Dan's desperate dash towards solvency

ada-or-ardor

Hi Dan, Ive been lurking reading some of your threads and wanted to wish you well on your debt free journey! I know you've mentioned you suffer from anxiety and I'm not sure if you've ever had therapy or treatment for it, but I'm sure you're aware of the "reassurance seeking" your brain craves when you're feeling anxious. I think perhaps that's why your wife snapped, and also why you feel better after telling her how crap you feel about the debt. I would suggest you take your wife's words at face value - from the very start of your posts, you mentioned that you couldn't say the actual words to her but she said that was fine; she has been resisting all long; she clearly does not want to hear the words either and is "blissful" in her ignorance. You have nothing to confess. You don't need any reassurance. It is what it is, you've told her everything she wants to know, you've broached the total figure and she is not interested. So you've done all you can; you're doing nothing wrong. Of course I appreciate that you have your own issues with the magic number, and your reaction to that is perfectly understandable - like a previous poster has said, a mindful approach would probably now be the most conducive; use the past to learn from your mistakes and create new habits, not to beat yourself up every minute of the day. Plan for the future, but not so much that you can't enjoy today. You've made some mistakes: so has everybody. Some with money, some with work, some with relationships - some with all three! But everyone has done things they regret. But please please please, while you are fighting this debt, try your hardest not to fall into the anxiety spiral of self-defeat, rumination and reassurance seeking. It feels good and comfortable in the short term, but in the long run it will just feed your anxiety and make everything 100 times worse.

Really really good luck - you've agreed to be debt-free by a certain age, and it's an age from which you can then start saving and still be young enough to reap the rewards. Those are the bits worth dwelling on. You can totally do this :-)

Ada (a fellow worrier)

boxofpaws

Dan, I think you just need to tell her the number. I think you will carry on agonising about it until you do.

I did it over dinner on Valentine's Day in a restaurant (mostly paid for with mystery shopping:money:), we were both relaxed, but having a budgeted for treat, and I said 'by the way, it's 40 grand'. He'd already guessed but we both needed the openness I think. We haven't really discussed it since but he has been really positive and encouraging about the cost savings I am making.

I think just get it out there in a short sharp burst, and move on, and ahead, together.

Bobarella

I'm so glad you had that reassurance Dan.

worriedDan

Bobarella wrote: »

I'm so glad you had that reassurance Dan.

Thank you for for your kind supportive words. I really appreciate it.

worriedDan

boxofpaws wrote: »

Dan, I think you just need to tell her the number. I think you will carry on agonising about it until you do.

I did it over dinner on Valentine's Day in a restaurant (mostly paid for with mystery shopping:money:), we were both relaxed, but having a budgeted for treat, and I said 'by the way, it's 40 grand'. He'd already guessed but we both needed the openness I think. We haven't really discussed it since but he has been really positive and encouraging about the cost savings I am making.

I think just get it out there in a short sharp burst, and move on, and ahead, together.

Hi,

I don't think I am going to mention figures for at least a few months, unless she asks ( this is unlikely). I need to concentrate on my mental health now and actually putting our budget into action! I will answer any questions honestly but I really need a break from the 'numbers'. I actually think that I have made myself quite unwell with this.

worriedDan

ada-or-ardor wrote: »

Hi Dan, Ive been lurking reading some of your threads and wanted to wish you well on your debt free journey! I know you've mentioned you suffer from anxiety and I'm not sure if you've ever had therapy or treatment for it, but I'm sure you're aware of the "reassurance seeking" your brain craves when you're feeling anxious. I think perhaps that's why your wife snapped, and also why you feel better after telling her how crap you feel about the debt. I would suggest you take your wife's words at face value - from the very start of your posts, you mentioned that you couldn't say the actual words to her but she said that was fine; she has been resisting all long; she clearly does not want to hear the words either and is "blissful" in her ignorance. You have nothing to confess. You don't need any reassurance. It is what it is, you've told her everything she wants to know, you've broached the total figure and she is not interested. So you've done all you can; you're doing nothing wrong. Of course I appreciate that you have your own issues with the magic number, and your reaction to that is perfectly understandable - like a previous poster has said, a mindful approach would probably now be the most conducive; use the past to learn from your mistakes and create new habits, not to beat yourself up every minute of the day. Plan for the future, but not so much that you can't enjoy today. You've made some mistakes: so has everybody. Some with money, some with work, some with relationships - some with all three! But everyone has done things they regret. But please please please, while you are fighting this debt, try your hardest not to fall into the anxiety spiral of self-defeat, rumination and reassurance seeking. It feels good and comfortable in the short term, but in the long run it will just feed your anxiety and make everything 100 times worse.

Really really good luck - you've agreed to be debt-free by a certain age, and it's an age from which you can then start saving and still be young enough to reap the rewards. Those are the bits worth dwelling on. You can totally do this :-)

Ada (a fellow worrier)

Thank you so much for your post. I totally agree that my anxiety is an issue. I am going to deal with this via my GP.

I do feel better now that we have a more frank and open conversation. I need a little rest from it all now I think ( not the debt busting - just the constant thinking about it!)

ada-or-ardor

A little trick that helps me at my most obsessive times is to say "I will worry about this in half an hour" or "at 19.30 every day/on the commute home I will do as much worrying as I want to, but that's it". It sounds hard but actually can be quite easy, once you've tricked your brain into obeying you rather than the other way round. You just need something else to focus on. So when a thought pops into your head and your feel yourself grasping at it to think about it again, stop yourself by saying "No, not now. I will worry about this in an hour. Now I'm going to do the washing up and plan what I need to do for the day / write that shopping list in my head /read this book". If you can do that, it can be remarkably effective. You just have to keep trying every day unfortunately! But it does sound like your brain needs a good rest :-)

Ada

worriedDan

ada-or-ardor wrote: »

A little trick that helps me at my most obsessive times is to say "I will worry about this in half an hour" or "at 19.30 every day/on the commute home I will do as much worrying as I want to, but that's it". It sounds hard but actually can be quite easy, once you've tricked your brain into obeying you rather than the other way round. You just need something else to focus on. So when a thought pops into your head and your feel yourself grasping at it to think about it again, stop yourself by saying "No, not now. I will worry about this in an hour. Now I'm going to do the washing up and plan what I need to do for the day / write that shopping list in my head /read this book". If you can do that, it can be remarkably effective. You just have to keep trying every day unfortunately! But it does sound like your brain needs a good rest :-)

Ada

I will give that strategy a go!

Hoping to have a good sleep tonight, although I just remembered a 2k BNPL deal that I didn't include in my initial calculation. thankfully I will be receiving about 2.5K this summer as I have picked up some extra work!

worriedDan

Went for an early morning jog this morning with my sister. She can read me like a book and knows that something is not right at the moment. She asked me if everything was okay so I did give her some very brief details. I told her that we had added up all the money that we owe and it was quite a bit higher than we thought. I didn't reveal the figure and I won't do that. I told her that we had a plan to pay it off within three years and that provided we stick to s budget it would be affordable.

I was worried that she would be horrified and probe for more details but he wasn't and she didn't. She said that as long as it was repairable and we could afford to pay it off then what was I worried about? But we have good jobs so whatever the amount is we can fix it.

worriedDan

She has text me twice this morning checking that I am ok! Didn't realise how much the stress was written all over my face.