Why do I feel like I have let my son down?

sourcrates

PasturesNew wrote: »

At 6 I was sharing a bedroom and happy to do that... toys fitted into one old drawer on the floor ... and I was happy if we went conkering.

Kids are happy doing "not much" in the main ... just able to fiddle/play with stuff - and go out with a parent/s/grandparents and do "not much" and maybe look at stuff/walk/pick blackberrys/fish for tiddlers with a net.

A good telly programme, game of snap with cards, some small toys to play with .... and chips for tea!

Mine are happy as long as there's wifi lol !!!

Fireflyaway

At 6 kids don't have much of a concept of money or success the way we do. If he has somewhere to live, clothes and food and feels safe he will be happy. He will however pick up on your emotions. If you feel stressed or like a failure he will realise. Its great to want to be successful but you need to give yourself credit for what you have achieved and your son needs to learn that too. You can help him be successful with money once he is old enough too. In what respect do you feel you have let him down? Do be careful not to get fixated with the money aspect. Kids need to have time with their parents and money can't replace that. Kids also need to know you can have fun without money. If they equate money with love or enjoyment they could easily get into debt or be unhappy if they can buy what they want immediately when they are older.

SkintTeacher

determined_new_ms wrote: »

parental guilt is crippling, a lot of people feel it for a variety of reasons, always associated with having too high standards for ourselves and beating ourselves up over things that we feel have contravened these standards.

Examine it and let it go. The most important thing any parent can give their child is strong attachments which will see them from cradle to grave. Build emotional intelligence through loving support and evidence shows your children will do better in life. In order to be fully *there* for your child you need to let go of this guilt. All the other stuff doesn't really matter

:T:T:T:T:T:T:T very very very well said :T:T:T:T:T

LabRatty

In addition to what's already been said, it seems to me that this guilt regarding your son is likely to be a hangover from the more general feelings already expressed re guilt around getting into debt. Your love for him then becomes a lightning conductor for these feelings.

Are you a worrier in general? Have you previously had a tendency to overthink/expand problems? If so, getting some help with this level of anxiety might be beneficial - start with simple relaxation techniques and see how you go. Alternatively, put some music on low on headphones or read a book - distraction is a good technique. The night is always the time that our fears and stresses jump up and bite us!

Also, please don't fall into the trap of giving him everything he could possibly desire in compensation for this guilt. Some kids are acquisitive and some are happy with very little, but it's really counterproductive to feed the former tendency by providing everything (and more) on a plate. As already stated, kids need to learn that not everything that they want is immediately available to them, that they tend to value more that which they have saved up for and worked towards, and that there is not an endless supply of money available to their parents either.

Now they are older, some of our children's happiest memories are of being allowed to do simple things which treated them as more responsible than their peers and let them develop their individuality. Sleeping in a tent in the garden alone for a few nights in early spring was one; learning to drill holes in a bit of wall at the back of the garage was the beginning of a lifetime of practical skills for another child. Using my sewing machine to try and follow a line drawn on paper was popular, as well as providing a valuable lesson in the sharpness of needles;). Our youngest, supported by OH, enjoyed dismantling broken stuff and is now studying engineering...

Relax, and support your son in developing his interests and individuality and enjoy him while he's small - time passes very quickly.

All the best,
LR

worriedDan

LabRatty wrote: »

In addition to what's already been said, it seems to me that this guilt regarding your son is likely to be a hangover from the more general feelings already expressed re guilt around getting into debt. Your love for him then becomes a lightning conductor for these feelings.

Are you a worrier in general? Have you previously had a tendency to overthink/expand problems? If so, getting some help with this level of anxiety might be beneficial - start with simple relaxation techniques and see how you go. Alternatively, put some music on low on headphones or read a book - distraction is a good technique. The night is always the time that our fears and stresses jump up and bite us!

Also, please don't fall into the trap of giving him everything he could possibly desire in compensation for this guilt. Some kids are acquisitive and some are happy with very little, but it's really counterproductive to feed the former tendency by providing everything (and more) on a plate. As already stated, kids need to learn that not everything that they want is immediately available to them, that they tend to value more that which they have saved up for and worked towards, and that there is not an endless supply of money available to their parents either.

Now they are older, some of our children's happiest memories are of being allowed to do simple things which treated them as more responsible than their peers and let them develop their individuality. Sleeping in a tent in the garden alone for a few nights in early spring was one; learning to drill holes in a bit of wall at the back of the garage was the beginning of a lifetime of practical skills for another child. Using my sewing machine to try and follow a line drawn on paper was popular, as well as providing a valuable lesson in the sharpness of needles;). Our youngest, supported by OH, enjoyed dismantling broken stuff and is now studying engineering...

Relax, and support your son in developing his interests and individuality and enjoy him while he's small - time passes very quickly.

All the best,
LR

Thank you so much for this reply. You are correct, I do suffer from anxiety. It is something that I have dealt with for many years, along with depression. I have had it under control for the last 4.5 years but I have definitely noticed that I have 'slipped' in recent days. It hasn't been helped by having this week off work. I need to be busy and in a routine.

My son just came to say good night to me and to tell me loves me. He does this every night and usually tells me that I am the best dad in the world!! This is all that I really need to hear. I know deep down that he hasn't suffered due to my debts BUT he does need a dad who isn't preoccupied and racked with anxiety, so I will definitely work on that... it might take a while!!

peaceandfreedom

worriedDan wrote: »

Thank you so much for this reply. You are correct, I do suffer from anxiety. It is something that I have dealt with for many years, along with depression. I have had it under control for the last 4.5 years but I have definitely noticed that I have 'slipped' in recent days. It hasn't been helped by having this week off work. I need to be busy and in a routine.

My son just came to say good night to me and to tell me loves me. He does this every night and usually tells me that I am the best dad in the world!! This is all that I really need to hear. I know deep down that he hasn't suffered due to my debts BUT he does need a dad who isn't preoccupied and racked with anxiety, so I will definitely work on that... it might take a while!!

worriedDan, I've been following your posts for the past couple of days and it is clear you are a worrier. You also do a nice line in beating yourself up. While you seem more susceptible to this than many, I think it comes with the territory when we become parents. I am guilty of this myself, I've made so many mistakes, but since we can't turn back the clock we can only get on with changing our future. You have got started on this a lot earlier than I did, you are going to be fine.

Your little boy loves his Dad. He doesn't care about money, he just wants to spend time with his Mum & Dad. This absolutely doesn't need to cost money (and in any case you seem to still have a fair whack to play with).

When kids are older, they don't remember with fondness the expensive gifts, they remember family time, fun, daft stuff that happens, the days out that might just involve a walk and a picnic and a kick-about with a football, or movie nights huddled together on a sofa.

Get on with paying off your debt but mentally keep it to one side while you get on with enjoying time with your family. You will be waving off your boy to uni before you know it, enjoy him while you can .