Custody arrangements for older children after divorce

I_told_you_so

I think he doesn't as such have an end game.
He just doesn't want to pay the amount he has been asked to pay as he can't afford to or thinks it is too much. He tried to argue the amount of times he has them first at all and when he couldn't get any further discounts he tried something else.
I have no problem with her living there, but I am deeply concerned about the reasons and the environment she will be in.
It is of course easy to say 'don't mention his mental illness and bankruptcy' as he can still look after a child. OK, as long as he takes his medication. He has one unsuccessful suicide attempt already. He tried to overdose on tablets.
If something was to happen to her whilst in his care, would I be responsible because I didn't try to intervene and because I didn't tell anybody about his mental health issues ? I think I would probably be blamed by a lot of people. Because I knew and didn't do anything. Because I didn't stop her.
On the other hand will I be blamed for trying to stop her, as she is old enough to decide for herself.
But is she really capable of making such a decision ? Should she be allowed to make this decision under these circumstances ?
I think I am the one to blame either way. That's my problem.
Obviously I will worry whether she will be registered with a GP, a dentist and all those nitty gritty things. Whether she will get to school on time and back safely.
I would worry about this, but only time will tell whether those worries are justified or not. If they were, then I am to blame I guess.
I cannot win either way in this scenario.

I_told_you_so

She is in year 11, she is starting her GCSE exams shortly.

tensandunits_2

I think the one-month trial run would be a good idea. It may not even last that long if her living there is likely to be as problematic as you are saying it is.

copperclock

I_told_you_so wrote: »

I think he doesn't as such have an end game.
He just doesn't want to pay the amount he has been asked to pay as he can't afford to or thinks it is too much. He tried to argue the amount of times he has them first at all and when he couldn't get any further discounts he tried something else.
I have no problem with her living there, but I am deeply concerned about the reasons and the environment she will be in.
It is of course easy to say 'don't mention his mental illness and bankruptcy' as he can still look after a child. OK, as long as he takes his medication. He has one unsuccessful suicide attempt already. He tried to overdose on tablets.
If something was to happen to her whilst in his care, would I be responsible because I didn't try to intervene and because I didn't tell anybody about his mental health issues ? I think I would probably be blamed by a lot of people. Because I knew and didn't do anything. Because I didn't stop her.
On the other hand will I be blamed for trying to stop her, as she is old enough to decide for herself.
But is she really capable of making such a decision ? Should she be allowed to make this decision under these circumstances ?
I think I am the one to blame either way. That's my problem.
Obviously I will worry whether she will be registered with a GP, a dentist and all those nitty gritty things. Whether she will get to school on time and back safely.
I would worry about this, but only time will tell whether those worries are justified or not. If they were, then I am to blame I guess.
I cannot win either way in this scenario.

I'm on your side. I'm just suggesting that focusing on his past mental health and financial issues might not be the way to go.

I understand that you feel that you can't win either way. If I were in your position I would find it hard not to feel personally offended and worried about how I would be perceived, regardless of the outcome. That said, the most important thing is your daughter's welfare. I know you know that.

If you don't feel that it's a good idea for her to go then you have to tell her.

It's all very well trying the bus routes, having a month's trial and listening to her reasoning. They may very well be the right things to do, but you must tell her that you think it's a bad idea. Otherwise you could be having a conversation with her in 15 years time when she is asking you why you let her go so easily.

Could it even be that she wants you to say 'no'? That way she can satisfy her manipulative (as you describe him) father that she's asked, but it turns out that she can't go. My kids often use me as somebody to blame when they don't want to do something with their father. I don't mind being the 'bad guy' if it helps them out. I appreciate that this is bigger than a trip away or whatever, though.

selloptape

If you think there is a risk of neglect, that your ex partner won't be able
to meet your daughters needs then I would call the NSPCC and Social Services for advice.

oystercatcher

You are worried about this situation but seem to be afraid to say no. As you are still the parent with care and she is still 15 then say no and have a discussion on the reasons why, without being too negative about her father as she still needs to have a relationship with him.
Suggest she can try living with him after her exams if she still wants to.

If she kicks off and still insists she wants to live with her father then rethink the the arrangements but at the moment you are there to provide support and guidance and the best course of action seems pretty obvious. Obviously if she is determined to go there is little you can do to stop her but if you have a good relationship you should still have a fair bit of influence.

I think the financial issue should be seperated out, surely what is most important is firstly your child's safety and secondly her performance in her GCSE's in just a few months. Can you manage without the maintenance payments ? I totally think NRP should support their children but the child's safety must come first and I also think those GCSE's are very important too, it might be worth compromising on the financial agreement just for the sake of your daughters exam results ?

FBaby

But is she really capable of making such a decision ? Should she be allowed to make this decision under these circumstances ?

Of course she is old enough to make that decision. Maybe her reasons are that she finds you over-protective but won't tell you. Don't jump assuming she was manipulated by her dad. Even if he talked to her into it for his own benefits, she is certainly old enough to be able to decide whether she would happier there or with you.

Her moving with her dad doesn't stop you being her mum though. I assume she will continue to come and visit regularly, so keep an eye on her and be supportive. For all you know, after she's taken the bus for a month, she'll have enough and be back.

One thing you don't mention though is what are her plans afterwards? Could it be that the college/6th form she intends to go to is nearer to her dad? After all, she doesn't have long left having at her current school until GCSEs.

Ms_Chocaholic

I'm sure this is a worrying situation for you OP but he has been having regular contact with the children and you didn't stop this on the grounds of his mental health/bankruptcy/pornography. Surely if you thought he was a danger to the children then they would not have been having contact.