Renovate or Move? Quite complicated!

MrBrindle

Hi, sorry if this is in the wrong section. And apologies for the length!

Just looking for some advice and if people have been in similar positions.

We bought our current home 2 years ago this christmas, and spent months doing it up, rewiring, new radiators and boilers, carpets, and painted throughout. A third of the garden was also re landscaped, with a few grand spent out there as well. It's a lovely big 1930's 4 bedroom semi-detached house with a big garden.

The main downfalls of the house are; no kitchen diner (which we really wanted, kitchen is very small), the garden is overlooked in every direction and is a lot to manage, only off street parking for one car (I had my window smashed a few months ago parking on the road).

Unfortunately, for the past year, my partner, a stay at home mum to our 2 children hasn't been completely happy in the house and doesn't feel like it's 'home'. She has suffered from post natal depression and anxiety, and has been wondering a while if the house is a contributing factor to that or not. She has received counselling and is doing bit better now. Another important factor is that my mother law, who helped us financially (quite a lot) to buy the house, wanted a say in buying the house as it was 'her money'. This has created some resentment. This house was also never going to be a 'forever house', and was more of a 'it ticks a lot of boxes' house.

We've had quotes to knock through and make a kitchen diner space. However it's a chimney breast wall and we've had quotes in the area of £5000-£8000 just for knocking through, plus the expenses of building control, engineer etc. There are a few other jobs need doing such as partial re felting, and fixing some damp problems with the chimney.

The question for us at the moment is do we stay, and spend around £15,000, with the hope my partner feels better about the house, or do we look at moving? A few EA's have advised creating a kitchen diner won't add value to the house.

My mother in law has taken the idea of us moving badly! She feels my partner should seek more help first for her anxiety and depression and that the house is 'fine'. My partner wants to move, but now is just a bit unsure she's doing the right thing in selling the house.

Anybody been in similar situations where they couldn't decide whether to renovate or move?

The general consensus between us both is that if we really loved this house and wanted to be here for a long time we'd knock through and renovate.

Thanks

-taff

You've got different problems you're mixing into one.

Your wifes depression may or may not change if you buy another house.

Does your MIL own any part of the house or is it yours entirely? If it yours, you can do what you like with it, albeit creating a strain on relations, but it's your house, your life. If you aren't happy, change it.

Doozergirl

Your mother in law is pretty correct. This isn't about the house and your wife really does need to feel better. Moving house is one of the most stressful things you can do and it absolutely not going to fix your wife. In the short term it could make things worse, giving her even more to worry about.

Happiness comes from within. There is a relatively similar thread on the board at the moment. I told some of my story on it. I was fixated on houses being my problem.

Having a kitchen diner is a nice thing but it doesn't give you happiness, it won't make life better.

Most of us are in a position where "I'll be happy when I... (fill in the gap)" only to discover that when we get what we think we want, we might feel better for a bit but we then it doesn't complete the jigsaw in quite the way we thought. We're constantly looking for something on the outside to give us what we're craving. Ultimately, it isn't a room that we're craving, it's a feeling. Those feelings only come temporarily from outside objects; the desire will always move to something else.

If the things we desperately wanted made us feel great then no one would ever have to suffer the desperation of post-natal depression when they have a precious, tiny child. It would be the cure of all cures. There would certainly not be a question mark over whether the lack of a table in the kitchen is part of the problem.

It's like a script that plays out in the head, a tiny voice. We're taught by society that putting ticks next to the those big things is the road to completeness. But it isn't, because people lie about their own happiness levels and those suffering feel alone.

Help your wife. But understand that the house is not a magic button to be pressed. She can probably do without the stress of either option at this very moment in time and needs to concentrate on getting better and feeling good without needing a reason for it and not believing that part of the problem is an object or a thing.

Doozergirl

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5710635

There's the other thread.

Mine is post 49. There are other experiences too that sound similar to your wife's.

By the way, one of the suggestions is going on holiday is a really bad idea as a guage of how happy you are generally. I don't know anyone who feels amazing in the first days back after a holiday!

In Robert Dilts' Logical Levels, "environment", right at the bottom, is the very first thing we want to change to be happy - Different house, different job, get away on holiday. It's "Identity" right at the top that is where the key to happiness lies. We think our identities are fixed, but actually they aren't. It's all labels.

ReadingTim

Your mother in law is right: you wife needs to see a doctor not an estate agent or a builder - her problems are where she's at mentally, not where she's at physically.

This is the priority, not moving or renovating.

MrBrindle

Thanks for the replies all.

@Doozergirl. Your post on the other thread resonates a lot with our current situation, and thanks for all the advice.

I guess the only thing that I can throwback at that is that our current house wasn't 'our choice'. My mother in law stated clearly that she wanted a say in where we lived. We viewed 3 more rural properties, which is what we wanted, and she refused to help us buy those houses and would only help us if she thought the house was right. We moved in with her after selling our first house, and within the first week she was pushing us to move and buy something as soon we could. The house was probably a rush decision. It hasn't helped that the whole thing has created a lot of resentment towards the house, and difficult to overturn at times.

I completely agree that my partners mental health is paramount above everything here. But I cannot help think that living in a house which she didn't exactly want has been a bit detrimental.

Doozergirl

It might be, but there's two ways of looking at everything.

Mother In Law has helped you on the property ladder. You have something that you wouldn't have otherwise. You could choose to feel gratitude for having what you do have. My own way of thinking now is very much about what I do have, not what I don't. Your house sounds just like my house too!

Now, it's a wee bit odd that Mother In Law demanded a say in what house and perhaps that could be an issue in itself in their relationship?

The resentment is misguided if it's towards the house. The house did nothing. The house can be forgiven! What about mother in law? Is she controlling?

MrBrindle

Yes of course. That's also why we're so anxious of moving because it's a kick in the teeth for her, and we don't want to come across as being ungrateful, and upset the relationship.

Unfortunately, she is very, very controlling. But despite all that, my partner still relies heavily on her advice, help and input. So it's a bit complicated really!

And yeah you're right that resenting the house itself might be misguided, and blaming an object for your problems may seem daft!

I'm not too sure where we go from here tbh. An idea at the moment is to put the house on the market anyway, and for my partner to go to counselling (which she started on the weekend), see what's about and then see if things improve. If they do, we can either just not accept any offers or try and terminate the contract with little cost with the estate agents.

And the other issue at the moment is that a house has come back on that we initially wanted to buy! Fate?! However it would mean stretching a bit more financially.

Cakeguts

Can you afford to buy another house that your mother in law doesn't help you buy? In other words sell that one and give her the money back. That would get rid of one level of stress.

Rosieandjim

Parents who have conditions attached to the money they give their children are a no no.


It is interesting that you say your MIL is controlling as that answers why your wife is feeling the way she is. Look up controlling parents and you will see the devastation it can cause the child who ends up not being able to make decisions for themselves + anxious, low self esteem etc.


I would rather live in a tiny property purchased with my own money than have some one tell me what/where I can live.

Doozergirl

Great that she's starting counselling. I can guarantee that the house won't be talked about very much. I imagine that the stress of being a new mum, beating herself up about why she doesn't feel amazing at this special time in her life and your mother in law will be talked about more.