First Wedding Meltdown

ani*fan

Hun, you don't need a kick, you need a massive hug right now. Here's the dodgy group one from all of us here on you thread. :grouphug: It's all going to be ok, better than ok, it's going to be amazing. It just needs some more heads to help with figuring it out.

First of all, your OH is going to have to understand that his proposal was not good and that has possibly got all the planning off on the wrong foot. Tell him that you understand he loves you, but getting married is a very special thing (even if he has done it before) and that you need to feel how special and important you are to him. You need a ring, it doesn't have to cost much at all (my mate had one that cost a fiver, it was so pretty, surely he can find a fiver?) but it's the finger you wear it on that signals to the world and to you that this is happening. If he's so keen to organise things (and I think this is a good thing) let him start with organising a proper proposal, ring and all.

Once that's done, you can properly feel you're getting married. You need to tell everyone! It doesn't sound like you've done that yet, maybe you have, but the hype gains momentum when your friends, work pals, everyone keep this in mind and surprise you with a thought about it. It's lovely and costs nothing. But people need to know and then offers of help will appear. Because everyone knows how ridiculously expensive weddings can be. Thankfully, weddings also inspire generosity, so let people help. And they will.

You then need your OH to understand that this is your wedding too and you need to have some part in the planning. His previous marriage should most definitely not be a reason to exclude you. It's your day. Yours. All day.

Am I right that the basics have yet to be decided, where and on what date? This is good, you can have your say. It cannot possibly happen in the area you live in, that's a given and needs to be respected. If you want a registry office, find the nicest one you can, loads of them are lovely. Or a small town or village hall. Or a pretty grden somewhere. Then a house party that someone else hosts, maybe? This is one way to keep the costs down. There are loads of others, look on here. Get everyone involved and who knows how it will unfold? You can make it spectacular.

My guess is that other things are getting you down right now, your job, the place you live, and now you are getting married you are missing your dad. More hugs. :grouphug: So, you need to start putting your own team together. Ask someone to give you away, someone who loves you, someone who it will mean a lot to. Ask a friend to be your bridemaid/best person/whatever you want to call it. Have a team just for you and they will help you through all the ups and downs, they really will.

Best of luck with it all. I hope you feel better soon. xx

skogar

First of congratulations and big hugs.

The registry office weddings can be as cheap as £50 but it's £30 each to give notice so the cheapest you can do it for is about £110. There are various limitations on number of guests, days and times available but each registry office seems to have different rules. You usually can't get the cheap rate on a Saturday / quite a few limit the guests to 2 witnesses. A Saturday and lots of guests and the prices can get much greater. Also the registry offices themselves vary tremendously. The one in my town is in a very boring modern building but the one in the next town is in a lovely old building in a park and it's cheaper. The one in the town where I work is nice but considerably more expensive. I am going to a wedding in the summer at a registry office on a Friday, I think they are limited to 10 guests but again that was £50 and it's in an impressive looking old house - will look great on the photos so shop around and see what there is at the different registry offices near you.

As for trying your dress on - if he doesn't want to see it you will have to send him out when you try it on. Or could you go round to a friend's to try it on?

What sort of wedding do you want? Lots of guests for a reception or just a few of you. I've been to plenty of weddings where the food was made by friends of the family or where everyone was asked to bring a plate of something for a buffet. Usually you get a really good spread - a lot more interesting than a boring "wedding meal" in a restaurant. Paper plates and disposable cups and off you go. You could even ask if a few people could bring some of those rather than a plate of food. Don't worry too much about the amount you have to spend. I've been to lots of weddings and can assure you that the best weddings I've been to certainly weren't the most expensive. In fact some of the best I've been to were done on a very tight budget.

I'm sure you can come to some arrangement about the best man / person to give you away. You'll have to sit down together and rack your brains for suitable people. You may need a compromise on the divorce papers thing. Could you agree to do half each?

savvy

Awwwww I had to laugh...........not at your predicament, but because you and your situation sound SO much like me!!!! In the end I gave up with it all, really couldn't be bothered with all the hassles and palavar, then I had a panic in a hotel room that was set up for one of though very pink, very flouncy weddings - I freaked and had to get out ASAP!!! So happy now we haven't bothered....although he keeps hinting, and I keep making excuses :rotfl:

BUT I can see you haven't got to that place yet, and really want to do this, so let's all help you hey Have you gone through the budget weddings thread and got any ideas??

Ungrateful_Mare wrote: »

Sat here trying not to cry.

DON'T do it, it's a complete waste of your time and energy

Ungrateful_Mare wrote: »

I couldn't even see him, much less get the Wow feeling of somebody going down on one knee and proposing.

Hey now, some people never even get asked at all and wish they could, how it happened doesn't reeeeally matter in the grand scheme of things, it at least happened :T

Ungrateful_Mare wrote: »

It's now March and I'm not allowed to have a cheap silver engagement ring because he can't afford to buy one. He's self employed. Well, would be if he could get any work or people would pay him on time when he does.

I hear you, have the exact same situation.........except I'm sat here wearing a very expensive (to me!) platinum bespoke ring......that I paid for as he never had the money in the end, money gone that I wish I hadn't bothered to do, would have rather have gone snowboarding twice with it instead! :rotfl:

Ungrateful_Mare wrote: »

He asked the person I wanted to give me away (my Dad died years ago) to be his best man without telling me what he was thinking.

Well now you don't have to follow the traditional ways, my aunt had two best men just for her, so there were three at the wedding in total. Is there any reason why that person couldn't give you away, then nip to the other side of the altar and become the best man too?? Think outside the box and make the situation work for you both, also saves on a fish and chips after or whatever you want to do afterwards, if at all?? ;)

Ungrateful_Mare wrote: »

He needs to get a copy of his divorce papers because he's lost them, but can't afford to do it. He won't let me pay for them.

Okay you may have to be sneaky with this one, is there a family member (or that best man person) that will 'loan' him the money, but you pay them the money for it?

Ungrateful_Mare wrote: »

He really wants to organise everything because his ex and her family left him feeling like a spare part from the moment he asked her.

Yeah I could understand this, BUT then what you need to make him realise is that he's now doing that to you! What I would do is list out all the things that have to be sorted etc, and choose which ones you each do, and select some that need to be joint decisions that you both have input on.

Ungrateful_Mare wrote: »

I've bought a cheap dress that is shoved at the back of the wardrobe still in its plastic bag from Amazon. It's nice, but it's a £25 dress bought online. I can't take it out and try it on because he is always in when I get back from work and he says I'll have to buy a new one if he sees even a bit of it.

Right well I would tell him if HE sees it, and you apparently have to have a new one if he does, then HE will have to pay for it.....pretty sure he won't look then Got a friend or work colleague that will let you iron it etc nearer the day or on a day that you want to try it on? That can't be too hard surely, I don't have much in the way of family either, and only have a couple of friends, but know I could go borrow their iron and try clothes on at theirs......would save mine getting covered in dog fur here :rotfl:

Ungrateful_Mare wrote: »

I've been looking up the prices for registry office things. I can't stand the idea of marrying here. And then there's the paperwork,

Yep can empathise with you, didn't fancy the reg office either.......BUT you want this it seems, and if you really want to do this, you may have to just go with it. Maybe one day when you two are a bit more flusher, you could have a blessing or renew your vows somewhere nicer. Many people have done that when they couldn't afford a nicer place.

Ungrateful_Mare wrote: »

I can't afford to take time off work unpaid, no honeymoon as work would refuse permission anyway - and we can't afford anything, wedding rings and shoes, a bunch of flowers, getting somebody to do something with my horrible hair and the cost of the bus fare home again.

Again.....the honeymoon can come later, or lots of people ask for donations towards one now instead of presents they don't need as they already live together. Even a short UK weekend away would do for now (check out the deals on the UK holiday boards etc), that's what most of our parents and grandparents etc, did back in the day. It's not the most important aspect of it all

Again better wedding rings could come later down the line, or a really nice eternity ring instead? Personally I like plain classic styles and they are cheaper too, he doesn't need to have one so that could cut the cost? Flowers can be cheaper than what you think, loads of tips in the cheaper wedding thread. Shoes can be cheap online etc, and then dolled up with clips etc, bus fare, well I'm sure his family would chip in with that, OR somebody might offer to taxi you there and back etc?

Yep hair, can agree with you there!!! Mine has fallen out twice after a car accident, so I will no longer have the flowing locks I'd like for a wedding :( but hey ho, got to make the best of what you have - go get a haircut and colour you want from a hairdressing college, very cheap or use Groupon like I do for cheap offers. Then if you can't find one for hair up or afford it, practise, and practise - check out You Tube tutorials, video yourself doing your style so you don't forget etc, but I'm sure there must be somebody you know that could help you do the back if you struggle, and the same with your make up, just keep practising it.

Ungrateful_Mare wrote: »

I didn't think anybody would ever want to marry me, I love him very much, but I really wish I could have had a romantic proposal, one I could have seen, I want to wear a dress that costs more than my bus pass, I want to look pretty for once in my life. but I just can't see how to afford all this in a million years, never mind eight months. And I'm going to be there all on my own. At least he has family that would come if we could afford to pay for guests.

I'm not looking for thousands of pounds of stuff. I want to feel special, have flower petals thrown at me (I'm going to collect and dry them myself over the summer)

The fact you love him very much, is what you should be focussing on the most.......not all the wedding 'stuff', traditions and expectations, strip that back and it's the love that's left, focus on that :cool: I'd rather have a solid love and relationship with a cheap wedding, than spend eyewatering thousands of pounds on 'stuff' just for one day, then split up after say 2 years and that debt still needs to be paid off :eek: I've seen that happen so many times, what's the point???? :(
Send me an invite and I'll throw my dried rose petals all over you, I was doing a similar thing.......but as I say, can't be bothered with it all :cool::rotfl:

Ungrateful_Mare wrote: »

Can somebody give me a kick?

Hopefully I have now? Seriously young lady, don't get caught up in the consumer trap when you don't need to, think about the love and that this is a celebration of that, not a photshoot for Vogue or a celeb wedding, leave all that hype to those that can afford to throw away £20K just for ONE day of showing off ;)

amyharding

Congratulations.