Working with a shift worker in the family

[Deleted User]

milliemonster wrote: »

Yes, my hubby had to put his life on hold for years as I was a shift worker, now our youngest is 14 he has finally been able to further his career as have I, it's all part of the sacrifices you have to make when you have a family unfortunately

Cheers .. I do think I'll end up having to suck it up till the kids are in secondary school, or my missus gets a part time job that fits around the kid's school hours better. Our parents are getting older and we don't want to burden them with more childcare.

Bugslet - fertility problems mean that you don't always get to pick when to have kids. We just had to 'go for it' - after being told it could take years to conceive. Turns out it took 3 months.

We also got a dog. This was a silly idea since I'm now it's main 'dog walker/feeder'.

Ho hum. This was more a moan thread. I guess my kids will be both in secondary school by the time I'm 42, and that's not too old to be pushing the career up a notch.

Yes, fully aware how lucky I am and plenty of people would kill to have a full-time work from home job. I'm having a case of envying the Jones I think.

bugslet

We all do that Ringo from time to time!

trailingspouse

Yes, I had to put my career on hold while my kids were little and my other half worked 12 hour shifts in one of the emergency services. But I was female and therefore it was just expected that I would go part time. I then retrained as a teacher so that I would have work that fitted around school holidays. It was never once suggested (by him, by me, or by anyone else) that my OH should change what he did.

Welcome to our world (it sucks, doesn't it).

On the positive side, they do eventually grow up - and 42 isn't that old really.

gettingready

ERICS_MUM wrote: »

Get an au pair or nanny.

I was just going to suggest that.

I did not have a shift worker other half but I was a single parent for most of my now adult daughter's childhood.

And I can not imagine having a shift worker as a partner requires more sacrifices and juggling than being a single working parent.

I have no relatives in UK so had to manage somehow. Au Pair it was then.

I am not contracting any more, with the IR35 etc contracts in my field dried out. So I took a permanent job on less than half of the money and ave a 40 min commute to/from work (each way) rather than Mon-Fri living away from home or spending 5 hours on trains DAILY.

2 of my close friends, both with young kids - work away from home. One is a single mother and got an Au Pair. Other involves friends/family to help her working husband with childcare.

It can be done.

If you can organise a space in your house to accommodate an Au Pair - that would be the best solution. Even if it means putting 2 kids in one room together so Au Pair can have own room.

All the best

kazzah

most primary schools have a wrap around club - where kids can go straight from the classroom at 3.15 until usually 6pm and likewise they can be dropped off in the morning from 7am - OR get a before and after school child minder- my friend was one - she loved it- had her whole day to herself but was available to pick kids up from school and drop them off at school because that matched her own family commitments - get a dog walking service another friend of mine has been a dog walker for 3 years - she took it as a stop gap when moved to a new area and it so much in demand she does it full time and loves it and her "dogs" there are solutions to be had- but you have to put the effort into finding them

Savvy_Sue

ringo_24601 wrote: »

Sadly it isn't quite enough to replace my wife's wage, so we're a bit stuck in jobs neither of us really like anymore.

I presume you have looked at the Old Style and Debt Free boards to see if you could shave enough off your outgoings to make that less of a problem?

ringo_24601 wrote: »

Cheers .. I do think I'll end up having to suck it up till the kids are in secondary school, or my missus gets a part time job that fits around the kid's school hours better.

I don't want to be too discouraging, but it won't necessarily get much easier at that point - 11 year olds vary in their maturity, and their relationships aren't always 'reliable'. I'd have happily left any two of our three at home together for short periods, but all three of them at once? Noooooo. Plus, while there may be afterschool activities, accessing them may be difficult - eldest was on a school bus to begin with so couldn't stay for anything. Not to mention the fact that he wasn't a 'joiner', so didn't want to stay for anything anyway. There's nothing like the wraparound childcare you may get used to once they move on from Primary School.

I guess what I'm saying is, it could be worth looking at the possibilities now rather than waiting - looking hard. If neither of you is really enjoying your job - and you've been in that state for quite a while, I believe - then it's definitely worth looking at how you could change things, rather than quickly deciding you can't.

badmemory

You could always do what I did & find, quite by accident in my case, a local girl who got herself in trouble (another immaculate conception). There were few of the benefits there are now, just child benefit increased enough to pay 1 nights babysitting - quiz night here I come. She used to work 2 hours every afternoon. I took him to a childminders every am before my commute & she got him to school & in the afternoon he went home to find "her" there having done half an hours cleaning. As part of the deal she fed him & her own child out of my fridge or freezer.

To put it another way perhaps you could try to be a little creative. A few hours a week in someone else's care is not (well not if you are a little careful) going to turn your children into any worse monsters than they already are.

FBaby

You need to get it out of your head that you are being controlled by external factors and that you are therefore sacrifying yourself for your family.

You do have options, the reality is that you don't want to compromise, you want it all. As suggested, you could consider an au pair. You could pay for childcare for your children (more than make up for the increase income you will earn), you could talk to your parents to see if on the exceptional occasion where you might need to go away overnight and your wife has no choice at all but to work, they would agree to come over and look after the kids.

When there is a will, there are solutions, but they almost always require some compromise. You need to decide what matters most and then change your mindset and see that you are not the victim but the master of your own choices.