Do you have to 'tell the partner'?

nkkingston

The only threads here where people don't tell their partners are because there are other problems that run much deeper, and telling their partner could potentially be dangerous for them (money is a common way for abusive partners to trap people in relationships with them). From everything you've said, I think you're worried about shame, blame, trust, and denial, but you're not scared of him. That says a lot, doesn't it? He's probably just as worried about this as you, and worried about starting the conversation for all the same reasons.

You know your partner best. You want to approach this with him in a way that works well for your communication style as a couple. That might be face to face so you can hash it out, or by email so you've got time to consider your words, or with the neutral distance of a telephone line, on a long car journey so neither of you can walk out of the conversation if you don't like where it's going... You know you. I'd recommend doing it after a meal, so no one gets hangry, and in a shared space you're comfortable in that isn't the bedroom (so you're not haunted by it come bed time). Would he respond better to a conversation about how it's making you feel, or about the cold hard facts? If you're head-in-the-sand people, you probably want to focus on carrots rather than sticks, the ways your lives will improve if you tackle this, things you want to save for in the future. Would he be reassured by some pre-prepared budgets that show how making different savings will get you out of this pickle in different amounts of time, or would he feel more in control of the debt if you drew up a budget together?

Your goals for this conversation are to explore how this debt has been built up as a household, agree that it needs to be tackled as a household, learn how it's affecting both of you emotionally as individuals and your relationship as a couple, to start on the path to a solution that suits both of you.

ratrace

Hi you need to do an SOA you see what you have coming in and going out, also you need to count up all your debt have a total so you can come up with a plan on how to deal with it

Sorry to say but burying your head in the sand wont make the debt go away it will only cause it to increase due to more interest and charges

we have all made mistakes with money so your not alone, its up to you if you want to wait untill you have a clear plan in place and then present that to your OH you know him best, and only you know what his views are on debt and money but he will need to be told at some point

also you need to reflect on why the debt has come about, was it to top up income, was it to keep up with friends/family/the joneses only you know and only you can change the reasons/mindset

good luck ill try to chip in as and when

MoodyMel

EssexHebridean wrote: »

If it was the other way round, and HE was worrying about debt, and you found out down the line that you'd been making things worse inadvertently because you didn't know the extent of the situation, how would you feel?

That may answer your question. I'm sure you've also noted that on those other threads you have read, we pretty much always advise against trying to keep it secret - the best and easiest way of tackling debt is to do it as a team.

I would feel annoyed and upset, or upset and annoyed! I'm not quite sure which emotion would take over. I would hate to feel that I had made things worse!

allthe7s wrote: »

I don't think I could keep something like that from DH, and, he wouldn't want me to. He would know something was wrong and be worried about me.

I think to make proper inrods on these debts he needs to know the extent of your problems as otherwise he is going to be adding to them, albeit unknowingly.

You are already feeling stressed with it all, some of that stress should lift once its no longer a secret.

PS also find out how much your total is, it will help you plan your next steps

I definitely need to do this. It isn't going to go away, is it? I think he half believe some of these debts have gone away, but they haven't. I have just kept tossed all the letters into the filing cabinet (or bin) I need to get this all out in the open.

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

Maybe he would not try to talk you into spending money you cannot afford if he knew the extent of the debts. You are affecting his financial credit record too as presumably you are linked on debts like mortgage, bank account or such. If you want to make a proper plan to repay the debt he needs to be on board so he needs the facts.

I think you may be onto something here. He likes to buy certain things, but he isn't completely thoughtless. I think if I had told him the complete truth years ago he would have made more effort to help get everything sorted out with me.

He sometimes says he feels like a child because he feels like he has to 'ask' for money, but he hasn't really had an income for years, so it has all been down to me in one way or another.

nkkingston

MoodyMel wrote: »

He sometimes says he feels like a child because he feels like he has to 'ask' for money, but he hasn't really had an income for years, so it has all been down to me in one way or another.

This is very common! Be his partner, not his parent Working out a budget together and using shared bank accounts will give him more confidence in knowing what's okay to spend and what isn't without having to check with you first.

abby1234519

My other half doesn't know how much we owe in total.

I have told him before but he doesn't really pay attention!

That being said, I do talk about what we've paid off, what cards have been paid off, how long we have to go till DF date etc. He's just not interested in the details.

MoodyMel

mumto2girlsandaboy wrote: »

Your last sentence says it all, you're never going to be able to sort out the situation and carry on spending and if he doesn't know, why would he stop spending? You ran up the debts together and even if he didn't realise at the time he's still as responsible for them as you. Now you need to work together to fix it.

Your right. I'm not being fair really. I'm not even giving him a chance to help.

ada-or-ardor wrote: »

Good luck MM - if it helps at all, I think most of the threads you'll read where people are in the same dilemma as you and are adamant they won't tell because their partner will leave; they all seem to end as well as possible - the partner is supportive, they don't break up, there's not loads of blame, they just fight it as a team.

For what it's worth, I think you've both been equally irresponsible through burying your head in the sand. Sure, the onus will all fall on you because you manage the money. But hey, you messed up, but he hasn't ever taken any interest, youve now identified the problem and will have a plan to fix it but I think that plan needs to involve him taking an ever-increasing responsibility for money management. I think it puts you in a strong position that you're approaching him with this problem, as opposed to him suddenly taking an interest in your finances and finding you owe a !!!! load of money.

Come back on here, start a diary, post an SOA, and people will give you tons of ideas and motivation to get this thing beat. And good luck with the conversation.

Ada

I think your right. We need to try and work this out together. I hope he gets the job that he is trying to get. That will help his self esteem and will give him his own income. I think I need to work out when will be the best time to tell him. I don't want to put him under pressure to get the job... But if I wait will he be under false illusions that he will have more money than he actually will.. he doesn't even know the outgoing of the household bills/kids clubs etc...

nkkingston wrote: »

The only threads here where people don't tell their partners are because there are other problems that run much deeper, and telling their partner could potentially be dangerous for them (money is a common way for abusive partners to trap people in relationships with them). From everything you've said, I think you're worried about shame, blame, trust, and denial, but you're not scared of him. That says a lot, doesn't it? He's probably just as worried about this as you, and worried about starting the conversation for all the same reasons.

You know your partner best. You want to approach this with him in a way that works well for your communication style as a couple. That might be face to face so you can hash it out, or by email so you've got time to consider your words, or with the neutral distance of a telephone line, on a long car journey so neither of you can walk out of the conversation if you don't like where it's going... You know you. I'd recommend doing it after a meal, so no one gets hangry, and in a shared space you're comfortable in that isn't the bedroom (so you're not haunted by it come bed time). Would he respond better to a conversation about how it's making you feel, or about the cold hard facts? If you're head-in-the-sand people, you probably want to focus on carrots rather than sticks, the ways your lives will improve if you tackle this, things you want to save for in the future. Would he be reassured by some pre-prepared budgets that show how making different savings will get you out of this pickle in different amounts of time, or would he feel more in control of the debt if you drew up a budget together?

Your goals for this conversation are to explore how this debt has been built up as a household, agree that it needs to be tackled as a household, learn how it's affecting both of you emotionally as individuals and your relationship as a couple, to start on the path to a solution that suits both of you.

Loads to take in here. Thank you for the excellent reply.

One problem is that some of the debt hasn't been serviced for a while, but it is now starting to manifest as CCJ's. Some of the debt is newer and on BNPL plans and has a few months left until it needs to be either paid off or to start making monthly payments. SO at the moment we are not actually paying 'lots' out to debts and I think it will feel like we are suddenly paying out money that we have never had to in the past.

I am not scared of him, nor is he of me. I am also not worried he will leave me. I think I am more worried that he will not want to pay some of the older debts and that I will be left to sort it out. The reason that concerns me is because that will make me feel resentful that I have been honest with him in a bid to get on top of our finances, if that makes sense.



Also, I kind of like being in charge of the finances!?
I want to suggest that we get our wages, once we both have these jobs that should be happening soon, paid into separate accounts and transfer the bill money into the joint account. We would then have everything covered (inc bills/kids clubs/savings/debts) and would have our own personal money left over to do with as we wish. I just know he will object to this idea as I have suggested similar previously. It is also how my sister and her husband do things and he has made comment int he past that it seems a strange way to do things.
However over the years our finances have been such that large lengths of time have been living off of benefits, student finance, loans, part time work etc. Not all at the same time but intermittently over the years. When it isn't money that hasn't been earned through full time work it doesn't feel as much like 'your own' money.
I also think that it might help us learn to budget our money better as all the bills etc will be covered and we will have to learn to budget what is left so we aren't running out of money.

MoodyMel

So the next question is: When is the optimum time to tell him?

He is feeling a bit stressed trying to get a job at the minute and has been on training courses etc. He is nearly finished, with just two more tasks to complete. He should have everything he needs by next week. He then needs to start phoning the big boss at the company and try to persuade him to let him start.... I don't want to make him feel any more under pressure than he already is. I also don't want to put him off doing it by making him feel like his wages are going to be swallowed up by bills/debts before he has even got them. I know this is the reality, but in his mind he is probably planning wonderful things with his new found wealth. It has taken a lot to get him to finally get off his bum and get full-time job (for various reasons) so I don't want to do anything that will jeapordise that!

However, if I put it off will I chicken out? Will it be worse hearing about it all after he has secured the job, or will that be better because he won't feel helpless to do anything about it.

I'm not saying I am perfect. I have contributed to the debt and knowing we are in debt I booked a holiday, which needs to be paid off by August! I'm a bit reckless myself and will also need to learn how to control my spending urges. However, I do know that once I start work the majority of my wages will be taken by living expense. I'm not living in a fantasy word where it costs pittance to live.

Sorry for going on a bit. It was never my intention I suppose I was hoping that I could carry on as things are and everyone would tell me that would be fine...

worriedDan

MoodyMel wrote: »

So the next question is: When is the optimum time to tell him?

He is feeling a bit stressed trying to get a job at the minute and has been on training courses etc. He is nearly finished, with just two more tasks to complete. He should have everything he needs by next week. He then needs to start phoning the big boss at the company and try to persuade him to let him start.... I don't want to make him feel any more under pressure than he already is. I also don't want to put him off doing it by making him feel like his wages are going to be swallowed up by bills/debts before he has even got them. I know this is the reality, but in his mind he is probably planning wonderful things with his new found wealth. It has taken a lot to get him to finally get off his bum and get full-time job (for various reasons) so I don't want to do anything that will jeapordise that!

However, if I put it off will I chicken out? Will it be worse hearing about it all after he has secured the job, or will that be better because he won't feel helpless to do anything about it.

I'm not saying I am perfect. I have contributed to the debt and knowing we are in debt I booked a holiday, which needs to be paid off by August! I'm a bit reckless myself and will also need to learn how to control my spending urges. However, I do know that once I start work the majority of my wages will be taken by living expense. I'm not living in a fantasy word where it costs pittance to live.

Sorry for going on a bit. It was never my intention I suppose I was hoping that I could carry on as things are and everyone would tell me that would be fine...

Hi Mel,

My situation has some similarities to yours. My wife knew we had loads of debt but I never really discussed figures. I have started to open up more with her about our situation. Rather than just sit down and say "we owe 50K", I drew up a budget that we can realistically stick to. I sat her down and went through it with her, making it clear that we need to pay off about £1500 per month for 3 years. I went through some of the things that we could cut back on and showed her how the budget could work for us. For me, this was better than a big stressy confessional conversation. My next steps are to make my wife more involved by sharing credit card statements with her when they arrive etc. I am also going to sit down with her again in a few months to review the progress that we WILL have made.

I think that you should get a plan together before you speak to your husband, that way you will be presenting him with a solution, as opposed to just a problem. Best of luck. x

bspm

I have no idea when the best time will be to tell him, however, on reading your posts it would appear that you have both had an ok lifestyle whilst on benefits? Now, hopefully he will be getting a job and you will then hit him with....by the way we owe an awful lot of money and I need you to turn over most of what you earn to clear our debts.

Please forgive me if I am wrong in thinking the above, so good luck when you decide to tell him

MoodyMel

bspm wrote: »

I have no idea when the best time will be to tell him, however, on reading your posts it would appear that you have both had an ok lifestyle whilst on benefits? Now, hopefully he will be getting a job and you will then hit him with....by the way we owe an awful lot of money and I need you to turn over most of what you earn to clear our debts.

Please forgive me if I am wrong in thinking the above, so good luck when you decide to tell him

For clarification, before anyone starts jumping in with comments, we have never claimed JSA. By benefits I am meaning the same kinds of benefits that millions of working folk also get (and that we will still get when both in full time work!)... i.e tax credits and varying amounts of housing benefit, depending on work/student status at any given time. We have never both been fully out of work or study....