diary of strugglin working mum

pavlovs_dog

i actually was going to post much along the same line as poorbabe.

i can understand that, if you are african, there may be cultural differences which seem alien to us brits as its not how things are done here in the uk. i can totally empathise with you sending money back 'home' to your folks, but from your posts it sounds like you are getting absolutely no support from your OH whatsoever, and that every thing you do to try and make life more comfortable for him is thrown back in your face.

i understand that it may not be the done thing in your culture (and i know its easy for me to make suggestions as an outsider) but i think you'd do well to stand up to him a bit more, or make him realise that its not fair for you to pay all the household stuff and support him out of your money, only to have him then moan at you when he's doing very little to support you.

a relationship is a two way street, whatever your race/colour/creed, and it sounds like he's been getting an easy ride for too long - you're doing wonders to sort out your debts, and you deserve more support.

Verbatim

Well done on achieving so much already. I hope things are looking up for you now, and good luck with the mystery shopping.

I really admire your determination to support your family in Africa despite the financial and relationship difficulties. It puts my little contributions to charities to shame.

mae

It sounds as though by you cutting back, making meals stretch, doing mystery shopping etc is making him feel immasculine and feel that he is not providing for his family.... Well by not sharing his wages or contributing he is NOT providing for his family so rather than face this fact he is throwing it back on you and making you feel bad.

All your hard work is highlighting the fact that he is not looking after his family. Well I suppose he has two choices:

1 - Start pulling his weight financially and getting on board with the cut backs.
OR
2- Lump it

I respect there will cultural differences but sometimes we need to be flexible to fit our in with our situation/circiumstances/needs and our loved ones.

Good luck and keep up the good work.

BartGirl

Poorbabe: I agree that having him live with me is not helping my situation in the slightest..I unfort'ly realised this one a while ago

Pavlov: i think you'd do well to stand up to him a bit more, or make him realise that its not fair for you to pay all the household stuff and support him out of your money, only to have him then moan at you when he's doing very little to support you.

a relationship is a two way street, whatever your race/colour/creed, and it sounds like he's been getting an easy ride for too long - you're doing wonders to sort out your debts, and you deserve more support.
You are right too..i should stand up to him abit more, its just that i am scared of him cos when it all kicks off he's always screamin and shouting and altho he's never hit me or anything, i just feel like a tortoise retreating into a shell cos i'd rather not have that going on..i cant shout above him yet i dont wanna have to 'lower myself to that'..does that sound silly ? It does when i read it back..
I know he's been getting an easy ride, but sometimes i wonder how he's meant to help. He gets £1,000 monthly and the rents £400. Then he pays his loan of £150 and and same for overdr. The CC is £60..then again he thinks he's doing me a favour by paying the rent. He thinks i should sign on and relieve him of that responsibility but i point blank refused to do that...

Mae: is making him feel immasculine and feel that he is not providing for his family.... Well by not sharing his wages or contributing he is NOT providing for his family so rather than face this fact he is throwing it back on you and making you feel bad.
You are spot on with this one..cos he's even said it to me himself. But I dunno what to do...i KNOW that sounds pathetic but its true

BartGirl

I know that I'm the one who's led to the situation being what it is todday.
And i am happy to accept that - just not able to tackle the situation I'm in..

When we first met, i was on a really good wage - fulltime, and he was part-time and studying. So it only seemed fair / right that I should shoulder the responsibility of paying the larger proportion of the bills etc. But now that the shoes on the other foot, I'm getting grief for it..
Reading your posts and the support you've given me has been really tremendous to say the least..I can feel another 'kick-off' round the corner cos this a.m. he had 'that look' on his face - but i feel like i may have a few things to say to him this time when he starts whinging and whining at me.
I know I've stayed this long cos
1. i wanna know that if /when we go our separate ways - i'll have tried my damndest to work things out
2. if i'm honest - i'm scared of being on my own. I've been with him for 7 years now so used to him being around..i know thats so lame..and i feel bad that my son'll be without a dad and he dotes-dotes-dotes on him so much..even typing this out is making me upset...
I guess my self-confidence is shot, and I'm at the bottom of the barrel..
No excuse - but the truth..

(Land_of)_Maz

Awwww babes....

:grouphug:

Hugs for you.

Verbatim

If your confidence has been sapped by being with him it will get worse not better the longer you stay.

Is OH's loan and cc for something you and /or your son benefitted from? Sorry if that's something you've already explained. If as I suspect not, it is really rich for him expect you to not only feed him but pander to his finickiness about bottled water. And if he expects your son's bed to be new has he any money to pay for this? What does he spend the rest of his earnings on? I realise there's not a lot left but.........................

BartGirl

Verbatim:
the loan he took out for a 'needy' family member .. which he did in the knowledge that it wouldnt be paid back..he did that behind my back when things were rocky and he'd moved out for abit and i then went to see my parents so was out of country.
CC; nothing that i know of..
I've decided that i'm gonna ask him what he'll contribute to the bed tonight. Cos when i did that with the car seat he kicked off at me big style when i said that the 1 i wanted was £100 new but i only had £50 - could he come up with the rest and he said i'd have to wait till month end but it couldnt wait cos seat was far too small for DS so i ended up getting a £60 one instead..

poorbabe

:hugs: BG. You doing great but remember no woman, whatever her background, should cower to her husband/partner ESPECIALLY when he is not pulling his weight. If he feels emasculated because you are managing, then he should bite it and look to his own behaviour rather than belittle your fantastic efforts.

As for parting after 7 years, I've heard of people divorcing after 20+ years of marriage so, as scary as it might feel, it can be done and at least in this country you can get State help to get you on your feet.

I left my partner after 7 1/2 years and it was a year longer than I should have taken, but I needed to be certain that I'd done everything possible to keep the relationship going. I even left the property I'd helped to buy and only got £500 out of it. Everybody thought I was mad but I realised that it was only a building and my sanity and health was worth more than that. I also realised I'd be ok no matter what. What I'm trying to say in my longwinded way is that you can't pull for two if the other is a dead weight, you can move further and quicker if you only pulling yourself. If hubby decides to get over himself then great, but if not you will have to decide how much longer you can keep this up. DS will turn out fine over time if you are worried about it affecting him and he will eventually appreciate having a strong mother and use you as a yardstick with his future relationships - hopefully

I found that when I made the decision to leave in my head, the physical act was very easy, because nothing he then said/did made any difference. I was at peace so no more ranting and raving :A

BartGirl

Poorbabe thanks for your kind words - you're right..I do need to not feel intimidated by 'him indoors'..its just that i dont know any different and therefore am used to things being this way..i know that doesnt make it right - its just how i feeel right now

Back to MSE stuff..update!!..

In anycase - i've been to bank today and withdrew a tenner.

- used 40p for mirror - to get free book for DS
- bought chicken legs from asian shop - for tonights dinner:roast with all veg we got indoors: also got parsley, coconut milk and lentils. This is to cover today and tomorrow and Fri meals. Tomorrow we'll have chops (bought last week - still got loadsa veg in). Fri we'll have fish (also bought last wk) plus the lentils and coc milk. This all cost about £3.

I'm therefore aiming for a nsd tomorrow - unless i end up buying the newspaper for the book coupon.

If I can achieve that, then i'd like a nsd on Fri too lets see - i've got plenty to keep me indoors..wish me luck folks..