Annoying BIL

Batman2017

Hi,

How to deal with an annoying BIL? Im going to try and keep this fairly brief so they cant be identified.

Simply put I think my brother in law is a bit of a moron, He is rude to his family and has been violent to my wife in the past (dont get me started on that).

Recently he has been making comments which are really starting to grate on me.

First of all when he found out we wanted to buy a car, he tried to sell us his so he could buy another one. When my wife said she didnt want his 10 year old car, he went on for about 10 minutes trying to disuade her from her choice just to try and convince her to buy his rustbucket.

Next, when we finally brought our new family car he started texting saying more negative things about the car. When my wife didnt text him back he actually sent another text informing us of how in which ways his new car was superior to our new car(who does that!?)

Now they need to move house and our limited for options due to his expensive HP CAR and have looked at moving to our town as renting is cheaper. They looked at a house again in a deprived area which is about a mile from us, he turned his nose up at it and then decided to tell us we are stupid for living near it.

I dont begrudge anyone sucess or hold there failings against them, that is until they start trying to make themselves feel superior by putting us down.

My wife admits she doesnt like him but hes still family.

What should i do!

pollyanna24

You could just ignore him and not rise to it, that will annoy him the greatest.

I don't get on with my brother and so I just don't talk to him. We see each other occasionally either at his house (I like his wife and my nephew), my house or our parents' house.

I simply don't rise to any bait that he throws my way (he has more money than me thanks to his wife etc.) and I don't bait him as I don't want my kids seeing that and it always makes me seem like the bigger person in front of other family.

Pollycat

Batman2017 wrote: »

Hi,

How to deal with an annoying BIL? Im going to try and keep this fairly brief so they cant be identified.

Simply put I think my brother in law is a bit of a moron, He is rude to his family and has been violent to my wife in the past (dont get me started on that).

Recently he has been making comments which are really starting to grate on me.

First of all when he found out we wanted to buy a car, he tried to sell us his so he could buy another one. When my wife said she didnt want his 10 year old car, he went on for about 10 minutes trying to disuade her from her choice just to try and convince her to buy his rustbucket.

Next, when we finally brought our new family car he started texting saying more negative things about the car. When my wife didnt text him back he actually sent another text informing us of how in which ways his new car was superior to our new car(who does that!?)

Now they need to move house and our limited for options due to his expensive HP CAR and have looked at moving to our town as renting is cheaper. They looked at a house again in a deprived area which is about a mile from us, he turned his nose up at it and then decided to tell us we are stupid for living near it.

I dont begrudge anyone sucess or hold there failings against them, that is until they start trying to make themselves feel superior by putting us down.

My wife admits she doesnt like him but hes still family.

What should i do!

Ignore him and persuade your wife to do the same.

If he wasn't 'family', would you want to have anything to do with him?
Exactly.

Why do people think they have to take rubbish from family?
Blood really isn't thicker than water - well, it might be from a science perspective but not in circumstances like this.

Ilona

Only one answer here, as above, ignore him. Don't phone, don't text, don't email. Don't reply to his text and emails. If he asks a question give the briefest of answers, yes, no, don't know. You can't change how people behave, you can only change how you deal with it. Ignore.

Ilona

TBagpuss

Ignore him.

don't respond to his texts.

You could decide to block his number if you don't want to hear from him.

If your wife wants to keep lines of communication open then that's up to her. However, she says that she doesn't like him, and you mention he has been violent towards her. It might be worth having a conversation with her to discuss what benefit she feels there is in maintaining a relationship with him. Does he have children she doesn't want to lose contact with? Then you and she can decide what level of contact you want to have with him.

It might be that you decide, as a couple, to block him and cut all ties.

If you decide that you do maintain contact, then a 'go to' response may help you. for instance, a simple text back saying something like "Don't worry, we're happy with our choices, but if we decide we want any advice from you, we'll let you know". It works quite well whether he is trying to criticise your car, or your home, and if he continues to send messages you can just repeat. "Like we said, we're happy with our choices, but if we decide we want any advice from you, we'll let you know"

onlyroz

Just nod and smile, and get on with your life.

Batman2017

thanks for all the responses. He has been quite open when discussing his finances (basically bragging) he made a comment to my wife that he was earning more than people in her profession. My wife didnt reply back, the funny thing is though, He has told my wife without asking him, how much they have saved and our earning and it isnt close to our income or assets. I wonder if he is trying to fish for us to do tell him our finances, either way i wish he would shut up.

He shouts at his young kids aswell which I cant stand, we have a baby on the way and I have made it clear to my wife I dont want baby being around that. If he wasnt family then we wouldnt see him.

TBAGPUSS, i really like your advice on the 'go to' answers.

Batman2017

thanks for all the responses. He has been quite open when discussing his finances (basically bragging) he made a comment to my wife that he was earning more than people in her profession. My wife didnt reply back, the funny thing is though, He has told my wife without asking him, how much they have saved and our earning and it isnt close to our income or assets. I wonder if he is trying to fish for us to do tell him our finances, either way i wish he would shut up.

He shouts at his young kids aswell which I cant stand, we have a baby on the way and I have made it clear to my wife I dont want baby being around that. If he wasnt family then we wouldnt see him.

TBAGPUSS, i really like your advice on the 'go to' answers.

Robisere

3 words to him. 2nd and 3rd are "- off, moron."

Mayflower10cat

Reminds me of that deeply annoying couple (was it in The Fast Show?) always trying to score over the sister in law & family and the final line was always ''cos we are considerably richer than YEW..!'


My mother fell out with her brother 20 years ago over something he wrote to her that was deeply upsetting and hurtful. In fact he was vile about all our family. A few years ago my Mum rekindled their relationship as she kept saying 'he's my only brother.' She has made all the concessions and he's never once admitted he regrets his nastiness. I send him a Christmas card each year though I still haven't forgiven him, deep down. She shows me emails from him and his partner and I just roll my eyes - it's all about him, his health (always poor!) his friends at the cathedral, tea with the Bishop... It's utterly selfish, utterly self obsessed and I think - Mum, what on earth have you gained from this one sided relationship??!!! How is this constant litany of ailments real or imagined brightening your existence?


Sometimes family relationships can be toxic. Sometimes you just have to pull back and disconnect from the person. Screen your phonecalls with an ansaphone and keep contact to a minimum for your own sanity.

euronorris

My standard responses to my BIL are:


OK - in response to outlandish statements/claims he makes
That's nice - when he's trying to brag
No thank you - when he's trying to persuade me/us to do something ridiculous


Don't elaborate, don't give any further answers, just let it hang there awkwardly. I've found it's the best way. My BIL, ultimately, is looking for the engagement so he can get into an argument with you. If you give very short, often one word responses, he gets bored quickly and moves on.