Why do I feel like I have let my son down?

worriedDan

Does anyone else feel like this?

I had a horrible night's sleep and kept waking up with my mind racing. I don't know why but I really feel like I have let my son down by being so much in debt. He is 6 years old and I adore him. When I think about it rationally I know that he has what he needs -

• A nice home
• Loving parents
• A place at a nice school
• Food!
• His own lovely bedroom with toys
• access to after school clubs, Beavers and Swimming lessons
• Holidays ( probably too many, hence the debt)
• Days out during school holidays
• 2 sets of

lovely grandparents.

I also now that after our bills, expenses ( food etc) and debts are paid, we are left with well over £1000 which I know is a strong position, despite the debt.

Why do I beat myself up like this?

parsniphead

I think many of us have felt like this. I know I have, especially when I think of my 6yr old son. Your son has everything he needs, most importantly parents who love and cherish him.

Reading your other thread you have started to sort things out and you will succeed.

I plan to use my knowledge to teach my son about finance and how to deal with money. I wish I had been taught when I was young but they were of a generation who kept money secret. I intend for my stupidity to not roll over for another generation.

Happier_Me

I am more a lurker than a poster and so have been reading your other thread.

You really need to give yourself a break, your son is just six and has everything he needs and you have a solid plan to pay back. Use your feelings as a driver to stick to your plan, not punish yourself for what has happened in the past (the build up of debt).

I think this could be a real positive for your son anyway. I was brought up by parents who were young and poor...but determined to turn this around. By the time I was in my mid 20's they had a small, successful business. But I saw their financial struggle as a child, I certainly didn't have the upbringing your son had and this drove me to pursue a good career and manage my money sensibly. On the other hand, I have cousins whose parents did exactly the same as mine (start with nothing and build up a successful business) but they did this when their children were much smaller. The kids had everything by the time they reached your sons age and were never really taught the value of money. In their 30's they are still very much financially dependent on their parents, so much so that their mum and dad are having to run a business well into retirement just to support their adult children.

So take this as an opportunity to start to teach your son the value of money. As he gets older teach him how to budget, the difference between needs and wants, that you have to work hard for your money and save and only then do you 'deserve' to treat yourself. Instill in him the understanding that you are borrowing from your future self when you get into debt.

angelpye

I get the guilt too but I think by the time my DD is a teenager and much more conscious about it I will be sorted. I agree with the comments about teaching children value...I would never forgive myself if DD grew up to be an over spender.

Might be good to keep these extra posts in your diary so easy for people to see your whole journey and therefore give a more meaningful response

Money_maker

angelpye wrote: »

I would never forgive myself if DD grew up to be an over spender.

My children very much grew up knowing the value of money and weren't 'I want' kids at all. Even so, at the age of 18-20, DS1 fell down a big financial hole. Sometimes it happens but it's not your fault. He changed jobs and earned more, worked longer which kept him from spending too much and after reaching rock bottom in the middle of last year, he's now on his way to saving a hefty deposit for a new home.


Fortunately he never quite got into the pickle that we did but having this happen so early on means he's unlikely to ever get in that position again just as we haven't.

determined_new_ms

parental guilt is crippling, a lot of people feel it for a variety of reasons, always associated with having too high standards for ourselves and beating ourselves up over things that we feel have contravened these standards.

Examine it and let it go. The most important thing any parent can give their child is strong attachments which will see them from cradle to grave. Build emotional intelligence through loving support and evidence shows your children will do better in life. In order to be fully *there* for your child you need to let go of this guilt. All the other stuff doesn't really matter

Aced2016

I used to be consumed by money. Was so driven by it, thought it was the be all and end all. But then my husband made me see its paper, it's actually disgusting and been handled so many times. He kept telling me health is wealth !

And do you know what I haven't worried once about it, it doesn't drive me at all. My kids being happy makes me happy. Look at the state of the world, and it's all down to chasing paper.

You have a healthy son, a roof over your head and food. You are richer than you'll ever know !! Your money and debt won't go with you when you die.

Stop thinking about it and enjoy what you have ! Because the things going on in this world are truly awlful and to be in your position is priceless !!

worriedDan

Thank you for all the posts. I totally agree that this guilt, albeit misplaced, should be my driving force to sort this mess out. I want to be able to save for him to go to university etc.

datlex

The reason you feel like that is you are human. You do somethings well and you make mistakes. But just remember a weekly game of ball in the park with your son is cheap, priceless and will be worth far more to him than an expensive electronic device.

angelpye

Money maker, I agree that often these things aren't our fault - I am prone to high levels of guilt but I am trying to do more of what DNM wrote about. I hope I am able to raise my child not to be a 'I want' which can be difficult when other adults in her life overindulge. I think there is a bit of debt culture in this country and young people are definitely targeted by CC companies etc. which is how a lot of us on here first starting borrowing. I guess what I meant was I am determined to become financially stable so that I can at least offer a decent role model and good advice - whether they take it is not within our control.

PasturesNew

At 6 I was sharing a bedroom and happy to do that... toys fitted into one old drawer on the floor ... and I was happy if we went conkering.

Kids are happy doing "not much" in the main ... just able to fiddle/play with stuff - and go out with a parent/s/grandparents and do "not much" and maybe look at stuff/walk/pick blackberrys/fish for tiddlers with a net.

A good telly programme, game of snap with cards, some small toys to play with .... and chips for tea!