Small family wedding dilemma

To start me and my partner will be getting married in just under 3 weeks time.

We've known for a few months now that my partners Grandmother and her partner won't be attending the wedding, she formally wrote us a letter (though through the vine we were told they had already booked accommodated and made arrangements and were coming etc).

It was VERY upsetting for us as my partner had an amazing relationship with them growing up and even lived with them shortly. My partner moved away but we've visited numerous times since we've been together. I genuinely love them like there my own grandparents. The reasoning for not attending was it's too long of a journey and not much more was given. P.s they visit my partners mother about an hour away from us x3 a year at least so there's not a massive difference.

We had an idea there was something else going on and long story short we found out that his grandmother was a bit poorly but would make a good recovery eventually. They are quite outgoing people generally don't get me wrong there not 100% fit and healthy but for there age they aren't far off.

In between that part and the next part we even have them out blessing/encouragement to attend another family wedding a while after ours which is a MUCH closer distance to them, they said they couldn't but we encouraged them to think about it not wanting them too miss out on two occasions.

The main dilemma is last week we found out there visiting my partners mother (an hour away) from us just 2 weeks before the wedding for a whole week (I expected them to visit his mother again one day but not for several months at least). My partner is keeping it together but I'm extremely upset that they feel well enough for a 'holiday' but not well enough to come too our wedding, to top it off we even extended our holiday from work around the wedding so we can make a visit up to see them as a 'sort' of substitute for them to be involved still.

I honestly don't want to go now, we're saving for a house and the large expense it was cost for us to visit we could be putting towards that, I want to suggest to my partner that we just visit them at his mothers for the day when there down, is that a reasonable request?

I will admit not wanting to visit is me being slightly petty I won't disagree with that but if they can't make the effort for the most important time of our lives why can't we visit them later on in the year when it's more convieniant for us?

Sorry for the long one.


  • I tried to make this post as short and informative as possible don't hesitate to ask any questions!
  • 7roland87roland8 Forumite
    3.6K Posts
    Debt-free and Proud!
    I can see this is upsetting and not long to go now.

    I can see it form two points of view. Older people often get set in their ways - and maybe not feeling too well - are ok visiting his mum and staying quietly but not for a full wedding. Also some people are not keen on 'events' as they get older and do get set in their ways.

    However I think you have been more than accommodating. Your boyfriend or you - but probably him, should definitely visit when they are at mums - and ask again about your wedding. Then if they still do not feel able to go just leave it at that - but as you have been seeing them I don't see why you should feel compelled to use up extra holidays to go visit them afterwards. they make their choice, you have recently seen them - end of story.

    Try not to let this ruin things for you both. You cannot always get people to go along with your plans and sometimes just have to accept people as they are - even if unreasonable!
    Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us every day. -- Sally Koch
  • PasturesNewPasturesNew Forumite
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    If there's nothing wrong with them - and they don't work - there's actually nothing to stop them changing their holiday dates and hitching a lift with your b/f's parents to the wedding I'd have thought.

    But maybe they don't feel "well" enough to be sitting on hard pews, standing for photographs, primped and pulled into "smart clothes" (that they might not have), etc etc - and maybe they just feel it'd be too much, too tiring and don't want to "spoil" your day by looking frail and tired in a corner and moaning of feet hurting.

    It can be a long day, when you can't do your "usual routines", have to eat "funny food", dress in uncomfortable stuff.... etc etc.
  • melanzanamelanzana Forumite
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    Apologies in advance if I sound very blunt, but some people just do NOT like weddings at all no matter who is getting married!

    I wouldn't take it personally at all, just go with the flow, visit them at partner's mother's house and bring along some flowers or something to show you understand. There may be more to the issue than they are letting on.

    Congratulations on your impending wedding, and I am sure you will have a great day.
    14.9K Posts
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    I agree with the above.

    An event can be very tiring and difficult to cope with for some and is different than staying with family for a few days.

    Enjoy your day regardless.
  • Thank you for your replies.

    I didn't think of most your points. Broken down I've come to the understanding it's 'Probably a bit too much' (Though we are having the most chilled out tiny wedding, I'm not into to partying and traditions, I just can't wait to marry him, eat some food and get in my pjs)

    We're not unreasonable, I've had a longer chat with my partner and he would still like to visit them after the wedding.

    He's not as upset because he expects this sort of thing from the rest of his family however his Grandmother if the most honest, polite and tells you how it is person and her husband is one of the sweetest gentlemen so I think I'm mostly upset that they could have been a bit more honesnt or given us some updates etc.

    Anyway thanks again, it's certainly 'calmed' down my train of thoughts.
  • PollycatPollycat Forumite
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    A wedding invitation is just that - an invitation.
    It's not a command.

    It's their choice and you just have to accept it.
  • Art_DecoArt_Deco Forumite
    188 Posts
    Third Anniversary Photogenic
    How old are the grandparents?, there can be a big difference in expecting a 60 something or an 80 something to be able to attend a wedding when they are not too well. My husband was mainly brought up by his grandma and she wasnt up to attending our wedding, we just accepted this as she was an old lady and even though our wedding was a small affair it obviously was too much for her, she was the sweetest lady but her health went downhill after that ,she died on the day our second son was born , we like to think she hung on to see him.:)
  • paddyrgpaddyrg Forumite
    13.5K Posts
    I didn't have all my family at my wedding - no bad blood, they just weren't 'up to' making it. They were a little reluctant to say so for their own reasons. Don't force anything, just leave the opportunity open with kind hearts.

    Dagnammit - likely I'm late to this - hope it went/is going really well :)
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