Reconciliation after divorce.

shiningfaery

I am thinking of a reconciliation after a divorce.
I recently reconnected with my ex with whom I have children. We reconnected on a personal level he has always been present for his children.

We didn't have a nice relationship at the end, maybe naturally to some hence the divorce. We both had issues that we never faced and used other measures to deal with, for example alcohol. We were not alcoholics as such but could have been as we used alcohol to deal with our issues.

Is it possible to reconcile with measures such as counselling? Has anyone done this? I am confused and am not sure if it's lust or love I am feeling?

Help please, negativity not required here

pinkshoes

Why not give it some time and see where it goes?

If you have both now addressed any issues then you could be perfect match again.

Just don't rush into anything!

Pollycat

Have you both addressed your issues with alcohol whilst you've been apart?
Or are you intending to deal with it together?
Was alcohol the problem or just a way of dealing with a more serious issue between you?
Does/will that issue still exist?

Primrose

Do you know how your ex feels about this?
Is he on the same wavelength as you?
How much contact do you have with each other?
Is it a case of distance makes the heart grow fonder?
Have you both managed to reduce/eliminate your reliance on alcohol to help solve or ease your problems?
Was it separation which eliminated the problems you were having or have you both learned how to resolve them in a more positive way?
Are you now starting to rediscover all the good qualities in each other which your quarrelling times allowed to be forgotten?


I think these are some of the issues you both have to be asking yourselves before you can move forward.


Take it slowly. Counselling, jointly or singly will help if you are both able to be objective about what caused the split in the first place and if you're both now determined to find a more positive route to resolving your issues.

onomatopoeia99

The reasons you fell for each other may well still be there, and if the problems the split you are part are solved, in abeyance or being dealt with, then the attraction and the bond you shared may resurface. None of us can say if it's love or lust, even the words have different meanings to different people.

If you haven't already done so, the IMO first thing to do is talk to him, explain what you are feeling, but don't put any pressure, or make any demands of him (and no "dutch courage", either, that can just inflame a potentially emotionally charged conversation). Communication, or lack of it, is the cause of so many relationship failures - this I have personal experience of.

TBagpuss

It's certianly possible to reconcile and people do do it, both before and after divorcing.

After all, there was a reason you feel for each other in the first place, plus you have lots of shared experiences.

BUT - you split up once, and no doubt there were good reasons for that.

So think about why you split up, and whether / how much of the things which led to the breakup have changed. Not just specific incidents or behaviours but also think about things such as how your respective communication styles, expectation, habits etc fed into that, and whether you can break those habits of thought and behaviour.

Counselling may well be helpful in helping the two of you to do that.
definitely take it slow. You may find that you work better as a dating couple than as a cohabiting one.

But step one is talking to him to see whether he is interesting in trying to rekindle things.

(Also, lust s not necessarily a bad thing. It's not a good basis for a permanent relationship, if there isn't anything else there, but if you are both single, then there is nothing wrong with enjoying yourselves. Just make sure that you are both on the same page about what you are doing and whether you plan to take things further. )

hazyjo

It's very hard to lose that 'reach for a drink' mentality. I'm quite bad for it myself, and my ex-husband was 100 x worse (resulting in us splitting up - especially after awful events which knocked us down time after time like skittles for two years).


If the going's good now, you need to address how you'd deal with that on top of 'family/day-to-day pressures'. What if you lose a loved one, or someone loses their job, or money worries... I had two drinks last night when I wasn't going to have anything purely because I just felt wound up. Won't drink again until Friday, but it'll never be a particularly easy relationship I have with alcohol. I could easily drink every night given the choice - but choose not to because I know how dangerous that can be (generally and to me personally).


Perhaps if you each commit to six/12 months off it. Not even if you're away for a weekend, at a wedding, party, birthdays, anything. See where that gets you both. Hit the reset button.


Not being negative btw - I'm 100% behind you Sometimes you're so far into getting out, you can't get back in. It's often said as a threat, or in the hope someone puts their arms round you and says 'don't do it' or you cut your nose off to spite your face. Once you are out, the picture is clearer and it's easier to see where you went wrong.


Good luck.

shiningfaery

Thank you all.

I know that he is on same wavelength and wants to reconcile. We wouldn't be moving in together anytime soon.
If it were to happen I would want to start like we didn't have a history and date.

On alcohol side I think that personally I need to give it up completely as it was an issue on its own as well as covering other issues.

Fireflyaway

Well you hear of people getting married to the same person a second time or getting back with a childhood sweetheart. I don't have personal experience of this but I'd say try to think objectively. Is there a certain amount of it that's down to familiarity and being on best behaviour ? If the reasons you split are still there in the background its probably not worth it, but if you have both changed a lot, it might be! Just do what you said and take it slow. Don't do anything that will cause too much stress if it doesn't work out.