Teenage visitation rights - ref seperation

arushofblood

After 2 and a half years of seperation, my daughter who has now turned 13, is starting to protest about wanting to stay with her dad or going on the holidays of his choosing. Someone tod me today that at this age they have the right to choose whether to visit/holiday or not ? Is this correct please ? Thx

Running_Horse

If so, I hope its not like when I was a kid, and they asked you after you were pressured to give certain answers, and did so for a quiet life. Unless there are good reasons not to keep up visits, I hope both parents are acting in a non-combative manner and encouraging a full relationship with the other. Take it from someone who knows, it is possible to turn a child against a parent, but they will never forgive you for it in later years. The welfare of the child should always come first when parents divorce.

mookiandco

In the eyes of the court, a child's wishes and feelings are usually given weight from the age of 11 upwards, sometimes younger if the child is very mature. If your child does not want to stay with her dad then she needs to tell him herself otherwise you will be accused of frustrating contact. It goes without saying that you should be encouraging your daughter to see her dad, however its very difficult to force a 13 year old to do something they don't want to do. Look for a compromise such as shorter visits, more chats on the phone etc. I hope that you can sort it out.

RHemmings

Running_Horse wrote: »

If so, I hope its not like when I was a kid, and they asked you after you were pressured to give certain answers, and did so for a quiet life. Unless there are good reasons not to keep up visits, I hope both parents are acting in a non-combative manner and encouraging a full relationship with the other. Take it from someone who knows, it is possible to turn a child against a parent, but they will never forgive you for it in later years. The welfare of the child should always come first when parents divorce.

If one parent turns the child against the other parent, then I don't think the former parent should be forgiven. Turning a child against one of its parents is robbing that child of a vital part of childhood.

pipkin71

tbh, my advice would be that you try to facilitate as good a relationship between both father and daughter as possible.

Try to find out why your DD is protesting against visits then look for a way round it to ensure the relationship they have continues, but yes, the courts would listen to what your DD wants.

conradmum

In my experience this is often the case (especially with girls) because the child wants to see their friends at the weekend and on holidays, not their dad! Us parents are very boring to be around when you're a teenager. :rolleyes:
Is this the case? Does her dad live too far away for her to see her friends too? Would a solution be that she could take a friend with her and her dad makes an effort to do something 'special' so that the prospect of visiting him is more enticing to her?

i_wanna_save_money!

I would imagine she would rather be with her friends :rolleyes: my step - daughters constantly phone saying '' Can we not come tonight we want to go cinema / bowling / sleep at friends etc Oh yeah can we have some money though '' lol.

If you think about it, it is not their fault parents are not together, and are sort of 'forced' to see other parent, whereas if mum and dad were still together they would be able to enjoy weekends with friends or family IYSWIM.

arushofblood

Thanks for your replies

Running Horse, I understand what you are saying. Their dad sure does get on my t!ts and our relationship has now totally broken down. For me that's sadly a total relief ( I refuse to allow him to bring me down any more when my life's finally on the up !! ) but I've always explained to the kids, and encouraged them to act on it, that despite me not even getting on with their dad as a friend, he will always be their dad.

I think most of you have hit the nail on the head. My DD would rather be at 'home', doing what she wants to do when she wants to do it and with whoever she chooses !

I suspect my ex feels that when the kids are with me we're having a fun family time together when in reality we don't do much together as they've got their own lives and I've got the jobs to do most the time !

At present the ex is in the marital home not far from me. Is is however planning on moving to the nearest city, something that my DD is horified about and I suspect will cause further trouble !

Both DD and DS are also unhappy about having to go away and visit their dads friends who's kids they don't get on with. I have encouraged them both to tell their dad but they're too scared to. After having tears from the DS though I felt I had to say something to the ex, which didn't go down very well as you'd expect ! Yes, I suspect that the ex thought I was just causing trouble !

One more thing that annoys me and my DS has picked up on is that their dad seems to have all the better holiday times with the kids, Easter, Bank holidays etc. Now I know they live with me most the time but as a working parent myself, I would like to have the opportunity to have the kids on the pick of the holiday times myself. Again, the DS is complaining that she hasn't the opportunities to spend these times with me.

I really understand that it's important to see all sides in this. My question really being how important are the kids wishes in this ? Are they now old enough to say yes or no to things ( ages 11 and 13 ) or do we still as parents have to tell them what they are doing ?

Thanks again !

pinkshoes

Both DD and DS are also unhappy about having to go away and visit their dads friends who's kids they don't get on with. I have encouraged them both to tell their dad but they're too scared to. After having tears from the DS though I felt I had to say something to the ex, which didn't go down very well as you'd expect ! Yes, I suspect that the ex thought I was just causing trouble !

Could you not get you DS and DD to email their dad and tell him that they don't like staying with these friends, but they're happy to spend some time just with him alone in their home town?! At 11 and 13 it's probably a very frightening thing to have to tell their dad, as they don't want to be seen as taking sides because they already live with you. They're probably scared of hurting you too, because they wanna see their dad but want it to maybe appear to you that they DON'T wanna see him.

Just don't ever say anything negative about their dad infront of them!! and make it clear that you'd like them to stay in touch and spend time with their dad as you feel it's important.

At 13 one of my best friends had divorced parents who lived just 3 miles apart. She lived with her mum, and although she liked seeing her dad, she didn't like his new partner, so would only visit when this woman wasn't there, or take me along! She worried so much about upsetting her mum though, as she got the impression her mum didn't want her visiting her dad, even though she said it was ok! i guess kids are very sensitive at that age and want to please everyone!

squibbs25

I think your dd is just growing up!

As a stepmum to 3 girls (now 12, nearly 16 and 17.5) i would sit and talk with your dd and find out if there is any particular reason that she doesnt want to go, if it is the case of she's bored then there will have to be some give and take. (not sure when contact is but if it's every weekend then do alternate weekends)
My youngest step-dd still comes every other weekend for sleepover and sundays if not a sleepover (if that makes sense). The middle step-dd used to come the same but as she started to grow up (normally it's when they go up to secondary school things change) she stated to phone her dad and say that she'd been asked to 'where ever, to do what ever. whith who ever!'
Sure it hurt my hubby at first when step-dd 2 didnt come that often but he realised that she had to have the freedom teenagers get.
I know how busy my ds is of a weekend with clubs and friend commitments!
Why sould it be any different for the others just because they live in a seperate house?

One thing i will mention (on a slightly person note - sorry in advance) is that if your dd has started her periods (or feels like she is about to) she might find it embarressing to go to her dads at the time of the month. My eldest step-dd did, yet the middle one its never bothered her. (i have a better relationship with the middle and youngest, as the eldest is a mummy's girl didnt used to come very often.)


Whatever it is you decide, good luck.


Squibbs