Cherry takes the reins

Cherryfudge

NSD for me, but DH bought me a book while at his volunteering so I have that to add to my mountain next to the computer. It's about upholstery, so it will be interesting and might be useful.

The book mountain has moved - by about 15". That gives me a little more space, and the foothills on the other side of the computer are significantly reduced. I've washed a pillow of DS2's which refused to spin dry so is now pegged on the line under a waterproof as it's bucketing down but the pillow will drip on the floor if brought indoors. I also scrubbed a waffle maker of his which was definitely in need of it, in the hope he will use it again. Then again, I went through a load of stuff he'd chucked out and most of it wasn't bin-worthy so is being recycled. Was I wrong? My take on it is that he threw it away but there are clothes that can be washed and donated, and paper has gone in the recycling. I did recycle a few charger cables in my own direction as they are an older style but will be backup for my Kindle charger cable. 

I got side tracked a few times, of course. I've done a bit in the garden while it wasn't raining. I signed into the Union website, investigated their dental care policy (can't use it till my NHS place comes up, so will have to pay fully for my next check up) and generally had a mosey round their website. I did some cleaning, including a frame that DH has donated to me for a beautiful certificate that belonged to my Dad. I'm hoping he'll help me frame it later.

I've tipped out all the handbag stuff and put it in a summer bag, and also washed out the interchangeable liner that theoretically means I can do a quick change of essentials between bags. This only work with larger bags of course. I hadn't properly emptied the summer bag and when I did, I found a Yeokens token which I've put on their website and promptly spent the points on the garden items raffle.

I've diarised a run for Wednesday (hopefully. At least a reminder is set). One of my sidetracks was to look for my pencil case but it's really gone to ground so I told myself sternly to use whatever biro came to hand because I finally got back to my Bible app and wanted to make a note of something. What else? I've bagged up and labelled a newly cleaned duvet of DS2's so it can be stored. Dinner, as mentioned earlier, was the leftover liver and bacon casserole with the addition of chickpeas, spinach and peppers. That worked nicely and creates a bit of storage space.

39 'paper decisions' have been made in addition to DS's papers, and DH has put a portable heater in the loft. Apparently we lent it to DD at some point and she found it while tidying her loft and sent it back to us via DS2. Family networking at its best, not that I'd even remembered she had it.

So, nothing dramatic but progress has been made. Now I need to update my CC payments to avoid charges if possible, and see what else is to hand to do.

Cherryfudge

Yesterday was gloriously warm and sunny, and I had DGD from eleven till five. Both of us had a good time and I'm thinking of buying her a shower curtain so the water play doesn't ruin their laminate floors.  

My friend had to work in the evening so our meeting was called off. This was okay, actually, because I was tired but also wanted to push on with the huge online questionnaire which might help identify autistic traits. In fact, it was the bits I'd already done - on sensory areas - that was the most helpful. I spent ages taking notes as it's a pilot project and they want feedback, but when I got on to the next part it was all about my study skills and whether I needed help with those. I don't know if I could have avoided that section altogether, but it certainly wasn't what I need help with, though useful to students I expect. The last section I tackled was very confusing as it was about my mental health over the last six months. I didn't know how to answer it as three of those months were very stressful at work, and three were much more relaxed on sick leave.

So I have a couple of jobs for later: ring for a renewed sick note and email the questionnaire team to ask what stance to take on the mental health assessment.

I stayed up till about 1.30 to finish this: I need the quiet to focus but of course it's not good for me and I know DH worries when I don't get to bed.

Yesterday's spending was £1.99 on a plastic frying pan and garish plastic vegetables for DGD - she seemed to like them and I discovered afresh that it's hard to wheel a pram while pretending to nibble plastic broccoli and not run into fellow shoppers.

This morning was my phone appointment with the NHS Talking Therapies team, which was quite stressful as it feels as though if I don't get it right I might miss an opportunity, but again I had to explain that my issues are work-centred and won't really be reflected in how I felt in the last two weeks. However she did spend 50 minutes, is calling me back tomorrow after discussion with her supervisor and has referred me to their employment support service, so I think she understood where I was coming from. If I get therapy through this service it will be CBT to look at processing trauma and workplace changes.

I really feel inundated with therapy stuff at the moment but one of the things this psychologist said to me is that they try to limit how many things people are on at once because there's a limit to what people can process and also there's a risk of conflicting approaches. As my current counselling finishes soon, that aspect will reduce but right now there's just so much! At least this morning's call has shown me I'm significantly stressed about returning - or not returning - to work, so I know I'm right in going for that next sick note.

So what's happening the rest of the day? I have an appointment at Jobcentre Plus to talk to the person who does disability advice. Quite how I got there without a diagnosis, I don't know, but it won't hurt to be informed. Then I have no more appointments till... tomorrow morning.

I will probably go on to look round the market and might just give in to temptation on a couple of cookery books I saw in a charity shop yesterday but walked away from.

Sun_Addict

I hope you can get some answers or pointers to the way forward soon. Interestingly I did a survey for Prolific which suggested I may have ADHD. Although this would explain my constant flitting between tasks, constantly being on the go and inability to concentrate for long on anything, I haven’t taken it any further for now. 

Cherryfudge

That's interesting @Sun_Addict, I had no idea surveys could be anything but marketing! I don't know anything about ADHD really but I'm reading Gabor Mate's book on ADD: very readable and I recognise some of the concentration issues in myself though not the whole picture.

Cherryfudge

It's been a bit of a day: the Jobcentre lady was nice and has outlined various sources of support I might be eligible for, but I was really shocked when she suggested I apply for PIP. Apparently anyone can - and what chance I'd stand I really don't know, but it wasn't something I'd ever thought of for me. I felt really down afterwards. I walked through town and didn't buy anything, not even the cookery books because when I went back and looked at them, they didn't seem worth taking precious space. I also got caught in the rain so by late afternoon I was chilled as well as tired. I went to bed with a hot water bottle and got some sleep.

DH came in with salmon for tea and we had an evening meeting at church. I really didn't want to talk about my day when he first got in, and the meeting was a bit busy for me (in fact someone said to me that when they saw there were a lot of people, they wanted to make a run for it, so I wasn't the only one!) but I decided to try to stick it out and that worked well because I adjusted and ended up enjoying it (I think the other person did too). DH and I walked home so I had time to talk to him and explain something of what I'm thinking. I've sent off for another sick note but I feel the time has come to plana step towards getting back inside the usual workplace (not just the quiet office I had the other day). I think I might initially experience it as I did this evening's meeting but once I've got used to whoever's in there at the same time, I will relax.

Tomorrow is the call back from Talking Therapies so I'll find if they think I'm suitable for their groups. Oh, and a friend came up to me this evening to say she really enjoyed some of the funny things I say on a WhatApp group we're both in, so that was nice. She's also said I'd make a good PA as I remember things about people but as I said to her, its the autistic mind that gives me a different view from other people. It was so lovely of her to take the trouble and go out of her way to say that.

So, another NSD and I feel more positive than I did, having decided to be proactive about getting back through the doors at work.

WelshmansDaughter

Regarding the mental health point of view, the stance I would take is that you experience fear/anxiety etc at the thought of going back to work.
Re the PIP- you're paying for things to help you live in the world that is designed for other people. Like expensive loop earplugs. Take the money if you can get it. 

Cherryfudge

Thanks, @WelshmansDaughter, that's a good perspective. I hadn't thought about the earplugs as a cost-able expense but of course they are, and nearly all the stress/fear/anxiety is about going back to work, very little else has so much impact. In fact, I keep explaining this to various mental health people: how I feel now is not typical because I'm not in my work environment. To get a proper assessment that has to be taken into account.

WelshmansDaughter

There are a number of things that you maybe don't think about. You might pay more for specific brands, have to go to specific places, wear particular clothes. If you're like me you might end up buying things that might work just to get out of the shop. 
@savingholmes wrote about her pip application on her old diary

Cherryfudge

Today turned into a good day: the psychologist rang me and did a further twenty questions (literally) then announced she is referring me to her 'high intensity' colleague for trauma counselling. It will be months till there's an appointment and the treatment is a lot more sessions than I've had so far, but it's what I feel I need, and it's gratifying to know that's been recognised. I'm hoping that afterwards I will go back stronger, and I also hope that will show my employer the extent of workplace trauma. I'm only sorry it wasn't there for colleagues who've left under the strain.

So I celebrated by talking to three neighbours who happened to be out and about, then I washed the car and mowed the lawns before the deluge happened. I didn't give an account of why I'm off work, just chatted. The new lady up the road seems to be on a similar wavelength to me so I'm glad I've met her. I could tell all this activity was just me being on a bit of a high, and I needed to slow down, which is what I'm doing now.

I need to go back to my work emails and have a look at this proposed handy/person gardening job, if it's still open. Yes, I've  been thinking twice about it but if it were just the gardening part, it would be good. I wonder if the colleague who's also considering it would like a job share?

Cherryfudge

Turns out the job has closed already, it must only have been reopened for a week. I guess I was thrown by someone I know wanting it (he's a good handy person too), but I'm sorry it now looks as though I won't get to do the gardening. I can see that would only have been an interim solution, though.

I spent ages deleting work emails and sent one to the manager to be sure I've told her all developments, and I had a look through current job vacancies just in case there was a perfect one that would solve everything. I did find one interesting one for which I'm semi-qualified. It requires level 1 BSL which I don't have: I can sign slightly but only finger spelling in BSL. I use a bit of Makaton at work but again, only basics. However, there are other aspects of the job where I think I could be a strong candidate. DH wasn't very encouraging: he thinks there might be an internal candidate. Anyway, as he said, he thought my goal was to get back into my usual job. I think I'm subconsciously looking for a way out to avoid facing up to it!

It's rained hard all afternoon but cheered up later so DH and I went for a walk this evening. Nearly all the trees are in leaf and there are lots of flowers in the gardens. When we got home DH moved the car so we could cut the front hedge. I'll have that to finish tomorrow but it's tidier than it was. It's a holly and has a lot of flowers this year so I've left as many on as possible. You wouldn't believe I'd cleaned the car and swept the area at lunchtime, though. The rain and the pigeons have brought down lots of bits off the cherry tree and the car is liberally sprinkled with them.

The only spending has been £6 for the window cleaner. Tea was a chicken chasseur made from things we already had. Tomorrow needs to include food shopping but not on a massive scale.