Boyfriend will never have a deeper connection with anyone more than Ex – deal breaker

fairy_lights

It sounds like he's still got feelings for her, which would be a deal breaker for me.
They were together for three years so of course his feelings ran deep at the time, and you can't just switch your emotions off overnight, but for him to still be emailing her saying stuff like that makes it sound like he's trying to keep his options open.

System

LandyAndy wrote: »

I always wonder what makes people think to register on a forum and ask a personal question like this with some controversial information as their first post.

I suppose they could always contact Grill Graham


(It's become a regular feature of my Saturday morning. A cup of coffee, 11-ses, and listen to Graham and Maria playing agony aunt!)

poppellerant

avogadro wrote: »

I suppose they could always contact Grill Graham


(It's become a regular feature of my Saturday morning. A cup of coffee, 11-ses, and listen to Graham and Maria playing agony aunt!)

That's a good laugh sometimes.

Dear Graham and Maria,

Our neighbour recently gave us a present of a pot in the shape of a cat.

It’s apparently it’s worth a bob or two, but we really don't like it.

Our neighbour has a collection of these hideous things herself and we would love to give it back to her but, of course, this might be hurtful.

She is a frequent visitor to our home, and she’ll expect to see it.

So what do we do? She’s already suggested we can expect another one this Christmas.

Jess in Oldham

:rotfl::T

Malthusian

I didn't look at any of the other emails. So perhaps be willing to listen to the full side of the story before making judgemental comments. [my emphasis]

The irony is painful. You want random people on the Internet to listen to the full side of the story, but you have no interest in what your boyfriend's full side of the story is.

We have no way of getting the full side of the story other than waiting for you to supply more tidbits, yet it would have taken you five seconds to look at the rest of the emails and find out his full side of the story - the reason why he was happy to stay logged in to his email account and leave his correspondence with his ex lying around for you to find.

krlyr

justanothergal247 wrote: »

I shouldn't have to explain myself for how I came across the email. That wasn't my question.

But thank you to the commenters who did answer my question.

It's a relevant point IMO. You're talking about the future of your relationship, if you're having trust issues (which email snooping could indicate - fair enough he left it logged in but you made a conscious decision to click and read that email) then that could swing the decision.

chesky

Why don't you just ask him about it, since he's obviously cool about the possibility of your seeing his private emails.

PasturesNew

He's not over her - and with you overlapping that it means your relationship will never be on solid ground because you can't unsee what you saw.

If he realises the error of his ways and realises YOU are "the one", then you'll always wonder if he's secretly waiting for a nod from her.

The only real way forward is to have a complete break, an end. Get out.

Then, after some months, see how things went.

He'll either be banging on your door declaring undying love -or- spend all his time trying to get back with her/wait for his moment -or- go off and find another sucker while he's still waiting for "the one" to go back to him.

You might be "the one" .... but you will never know if you stay in the relationship you've currently got, which is one where he's actually just killing time waiting until he can get back with her.

AubreyMac

The deal breaker for me would be that he is keeping in contact at length and not being open and upfront about it.


On the subject of 'snooping', I personally believe everything should be open and available to my partner at anytime and vice versa. If there's nowt to hide then there's nothing to be worried about.


With an ex partner I had a gut feeling he wasn't being honest about something, I couldn't pinpoint what but every time I asked him questions I did not believe his answers. I did ask to see his phone and email but he refused (which only added more to my suspicions).
I didn't feel I could do anything as I had no solid evidence (gut feeling is not really enough to make accusations).


A later time he was having issues with his 3 mobile when large amounts of money was going out, we went into the store together and when he was showing the guy his bill (which was itemised) I noticed the same number was repeated loads of times.


I decided to look through his phone when he was in the bath and my suspicions were confirmed - he was in contact with an ex and saved the number under a male name. It was the same number as the one on the bills. The content of the messages were enough for me to end it with him. I even called the number which went to voicemail and the greeting even confirmed it was her. When confronted he couldn't deny it as evidence was just there even though he did try to deflect blame on me for going through his phone. sometimes the means justify the end.


However, this was in my early 20s an age when I was insecure. I don't think I would do this now though. I think I would just leave if I didn't believe someone's answers and go with my instinct even in the absence of solid evidence. Constantly having a doubt or a niggling feeling of suspicion was a horrendous and wasteful way to live.

nicechap

justanothergal247 wrote: »

Very disappointed in the responses here. I 'came' across the email because we share an iPad and he happened to still be logged into his email account when I wanted to log into mine. There the first page of his inbox was filled with recent emails from her, finding that inappropriate and worrisome, I clicked on the first one and the last thing he said to her is what the title of my thread is. I didn't look at any of the other emails. So perhaps be willing to listen to the full side of the story before making judgemental comments.

And LandyAndy, maybe you'll understand when you meet someone, fall in love with them and find out they've said that to their ex partner. It kind of eats at you.

So you chose to look.

parking_question_chap

justanothergal247 wrote: »

Very disappointed in the responses here.

Whats the point of asking a quesion on a web forum, when you are only going to pick out the answers you want to hear

If the emails are recent you might be better leaving him

If he found out you have been reading his emails, he isnt going to be very trusting of you either.