however they cut their cloth to fit, and take on a second job if needed. Ultimately no one should expect to be carried, but remember there is a still a pay gap between men and women, and different people have different ideas about work / life balance. Ive had friend who's husband complain that they didn't earn enough, and had to subsidise my friend on holiday but instead they take holidays to suit his time table (at the most expensive time of year) as he earned more.

For me it comes down to how much of a team you feel, how you want to pull together and how you want your future to be. Paying debts off however should come before saving IMHO.

Jenniefour

What I'm not understanding is why paying off all the debts is not first priority - surely you will both be in much better position to save when the debts are paid. OK, so she's changed her mind about what to do with the rest of her earnings - is that really such a big deal?

Maybe you didn't think through carefully enough about what you're expecting when she moves in - it seems you were fine with the agreement about what she would pay until this came up. That perhaps tells you that you need to work out and agree a different arrangement together.