Relationship rough patch with no end in sight.

beautiful_ravens

Speaking as someone who has had depression, I think youve done a good job helping him and trying to be supportive.
But, I also think you've enabled him to get worse - youve kind of cut him too much slack. I also think that its very hard to get someone else out of depression -in the end, it has to be done by them. You are stuck now because theres no options left for you, no other ways to help.

Your doctor would be the first port of call towards finding a counsellor for yourself.

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/Free-therapy-or-counselling.aspx

goodwithsaving

You aren't being selfish. My ex was an alcoholic who was also depressed. I spent every evening in tears, was often up at midnight begging him not to drive and he would frequently pick me up on my way home whilst he was drunk. I was surviving on 3 hours sleep and he didn't change despite chances. I tried, really tried. In the end I needed to separate for my sanity. The house went, as did my first true love.
Since then, I've been on a downward spiral. Suffering a breakdown, I've been at the bottom and intend to come back up.You will be resilient up to a point but no-one is superwoman. I didn't look after myself and subsequently fell to pieces. I suggest go on holiday alone, have some breathing space and take time out from your day to day life.

thorsoak

MortgageVirgin wrote: »

Thank you for the feedback, everyone. I've shied away from talking about it with him, for fear of making it worse. Sad as it may be, I think I agree that he is unlikely to change.

Any recommendations on people I can talk to? Do I need to approach my doctor?

Sorting out the housing situation will be very tricky if we do end up parting ways. I could afford the mortgage on my own; he couldn't. However, he did put a large deposit down from the sale of his previous home, which I can't afford to 'pay back'. We might have to sell. However, he wouldn't get a mortgage on his own.

Yes - the house will have to go - sell it, give him his deposit back, and as you say, you can afford a mortgage on your own. He will have enough to put down as a deposit on a rental if he cannot get another mortgage - but really how he manages is not really your problem - you've carried him for how long? If he is not energised enough by a discussion with you to start seeking help with his depression, then you cannot help him forever.

I know it sounds harsh - and yes, it is harsh - but what other option do you have?

Fireflyaway

It doesn't sound as though his depression is under control. Will he go to the gp to adjust his medicine or be referee to CBT ? Its no life for either of you, but it can be very hard for a depressed person to get the motivation to seek help. Does he know how you feel? Sometimes an honest conversation is needed. It might make it worse temporarily, but you can't both stay this way forever. You must not blame yourself.

Kim_kim

thorsoak wrote: »

Yes - the house will have to go - sell it, give him his deposit back, and as you say, you can afford a mortgage on your own. He will have enough to put down as a deposit on a rental if he cannot get another mortgage - but really how he manages is not really your problem - you've carried him for how long? If he is not energised enough by a discussion with you to start seeking help with his depression, then you cannot help him forever.

I know it sounds harsh - and yes, it is harsh - but what other option do you have?

This. I personally would have been long gone. You have no children to tie you.
He's using you. You're doing everything in the relationship, you're getting nothing back.
Leave & be happy alone without the weight of supporting him & you will probably find a real "partner" in time.
While you're supporting him, it's dragging you down - even if you don't notice.

Ozzuk

As you haven't really broached it with him I'd certainly make some attempt before writing off the relationship. Tell him he needs to at least try counselling (maybe you should as well), I'd go private, it isn't cheap but given the options it could be money well spent.

Let him know how you feel and how it is impacting you and that you want to help things change. A large part of depression is not being able to see things that are obvious to others- like the impact you are having. Often a partner highlighting the issues can jump start change. It can of course also make the sufferer withdraw and feel more guilty.

Self help can be effective and low cost - you're already exercising which is good, but stop the alcohol. If needs be, both of you for a while at least, it is a depressant. There are loads of books on the subject, try some (both of you).

If you do all this and see no change then at least you know you tried, ultimately if this continues as is it will really start to impact your health, outlook and wellbeing.