Another argument about money

foolofbeans

So it's months (maybe a year?) since I posted on here about our debt and nothing has really changed. We got a consolidation loan that bought us some breathing space but without any debt-busting it was just delaying the inevitable.
I'm fed up of looking at our finances and wondering how to manage everything. I'm fed up of talking through my worries with DH and him nodding his head then carrying on regardless.
We've just had another argument about money which usually involves me moaning about how much we pay on frivolous things and how I want to work to get the debt down. I get the nods but no real agreement to do anything. He won't cut his credit cards up even though they are all maxed out. The latest issue is a super high mobile phone bill due to data usage. He doesn't understand why I'm mad that we spend £200+ a month on mobile phones.
I'm so exhausted by it all and feel totally alone. I'm not really expecting any answers to how do I combat debt alone when it is joint finances ..... unless you happen to have the answer :T
Just wanted to moan really and debt can make you feel so lonely

[Deleted User]

I'm sorry he is so detached from the problem, you could IF he would agree get him to write down everything he spends and that means EVERYTHING this month, then you could point out nicely how much £££ he has wasted.

zippygeorgeandben

When you have been in debt before how have you kept your head above water? By consolidating? Rarely works.. just means you end up with more debt doesn't it. Sounds like he needs to grow up, act like an adult and live within his means. Sounds like you realise it though (you've been around these parts before!)
You can moan to us as much as you want. Perhaps you could start squirreling away a bit of money yourself for a rainy day if he won't tackle the problem?

foolofbeans

zippygeorgeandben wrote: »

When you have been in debt before how have you kept your head above water? By consolidating? Rarely works.. just means you end up with more debt doesn't it. Sounds like he needs to grow up, act like an adult and live within his means. Sounds like you realise it though (you've been around these parts before!) Perhaps you could start squirreling away a bit of money yourself for a rainy day if he won't tackle the problem?

Yes consolidating or we get a windfall which tides us over. We really got close to losing everything and then were accepted for this loan which I didn't expect. In some ways I wish we had got to the end though. DH just never seems to get the enormity of our debt problem.
I find it difficult to do things for my own benefit only. I recently defaulted on a loan and yet I have ensured that all his repayments are up to date. I just wish the partnership worked both ways.
I must admit it's not all DH. I waste money too and it's probably worse because I know I'm doing it and justify it with the fact that until he stops smoking and spending £££'s at the pub and darts nights why should I scrimp on groceries and providing for the children?
Unfortunately I don't think it is possible to tackle joint debts unless both parties are on board.
Thank you for your reply though, it's reassuring to know someone is listening to my moaning!

foolofbeans

venison wrote: »

you could get him to write down everything he spends and that means EVERYTHING this month, then you could point out nicely how much £££ he has wasted.

I have done a detailed budget on Stoozing and told him the shocking amount of our debt but it never changes anything. I get tired of feeling like I'm telling a naughty child off and he gets the same glazed look the children do when they're no longer listening!

zippygeorgeandben

foolofbeans wrote: »

Yes consolidating or we get a windfall which tides us over. We really got close to losing everything and then were accepted for this loan which I didn't expect. In some ways I wish we had got to the end though. DH just never seems to get the enormity of our debt problem.
I find it difficult to do things for my own benefit only. I recently defaulted on a loan and yet I have ensured that all his repayments are up to date. I just wish the partnership worked both ways.
I must admit it's not all DH. I waste money too and it's probably worse because I know I'm doing it and justify it with the fact that until he stops smoking and spending £££'s at the pub and darts nights why should I scrimp on groceries and providing for the children?
Unfortunately I don't think it is possible to tackle joint debts unless both parties are on board.
Thank you for your reply though, it's reassuring to know someone is listening to my moaning!

That's sometimes the problem isn't it? An unexpected windfall which quickly gets forgotten about. I actually got about £1800 back last year from PPI. Ask me where it's gone? I've no idea but if I hadn't had got it, I'd be in my overdraft for sure!
Don't you like darts? Go with him. You aren't a babysitter!

sentientpoet

Not sure I can add much as I don't have experience of tackling a debt problem with a partner in that way, although it does sound like your OH has yet to come close to the lightbulb moment and I'm not sure the best way of leading him to that point. However, just wanted to say that I'm listening to your moaning too

FatVonD

In the words of Frasier Crane, 'I'm listening'

AnotherJoe

foolofbeans wrote: »

I find it difficult to do things for my own benefit only. I recently defaulted on a loan and yet I have ensured that all his repayments are up to date.

There's your answer then , stop enabling him.

ada-or-ardor

I'm not sure how you work your finances but I agree with the previous poster that you're enabling him, and maybe one way to stop this is to have a Joint account for ESSENtIAL bills (rent/mortgage, Council tax, utilities and food - the food sum being based on real receipts from the past few months) and a small buffer in case things go over. Then you each have a personal account for the rest, at which point he is purely responsible for his ridonkulous phone bills, darts and beer money etc. From the sounds of it you pool all your money jointly so his inertia is affecting the household. This way, that won't happen. He transfers his joint money to the joint account the day after pay day, then he has to service HIS debts, his half of any joint debt and all his personal spends. See how he reacts when he sees the true figure of your debt then.

It sounds like it's currently very easy for him to bury his head in the sand, but by doing this you are forcing him to wake up to the realities. If he kicks up a fuss about this change, tell him you're doing it because your finances are no longer working and something has to change, and you are not willing to let everyone suffer because he doesn't think this is a big deal. Present it to him as a win: as long as he sets up a standing order for bills to the family account, you never need nag him again and he can have whatever attitude he wants to his own debts. But you must stand by that, and let him do his own thing. I promise you, nothing you say will change anything because he doesn't want to hear it. This way, I think you'll also feel gain some feeling of control, because you can crack down on your own half of the debts, and reduce the family budget etc.

Hope that might be a workable solution! It's the only thing that means you are no longer enabling him but are also able to make some dents yourself without having to take full responsibility which will just stress you out and cause resentment both sides.

Then wait until the first month he sees a £100+ phone bill when it's coming out of HIS money. He'll be switching to GiffGaff quicker than you've ever seen him move. Currently there are no consequences to any of his behaviour because who's taking all the consequences? That would be you.

Ada

foxgloves

Ah.....now I remember conversations like those. My partner & I were both big fritteres of money in the past, had debts on CCs, 2 car loans, 1 personal loan, 2 overdrafts & a consolidation loan. We consolidated 3 times....each time was for a larger amount & was to be the 'last time'. Until it was, because I decided I wasn't happy to go on living so irresponsibly any longer. Cue the LBM! I'd had many talks with my partner about the need to sort out our finances & pay down our debt. He would always agree & talk as though we were already doing it.....then over the next couple of weeks yet another load of CDs, DVDs, box-sets etc would be delivered to our door & more bags of treats picked up on the way home from work. We could always service our debts so the extent of it never bothered him. Our finances were separate back then & we just shared mortgage & household bills, so I decided to go it alone with my debts. I cut back on all essential spending & got rid of my overdraft. Then I paid every spare bit of my money (inc ebay sales) into my loan. And you know what happened? He saw my debts starting to be eradicated & he wanted in on the action. We started having a regular monthly money meeting to see where we could save. We started meal planning & budgeying properly for food to cut out the endless top-up shops. When we had made inroads, we changed to a joint bank account & I took over all the budgeting. Each month, we have a sum of money for our personal spends. We can spend it exactly how we want, guilt-free but when it's gone, it's gone. He is an absolute convert! So I suppose I'm saying that if you forge ahead with changing your spending habits/behaviour, you will stop enabling his bad attitude to money & thete's a chance he might start to see the benefits & want to be involved.
Good luck & stay strong.
F