Another argument about money

LabRatty

Hi,

Difficult for you.

Definitely agree with the above two posts. Whatever you have been saying to him re needing to cut back, all he sees is that everything is still OK due to you bailing him out - therefore he sees no reason to change.

Would he agree to a joint bills arrangement as Ada describes? If so, great. Tell him clearly that you are worn down by his unwillingness to help and that from now on he is responsible for managing his own repayments. At very least this means he sees how much is on the statement each time!

If he won't agree to putting money into a shared bills account, consider doing it the other way and opening a new current account in your name only. Move everything over your agreed joint spend into it and use it to begin to deal with your part of the problem - you may find it easier to do your bit if you can actually see a difference.

How much of the debt is in your/his/joint names? On the upside, if the cards are maxed out, there's a limit to how much more he can add to them....

All the best,
LR

-taff

Does he know how close you came to losing everything the last time? Ar you near that now? Did he change the last time?

How do you work your finances at the moment?

You should work out a budget, see where you are spending all the money, see how much you need to set aside for joint bills, open your own account for your own debts.

Use a budgeting tool you're happy with, whether that's spreadsheets or pen and paper or an app. Include monthly amounts for yearly expenses like house insurance, MOT, that kind of thing so you have an accurate picture of what has to go out each month or be saved each month.

EssexHebridean

There's some really good advice here - I agree with those who are suggesting that by "making sure his repayments get met" you're effectively enabling him to carry on.

"If it were me" then I'd have one last go at bringing home the extent of the problem - but not by talking. Take a sheet of A4 paper, and a (preferably red) marker pen. Write down the total amount of ALL your debt in big letters, make sure the minus sign ahead of it is really clear - and then leave it somewhere that you know he will see it when you would expect him to be in a good frame of mind. Then sit and wait and see what is said.

In the meantime though, I'd separate out the debts into three piles - anything that is solely yours, anything that is solely his, and then those that you are both party to. Ignore the second pile - they're nothing to do with you, but pile 1 & 3 are important as if the Ess Aitch Eye Tea hits the fan then YOU are liable for that lot. Start working out a plan of action for tackling the stuff that gives you a problem - that is your priority. Working out your bank accounts so that the essential stuff is separate from the non essential stuff sounds like a good plan too.

MoodyMel

foolofbeans wrote: »

Yes consolidating or we get a windfall which tides us over. We really got close to losing everything and then were accepted for this loan which I didn't expect. In some ways I wish we had got to the end though. DH just never seems to get the enormity of our debt problem.
I find it difficult to do things for my own benefit only. I recently defaulted on a loan and yet I have ensured that all his repayments are up to date. I just wish the partnership worked both ways.
I must admit it's not all DH. I waste money too and it's probably worse because I know I'm doing it and justify it with the fact that until he stops smoking and spending £££'s at the pub and darts nights why should I scrimp on groceries and providing for the children?
Unfortunately I don't think it is possible to tackle joint debts unless both parties are on board.
Thank you for your reply though, it's reassuring to know someone is listening to my moaning!

It is so hard to do it on your own. Can I just ask though, why are you ensuring HIS payments are up to date? Let him do it himself.

It sounds as though you have a separate finance type system going on, if not then maybe now is the time to start. If he won't listen to you or pay any attention to the amount of money he is spending, let him just spend his own...if he runs out then tough, if he defaults on his own phone or whatever, then tough! He will quickly learn to take responsibility if it affects his lifestyle

All meant with the best intentions btw

I have my own issues with my useless husband

FatVonD

Just a thought but, for any joint credit can you ask for the cards to be cancelled?

motivated

Hi foolofbeans

I can totally relate to what you have said regarding your OH. We too were in the same boat me constantly trying to juggle finances, moaning at him for not taking things seriously, us arguing constantly about me treating him like a child, I could go on. Eventually I decided I was sick of taking all the stress on my shoulders and I mentioned a DMP :eek: you would have thought I told him the world was ending. The biggest row we have ever had,went on for 2 days. Him saying how I had ruined him,sailed him up the river, I was about to ruin his credit file :rotfl: The credit file that I constantly made sure was fine. I put it in writing all of our creditors and our monthly outgoings. I compared it to what we would be paying on a DMP and how things would be so much easier for us.

Anyway I basically laid it on the line to him that either we look into it now, deal with it together or the CCs etc would be chasing us anyway as I wasn't doing it anymore and how the brown stuff was just about to hit the fan.

I contacted Stepchange a few weeks back just for advice, sat my OH down and explained it all to him he agreed to read up on some of the threads on here. We have not looked back since. honestly we are calmer, happier and are getting on great. We are even sorting the finances together now so he now feels like I'm treating him like an adult I only wish I had done it sooner.

Maybe try and get him to read up on here too.
I hope you manage to sort things out at your end.
M

foolofbeans

Thank you all for your kind, thoughtful and helpful replies. There are some really good ideas to take away and I hope to implement some of them soon.
We have no joint accounts and only water and gas are joint bills. I have prioritised his payments as I do believe we are a team and I had a low income so was not credit worthy anyway. I am going to change this though as a partnership needs to work both ways.
Part of the difficulty is that he gets paid fortnightly with a very variable income and I get paid various amounts - some monthly on the same date each month, some monthly at various dates within the first two weeks of the month and some four weekly. I like to think I'm quite good at maths but this just boggles me when it comes to budgeting! Having separate accounts also makes it difficult. I have opened another bank account so hope to allocate that for specific bills.
I like the idea of him having a separate spending money amount. I have asked numerous times that he works out how little he can manage on each month with tobacco and going out money but he never gives an answer. I think it's time I just started budgeting and he will have to make do with what's left. Feeling more positive again now.

zippygeorgeandben

Good to hear foolofbeans - more like FULL of beans now

LabRatty

Hi FoB,
Hope things are going OK.

LR

Saver-upper

Hi foolofbeans,
How is everything going?