I knew getting married was a bad idea...

edited 28 February 2017 at 4:43PM in Weddings & Anniversaries
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*~Zephyr~**~Zephyr~* Forumite
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edited 28 February 2017 at 4:43PM in Weddings & Anniversaries
I am SO stressed out over this!

We never wanted a "wedding". The thought of it brings me out in hives. I was hoping that they would open up Civil Partnerships to opposite sex couples purely because CP's can be done behind closed doors, privately, without the blooming hoo-har that surrounds weddings. We don't want a fuss, we just wanted to do it quietly, with the minimum legal requirements and a glass of bubbly after. That's it.

So we very quietly went and booked the registry office for August. Its mid-week and at 10:30am, but its a special date for us (the 14th anniversary of when we met). We can have a maximum of 4 people with us as witnesses, which is fine, because obviously, parents and OH's kids. Then we thought we'd wander over the road to have tea in the posh hotel before going for a nice meal at lunchtime, a few drinks and then home before rush hour traffic. Simples. Exactly what we wanted.

We broke the news this weekend to the parents and my brother + SIL they live 200m away from us. My parents' reaction was "meh" but SIL was over the ruddy moon. I mean REALLY excited. Which I found embarrassing and a bit bewildering, and she immediately started looking for hotel rooms and outfits and badgering me on what I will be wearing. I AM NOT HAVING A RUDDY WEDDING DRESS!! *deep breath* I really am amazed that they want to come to be honest. Its 10:30am on a Tuesday. Who wants to travel 200 miles to stand outside a RO waiting for us to come out? I thought they'd be happy for us, say congrats and "lets go for a nice drink next time you visit".

We are supposed to tell OH's family this weekend before beginning to break the news to friends etc. But I'm dreading it. His sister is going to be even more excited than SIL. She's going to want to have a big celebration.

So my quiet little dinner for 6 is going to grow exponentially. 6 is going to become 14 easily, and that's before we tell any friends. I'm beginning to wish we'd run away to Vegas, or Gretna. I'm hyperventilating at the thought of it! Seriously considering calling the whole thing off.

How on earth do I put people off coming without upsetting anyone??
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Replies

  • DomRavioliDomRavioli
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    You tell them it is YOUR wedding, not theirs. It is YOUR choice to have a small wedding, and if they cannot respect that, then not to come to any celebrations.

    Sounds harsh, but you have to stand your ground and stick to your guns - family are terribly manipulative.
  • MojisolaMojisola Forumite
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    *~Zephyr~* wrote: »
    I was hoping that they would open up Civil Partnerships to opposite sex couples purely because CP's can be done behind closed doors, privately, without the blooming hoo-har that surrounds weddings.

    So we very quietly went and booked the registry office for August.

    So can weddings. All the hoo-har is optional.

    It's not too late for you to change the date. You can ask for a couple of workers at the RO to be your witnesses so no-one needs to know about it until it's over and you are married.
  • edited 28 February 2017 at 12:58PM
    TonyMMMTonyMMM Forumite
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    edited 28 February 2017 at 12:58PM
    Weddings in E/W can't be behind closed doors and can't be done in secret.

    That doesn't mean you have to tell anyone the date though - just that the details will be on a noticeboard somewhere when you give notice (to allow people to object) and then another notice will be on view in the register office on the day with your ceremony details on and (in theory) anyone can attend.
  • MojisolaMojisola Forumite
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    TonyMMM wrote: »
    Weddings in E/W can't be behind closed doors and can't be done in secret.

    In practice, unless someone who knows you scours the RO listings and sees your names and turns up on the day, your marriage can be private.
  • *~Zephyr~**~Zephyr~* Forumite
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    Mojisola wrote: »
    So can weddings. All the hoo-har is optional.

    It's not too late for you to change the date. You can ask for a couple of workers at the RO to be your witnesses so no-one needs to know about it until it's over and you are married.

    I REALLY don't want to change the date. Its a special date for us. And the bans have already been read and it's all paid for.

    It really is astonishing how people invite themselves to weddings! You tell them you're getting wed and they immediately assume that you are inviting them and start arranging ruddy accommodation!

    DomRavioli (ace name!) you are SO right. They are terribly manipulative.

    It's too late to not tell anyone else. The cat is out of the bag. We can't go ahead with my parents, brother and SIL and not tell OH's sister - she would be terribly hurt.
  • 7roland87roland8 Forumite
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    You'll need to say that you aren't having more guests - and the quicker you tells sister in law etc the better. Its not their day so don't let people take over. We organised ours in a week and there was only 8 in total - do what you want.
    Otherwise you'll have a horrid few months and end up with 50+ guests.


    No one pestered us so maybe we were just lucky - or are people different these days?
    Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us every day. -- Sally Koch
  • 7roland87roland8 Forumite
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    Debt-free and Proud!
    Cannot you just have the four parents and leave it at that - have siblings for a meal another time.
    Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us every day. -- Sally Koch
  • *~Zephyr~**~Zephyr~* Forumite
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    7roland8 wrote: »
    Cannot you just have the four parents and leave it at that - have siblings for a meal another time.

    There's only my parents, OH's have both passed. We're having my parents and his daughter and her partner at the RO because we're only allowed 4.

    It's the rest of the day that I'm worried everyone else will try and muscle in on.
  • elsienelsien Forumite
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    Ok, so now you've told your family you need to tell his. But that doesn't mean you need to tell friends or anyone else. Why is 6 going to become 14? You, parents and siblings/partners if they want to come.
    Keep the date and be more assertive about what you want, no dresses, no fuss just a simple meal with close family. And that's it.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
  • lika_86lika_86 Forumite
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    Don't tell your friends until after you're married. What do you have to gain from it?

    Also, 12 family members isn't too bad. Why not book a private dining room somewhere and say that if those few people want to come along that's fine but in lieu of a gift they could contribute to the meal.
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